


Our Starry Voyage

by shiroakuma



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Slow Burn, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2017-04-27
Packaged: 2018-08-09 05:52:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 86,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7789171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiroakuma/pseuds/shiroakuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All it takes is one time to fall prey to the transportation malfunction. When Leonard McCoy is lost after such an incident, it falls to the rest of the crew and a heartbroken Jim Kirk to find him in time and bring him back home.</p><p>Or that one time when Bones is proven right about the dangers of scattering your atoms back and forth by a gadget, and he doesn't even know it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

Of all the days, the colony of Tendala required urgent medical assistance, it had to be during one of the worst thunderstorms it had ever seen. Although Dr Leonard McCoy was currently safe and sound on board the Enterprise, it was only a matter of time before he had to beam down to the planet surface and face the horrendous weather. Displeased and armed with his pack of medical supplies only, McCoy dreaded going into the chaotic environment, even for a minute until he was picked up by the ground team, let alone have his particles scatter back and forth across the storm.

"It'll be alright, Doctor. Yer feet will hit the ground before ye even notice it!" Scotty said in an attempt to calm the doctor. McCoy wasn't fazed and he was adamant about keeping his rigid, scowling posture as his brows furrowed even further at Scotty's shameless happiness.

"It's like the end of the world, damn it! If beaming down doesn't do me in, it's likely the storm will! So excuse me for being nervous. You better time this right, Scotty or you'll end up with my parts spread out all over the surface" was the gruff reply Scotty received. Knowing how McCoy liked to distract himself with death and mayhem theories, he knew better than to take the doctor's words personally.

"The landing party already went through just fine, doctor. I trust my Lady more than anyone else, she will not let us down! As soon as the storm gives it a break, ye'll be good to go. Speak of the devil, here we go!"

McCoy started complaining in return, but his monologue was cut short when Scotty initiated the systems on the console and begin energising him. The lights in the transporter room flickered, casting an unusual darkness of the normally brightly lit room. Scotty's eyes never left the scanner screen and he stood in stunned silence as what should have been McCoy's transmission signal disappeared from his scanners. He took in a deep breath and reconfigured the scan parameters.  He tinkered with the controls once more but to no avail, he was unable to detect the good doctor's whereabouts.

Scotty allowed himself two seconds of sheer inner panic before donning the Chief Engineer persona and allowing his finger to fly towards the Comm unit in desperation to contact the Bridge. With shaky hands and even shakier voice, he called for the Captain.

"Transport to Bridge. This is Scotty. Requesting the Captain urgently!"

"Kirk here. What the hell just happened, Scotty? All our systems went offline for a second."

"Aye, Sir. It happened here too, but that's not it. It is Dr McCoy!"

"What about him? Is he still giving you trouble about beaming down?"

The Scotsman took a deep breath and readied himself for what he was about to say. There was no easy way to put it. "No. Well, there has been a complication, Jim." He stammered and wished there was someone else there with him to take over the explanation in the dead silence that followed. "I began to energise him and it was all fine, but then I lost his signal during the energy loss and now I cannot find him  on the surface or anywhere else for that matter!"

"What?"

"As I said, I-" Scotty began to repeat himself, but no reply came until Commander Spock's stoic voice responded from the Bridge.

"The Captain is heading your way, Mr Scott." Even the Vulcan's voice sounded strained and if Scotty wasn't panicking before, now he definitely was. "We are also scanning for Dr McCoy's signal, but there is a high background interference due to the storm. Report any findings directly to the Bridge."

"Aye, Commander," he replied dejectedly. There was nothing he could do but search the earth and the sky for their CMO, as much as the range of their scanners allowed them.

"Scotty!" Jim yelled out as soon as he entered the room which was during the Scotsman's second system reboot. The wild and helpless look in the captain's eyes froze Scotty on the spot. He could do nothing but stutter out an explanation all the while Jim's face contorted with an increasing amount of anger.

"What do you mean you can't locate him? You are the Chief Engineer, you are the one responsible for any malfunctions on the ship! Find my CMO!"

"He is gone, Jim," Scotty yelled in return which was effective in shutting Jim up. Not even under dire conditions, the captain would compromise from his newly found diplomatic manners and he rarely raised his voice to his senior commanding officers but when it came to McCoy, all bets were off. Scotty expected as much and felt that he had deserved every manic scream Jim could throw at him for failing their friend. Yet, a more sane part of him, the part who was still a Starfleet officer, urged him to keep calm where Jim couldn't. He had seen the reckless shit Jim could throw at him when he was pushed to the limit ("Do you accept my resignation or not?" "I do!") and one of them had to keep a cool head if they were to have any chance of finding McCoy. So he continued with an even voice and unwavering words.

"His signal is gone. We don't know if the storm's blocking it or if the apparatus is malfunctioning or if he is..."

"Don't you dare say it, Scotty," Jim warned, voice dangerously low. If Scotty could hear a bit of a tremor in it, he wouldn't mention it. "Bones survived a hell of a lot more bullshit he got caught up in because of me. Hell, he even survived the Academy with me! He is alive and stuck somewhere on the surface. We are going to locate him and bring him back home. Do whatever it takes, get however many people you need to fix this and get it done!"

"We will find him, Jim. I don't intend to leave my post until we do."

"Me neither, Scotty." They both let out respective breaths, pleased with the confident voice they were able to manage. Scotty could tell that Jim was far away from being optimistic in the way he held his shoulders rigidly. He assumed neither one of them would relax until they had the doctor back on board.

"Comm the bridge. I want all hands on deck for this. Also, tell the landing party to prepare for searching McCoy on land as soon as the storm lets up. I'll go see if Spock has made any sense of these readings."

"Aye, Captain," he said, eyes never leaving Jim's retreating back. The scanners beeped as his fingers flew over the screen once more, unyielding.

It would be hours before the storm would clear. Until then all they had to hold onto was hope for the fallen to survive and pray that they were not too late to do something for him. Scotty, felt his throat close up as he saw how the screens blurred and the static increased, almost as if Enterprise too was fearing for the worst possible outcome.

 

* * *

 


	2. Chapter 2

A tall, dark-haired man stood in the middle of a dimmed lecture hall, looking up at the expectant faces of his medical students. He caressed his thin moustache, formulating his next words "Our next subject is concerning the post-mortem anatomy of humans. For this lecture, I have invited my dear friend and an esteemed surgeon from America, Dr McCoy. I am sure you have heard his name in these halls during the past year; His unique methods in the field of medicine have been so efficient that they were deemed revolutionary. Today, he is kind enough to join us and share his expertise on the matter. Doctor?"

"Thank you, Sir Ross" McCoy replied as he stood up from his chair, hidden within the shadows of the hall. He fixed his waistcoat while strolling towards the middle of the platform, where Sir Ronald Ross, a medical genius and an old ship's surgeon, stood. "I wouldn't go as far as to say that. I am a humble country doctor after all."

"A nervous country doctor, Dr McCoy?" Ross murmured as he walked pass McCoy. A small teasing smile was on the man's lips. He was definitely enjoying McCoy's uncertain gaze.

"With such impeccably dressed, sharp young men in the room, how can I not be?" he whispered back. A part of him that wanted to remain unobserved throughout the class was adamant in making his stomach curl into itself, but McCoy's stubbornness in fulfilling a promise to his dear friend, Ross proved to be stronger.

"Good, good, " Sir Ross exclaimed "Hear him well, boys. He has a few tricks up his sleeve"

"Thank you for the input" McCoy murmured once more and glanced over the class of 1893, Victoria University, medical students. From dressing to manners, they were said to be the finest of the bunch. McCoy would get to judge that for himself that day. He turned his back to the students to reach out to the sheet behind him. There was already a gloomy atmosphere in the room and it did not improve when the doctor slid the sheet from the table. He could hear the collective gulps from the young men at the reveal of a cadaver but he commended them for not audibly gasping.

"What is death but the beginning of a whole new cycle for what's left of our flesh and bones." he began with a philosophical note and focused on what he did best to ease his nervousness, "The carcass of our bodies being shaped by earth and air around us, no longer abiding by the rules of the living but instead decaying and becoming part of another world entirely. Now, I have heard a lot of good things about your academic successes but being a doctor means being able to get into the thick of it without a moment's hesitation. So who can prove me that what they read in the anatomy books are actually helpful in practice?"

"Dr McCoy" yelled out a blond student from the back and from the mischievous face he was making, McCoy knew he was going to be trouble.

"Yes, young man? Come down here!"

"Might I ask a question first, sir?" he inquired with a thick voice and an odd accent.

"Yes?" he replied despite knowing what was going to follow.

"Are you really qualified enough to be teaching us, sir? After all, you were not present in any schooling until last year and we don't even know your first name. Sir."

"I'll show you first name" McCoy mumbled but was able to grit his teeth long enough for Ross to interfere before he could follow up on that particular threat.

"Dr McCoy is a very private man, Mr Cambell. It is his business to do as he wills. His expertise is not up for debate, you have my word on that. You will cease this insolence at once if you wish to continue your studies in this faculty."

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir" was the meek reply which gave eternal joy and a new found strength to McCoy for continuing his lecture.

-

"That was a lecture they soon won't forget, McCoy. I think you mortified a few of my students into changing their majors" Ross quipped. "I must admit I never thought of death as another beginning myself. You sure you were not writing up stories in there my good man?"

"No, I am certain of what I said. Also, If they can't stomach the truth, then they shouldn't be here, to begin with" The doctor replied and stuffed his notebooks into his leather bound bag.

"You are a cruel man, McCoy. Sometimes I find it hard to believe you could actually be a doctor."

"My bedside manner is not a determinant for the quality of my medical capabilities" He said harshly as they continued down the university hallways. They were out of the stone building of Medical Faculty in mere minutes. For McCoy, the fresh air of Liverpool never felt better after being stuffed in that poorly lit room with a dozen men.

"Perhaps not, but they certainly do not improve your reputation, my dear friend." Ross was silent only for a second, then he fell prey to his own curiosity and brought up that _certain subject_ , again. It would have been too much to ask for a peaceful moment, after all, McCoy thought. "How goes the search for your missing memories, then?"

McCoy let out an exhausted sigh. He hated agreeing with the little brat in the lecture hall, but other than the fate Ross had in him, he wasn't so sure he was qualified to be a doctor. He understood the reason for the people's wariness around him. He had no memories since he had woken up first on a shore unfamiliar to him, surrounded by half-dead bodies. Despite having no idea who he was or where he woke up, he had followed his instincts and had helped anyone and everyone in his reach. Later, he would learn that there had been an incident with a passenger ship, and Ronald Ross had been one of the survivors who hit the shore.

After resuscitating him and some other lucky ones, McCoy had promptly lost consciousness only to regain his senses in a hospital (The ward Ron was responsible for, to be specific). He would have been treated like any other patient with severe amnesia by being sent to the asylum but McCoy was no ordinary man. He was with no past and no substantial evidence to prove his existence but what he had was his _magical_ fingers which seem to act on their own whenever he was faced with a medical dilemma. He had been lucky that Sir Ross hadn't thrown him out when he had started treating other patients in his ward when he was only another patient himself. McCoy had thought it was muscle memory which has been embedded in them through what must have been vigorous practice in the past even though he couldn't recall any of it.

The shine Ross had seen in McCoy had urged the man to keep McCoy nearby and allow him to practice under supervision for the majority of the time after his release. To both his and his supervisor's surprise, he had worked magic on many cases for most of the time and sometimes he was like a fish out of the water. He knew his way around a chemical set up like no other, but one mention of leeches and he was out of his depth. It woke an unbelievable amount of curiosity amongst the good doctors and practitioners in the hospital until Ross decided, one-sidedly, to take him under his wing until he recovered his brilliance. It had been a full year since then and McCoy was no closer to figuring out even his given name.

What was certain that he was a McCoy from a southern city in America, which he could not recall but had the accent to show for it, and he was a goddamn doctor. That was what every bone in his body was telling him and after his year long practice, he was certain of that. He just had to remember the blanks. He didn't want to consider not being able to.

In addition to that, he still felt a grave emptiness in his heart. He couldn't exactly put his finger on what it could be but the vast space was growing each day, pressing McCoy into remembering something that was at the tip of his tongue. Then retreating back until he was furious with himself for letting go of the memory.

"You have gone awfully quiet, doctor" Ross' voice cut his musings short. McCoy gave a pitiful, half smile at his saviour and climbed into to the carrier after the older gentleman.

It was well into their carriage drive that McCoy poured his heart out to his close friend and mentioned his worries. Ross put on a worried face and tried to console him to the best of his abilities.

"My dear man, you must have suffered a horrible ordeal to end up with such great deal of trauma. It may have been a year since our meeting, but do not succumb to desperation. We will figure out your past."

McCoy took a second to search Ross' big blue eyes, one shade too dark, and he could find nothing but sincerity tinged with curiosity. McCoy was fine with that. If curiosity meant, Ross was willing to hold on to a broken thing like himself, then he would gladly accept whatever favour Ross decided to ask him and stare into his soul with those shining orbs he called eyes. He wondered for a moment where that certain fascination came from but with the holes in his memory, he wasn't going to get any answers soon. 

"I am really grateful that you welcomed me into your house and even school, Ron but I can't bring myself to hope anymore. I don't know how I would have survived if not for you. So thank you for everything but please, do not worry yourself over my concerns."

"Oh, please, " Ross laughed at McCoy and his formality "You have been a gift to us if I were so bold to say so. Not only you made a name for yourself as 'guardian angel' in the first week in a hospital where you were supposed to be the patient, but also saved my life and many others'. It is the least I can do to make sure you are well fed and clothed. Think nothing of it"

McCoy took his joy for what it was and teased the man, "You are only curious about my past, Sir Ross. An enigma practically gift wrapped and presented to you to solve"

"Indeed, I am" Ross agreed, "You are a mystery alright. And since the greatest detective of our times has passed away, it falls to the rest of us to investigate it. It might as well be me who solves it!"

"Who?" he asked, referring to the deceased.

"Haven't you heard? The great Sherlock Holmes, of course! And what a stomach-turning way to go..." McCoy raised an eyebrow at that. It somehow didn't sound right, but he was in no position to argue that with a strict follower of the detective's adventures. "Speaking of mysteries, my youngest boy wrote to me. It is a miraculous happening"

"Miraculous, indeed" McCoy replied with scepticism. From what he heard of the boy, emphasis on hearing because he hadn't seen him in the year that he was a guest in Ross' home, the boy was a rebel who didn't bother contacting his family other than emergencies. The good for nothing person in the family, so to say. McCoy may never have met the boy, but he didn't like him one bit.

"It was odd to receive a letter from him out of the blue but even odder that he hadn't asked anything from me directly either!" Ross said thoughtfully,  not bothered by the harsh way their carriage shook and took turns.

"What did he want, then?" Because not wanting something directly was no better than asking for it bluntly.

"I was wondering how to break it to you. Well, his request involves you, I am afraid. He wants to meet you!"

"Why? What did I do?" McCoy asked, trying to control his stomach.

"I am sure nothing!" Ross chuckled at his defensive answer, "Apparently, he wants to see the person his father is rather taken with. He said he wanted to judge you for himself to see if you are worthy of being our guest"

"That little shit," McCoy swore and caused Ross to laugh harder "Sorry, Ron."

"It's alright, my friend. It is nothing worse than what I already call him"

"Ron, you know I am not after your family fortune or anything like that, right? I am grateful for you and your hospitality. I wouldn't-"

"Easy, McCoy. I know you better than I know my own son which is a pity but also the truth. You are an honest man who doesn't quite know how to trim a beard using a basic razor without nicking himself but was able to cut open a man's chest with mastery. I know your heart, my friend. I have seen it in its darkest state and I know as well as I know my own name that you wouldn't harbour any ill thoughts."

"Thank you" was all McCoy muster after hearing Ross' kind words about him.

"I am not finished yet. You embrace the duty of a doctor like no one else does, McCoy. We will help you to find the answers you seek."

"Physician, heal thyself" McCoy murmured, and laughed as if he told an inside joke.

"Indeed, my friend. Believe in that, if nothing else. Do you agree?"

"I don't think I am experienced enough to debate that sentiment, Ron. Not in this state of mind."

"It's an argument for a rainy day then."

"Agreed" McCoy smiled and returned to the pressing matter at hand "So, well, I don't want to meet your son, no offence. I don't want to get in between the two of you either. What do you think about it?"

"I'll be frank then. Meet him. It will be a good change of pace for you too. You barely got out of the house other than when I dragged you out, McCoy. You have the mind of a genius, but the social capacity of a crocodile. This might be the push you need to help you regain your social graces with people.  Visiting your homeland might even jog your memories.

"It will also ease my wife's mind because that brat also wrote to his mother explaining his concerns and basically trapping me into asking you to do this. I am unwilling to let him meddle in with the rest of my affairs and turn all of our family against you." Ron made a strong argument from all sides.

"Well played if you ask me" McCoy replied tiredly.

"Oh, take his side, will you. I'll see what you have to say about him after you have met him" he replied, but his blue eyes were shining with what McCoy could only describe as hope. Whatever his expectancy was of him, probably to befriend the kid and help put him on a righteous path, McCoy feared of failing Ron. He owed him more than just money. A debt greater than that, which was his company, his devoted friendship. He didn't want to disappoint the man. If making Ron happy meant facing off a brat, then so be it.

"I understand. I own you that much" McCoy smiled, "Where and when do I meet him?"

"He is a crafty one. He wishes to meet you in our estate, abroad" McCoy's stomach lurched with that one sentence. " In Boston. I fear you will have to take that dreaded trip across the ocean, all the way to the states after all."

 

* * *

 


	3. Chapter 3

McCoy hated Ron's youngest kid. Even before meeting up with the brat, he came to the realisation that no child who was disrespectful towards their own parents was worthy of any praise. Regardless of how relaxed and happy Ron appeared in the aspect of the two of them getting together and bonding, McCoy was not so sure about actually getting along with him. Not to mention having to endure a ten-day long ship voyage across the Atlantic Ocean just to reach the kid's location. He really had to get back at the little brat for this stunt, if he managed to survive the trip to Boston.

The October air was not helping either. Sun was hidden behind the clouds, the wind was picking up and the wooden plates in and around the harbour were shaking with the force of the waves hitting at the ships docked. The sky was two seconds away from cracking up and pouring down. It all suited well for McCoy's mood. He could have been back at home with Ron enjoying this ridiculous weather, sipping their bourbons together and laughing away carelessly. Instead, he was being forced to wait outside on the planks, while the line to get into the steamboat ship was moving at a snail's pace. He hated the fact that he wanted to bolt and return to Ron's place as much as he wanted to get into the ship as soon as possible and be done with the whole ordeal.

Ron had accompanied him to the docks to see him off, and to marvel at the steamship S.S. Catalonia, freshly renovated and ready to take off on another voyage after a whole year. The man was very easy to impress where the boat was concerned but McCoy had found himself wishing for a more efficient, fast and secure transportation vehicle. Regardless of his doubts, McCoy could see the reason behind Roy's childish joy at seeing the steamship. It was long enough with three masts and one tall smokestack right in the middle. It was also large enough in bulk that it was steady against the winds more than the other ships in the harbour and McCoy held onto that fact, that it was slightly sturdier than others, like a lifeline. Still, he didn't feel like he belonged to that ship. Then again, he thought, no one should have to belong to any form of a shaky death trap which threatened to break down at the first sight of a storm.

He found himself imagining a bigger, shinier boat with grey painted exterior. Her inner corridors spacious and well lit. He wished to see a captain, young and confident, at the helm with a more than capable crew at his back; his smile so bright that it could even dazzle the stars up above and below. He could almost see a couple of blue eyes boring holes into his soul, and he would be attracted to them, being drawn to the man as if he had no say in it.

McCoy had to shake his head before his imagination could get the better of him. He returned back to the reality of the situation and hoped they would get on with the boarding already and leave the harbour before those giant, dark clouds could reach them. Luck was not on his side, though. It had been an hour since Ron left and the wind started to shift from mildly annoying to downright dangerous and they were still docked in the harbour, waiting to get seated. The real captain, an old white-haired man in a blue sweater, which presented a somewhat wrong image to McCoy, was shaking the hands of his first class passengers as they boarded the ship one by one. He had the urge to smack the Captain on the back of the neck and yell at him to hurry it up. Since he couldn't abuse the Captain, he settled on mumbling profanities at the weather and the ship under his breath.

"You know, these things are pretty safe. You are boring holes into the hull of the ship with your eyes but it is built to stand a little bit of rain" came a comment from a stranger who stood behind him. It took everything in McCoy to not to jump at the sudden voice. He refused to turn around and indulge the man with the deep voice who was standing way too close to McCoy for his liking.

"Sorry, you said something?" he retorted back, his heart still in his throat.

"S.S. Catalonia has completed successful voyages since 1881, she is capable of holding close to two thousand people, passengers and crew together. She'll hold up just fine in the Atlantic!"

"I'll believe it when I land my two feet on the solid ground on the other side of the ocean," he grumbled, "It's a disaster waiting to happen!"

"I hate to break it to you, but you'll be spending the next few days on that ship. You better lighten up before you jinx it."

"You know there are fates worse than death. Nevermind that, I'll tell you something about jinxes, kid" McCoy started and couldn't help himself but to turn around in order to properly relay his thoughts on the matter. It would be an underestimation to say that he was surprised to come face to face with two hauntingly beautiful eyes and a radiant smile, almost as if it was an image out of a dream. McCoy gulped at the sight of the young looking, blond man who was standing way closer than he had originally thought. McCoy took a step backwards and took in the appearance of the man, masking his gaze as a glare. He wore a well-pressed suit, a white shirt with a few buttons open and a loose vest which suited him well enough.  The mask he put on failed as the man's smile grew wider and McCoy's brow raised as high as it can get on his forehead.

The blond man stood still as McCoy finished his inspection, and observed the doctor with a knowing smirk. "Would you mind taking a step back? You are crowding me," McCoy gritted out, trying to keep it civilised between them.

"Ah, next you are going to say you are not glad to see me at all" The blond man sighed mockingly. McCoy simply feared for his mental stability.

"Sorry, have we met?" he asked. After all, he was the one with the certified head injury and a recovering amnesiac. If they had met before the accident, it wouldn't be McCoy who could recognise old friends. His suspicions were confirmed when he witnessed the hurt and the pained expression spread on the blond man's handsome face. McCoy scowled himself for thinking him as handsome, but it's not like he could help himself.

"You don't... I'm... What the hell?" the man stuttered spectacularly and McCoy watched as a million different emotions flashed on his face, his mimics becoming erratic and unpredictable as if the man was unable to stand still for two seconds. He decided to end his pitiful suffering and explain the reason why he couldn't remember jack shit.

"Don't take it personally, kid. I had an accident and had my memory wiped clean. So it's natural that I can't recognise you at all. Hell, I don't even remember my first name. So, if you know me then, by all means, help a guy out and introduce yourself, why don't you?"

"I... I see." the man replied with an apparently broken heart. McCoy wondered what kind of a relationship he had with him. "I'm Jim and you are Dr McCoy, right? From Ross' class. I had listened to your lecture a month ago. I guess it was presumptuous of me to think you would have remembered one of the students" That was sort of a disappointment, McCoy thought, it would have been nice to have someone hand over to him the answers he was looking for without having to try too much. But, it all turned out to be wishful thinking.

Yet, there was something eye catching about the man, Jim, and McCoy was certain there was a secret he was hiding from him. "I don't recall seeing you there, " he said with a solemn look, "Wait, you weren't that asshole who questioned my integrity, were you?"

"No." was the stern reply, but McCoy wasn't having any of it. Jim's face screamed of lies and bullshit.

"Did you bribe him to do so?" the doctor guessed and Jim turned pink.

"What? No, what makes you say that?"

"You just have the face, kid!"

"No, I didn't bribe him. I'm not that low. I dared him to do it," he said while looking offended.

"Oh, so you are annoying and cheap. Good to know!"

"That hurts," Jim whined and McCoy smiled briefly at his triumph.

"Why, though?" he asked as curiosity got the better of him. Jim was thoughtful for a moment. The line to the ship moved forward, breaking McCoy's concentration on the man. When he looked back, Jim was ready with an answer.

"Well, honestly, I am saying this because you are not a paid academic of the university, so keep it a secret but I wasn't really supposed to be there. I just got into to take notes for a friend. This asshole next to me had heard rumours about you apparently and I might have told him to take it up with you directly rather than bitch about it behind your back" That answer was surprising, flattering, diminishing and agonisingly honest all at one once. McCoy was not going to take offence on the rumours circulating himself, but he felt a pang of guilt that those same rumours were possibly inconveniencing Ron as well. He knew they existed, but he truly hadn't known there were students petty enough to try to tarnish a troubled man's name.

"Bitch about it?" he repeated after recovering from his daze.

"So to speak!" Jim said and forced a laugh out. McCoy only raised a perfect eyebrow at his expense. There was something captivating and odd about the man and McCoy wondered what it could be in the silence that followed.

A particularly strong wind blew his coat open and McCoy cursed, regaining his bearings in the mean time. "Thank you for sticking your neck out for me, then. I'll return the favour and keep your presence a secret. Just don't make a habit of it, I don't want Ron getting caught up in a mess that isn't his. He is a good man."

"Okey, I can do that!" Jim promised with that bright smile of his and McCoy believed him.

"How did you like the lecture, then? I mean, did you even understand it? The medical track is not meant for everybody."

"Oh, it was gruesome. I lost my lunch and breakfast. Luckily, I am good at remembering the details so all notes are complete."

"I guess the real lucky guy is the one whom you took the notes for." McCoy laughed and was rendered speechless as he realised that he was smiling in the middle of an upcoming storm, about to board a tin can of a ship and half of him soaking wet because of the waves from the ocean. He decided to keep that revelation to himself for something in his gut told him that it would be a mistake to admit talking with Jim was actually making him feel better "What do you major in?"

"Oh, I graduated from my course more than two years ago. I was simply helping out a friend in need, you know. I am just that nice of a guy."

"I bet you are," McCoy replied sarcastically, then lowered his voice down a tone "Well, that's good of you to help out friends but don't help them too much. He won't learn anything on his own unless he attends the classes himself. I am personally not looking forward to students puking all over cadavers in the exam just 'cause they weren't there in the class to figure out they are not meant for medical school." McCoy became aware that he sounded like Ron and visibly winced at the aspect of turning into a nagging academician. He must not have liked his previous academic life since he subconsciously flinched at just the idea itself.

"Yes, I understand, but don't speak like you are way too older than me, man," he said cheekily "We have what five, six years between us?"

"It's enough that you'll address me properly, Jim. Either as doctor or McCoy."

"If you wish to feel all the years of your age, then okay. As you wish, Dr McCoy" Jim replied and McCoy could feel a growing tension as they approached the captain. He decided to lighten the mood with starting a new topic of conversation himself. Ron would be so proud of him.

"You don't sound like you are from around here or anywhere in northern England. And I don't just mean the accent."

"Oh?" Jim looked just as surprised as Ron would have.

"Yeah, I can understand you for one thing. I might be living amongst the fine gentlemen of Liverpool, but well, let's say getting along with them and actually understanding a word they are saying are two different things. Speaking of which-" They had approached the end of the line and the Captain was smiling politely at the two of them. McCoy presented his documents and reached out to shake the old man's hand with a firm grasp before coming to a halt at the top of the gangway, looking warily up the ship hull at the other end of it. Grimacing on the aspect of entering the boat which was, in reality, a rather well-built steamship did weird things to McCoy's stomach. There were a few people climbing it up still, but as the wind blew stronger and the gangway swayed dangerously, McCoy found himself unable to move forward.

"Hey," Jim called out "I'm right behind you, McCoy. Don't divert your eyes from the top, and don't look down, alright? I got you."

"I don't need..." McCoy started, but he wasn't fooling anyone. Even the ship captain had a sympathetic smile directed at him. He had no choice but to clinch to the railings and pray to whatever God he could think of.

The walk upwards was slow and McCoy could imagine the exasperated sighs thrown at him from behind the line. The gangway threatened to give under his feet and he wasn't sure whether he was making that up or not. Unlike the weather, the warm hand placed at the small of his back helped him focus. He could feel the large hand caressing his skin over his coat with a kind manner so he had something to hold on to. Despite the fear bubbling inside, he kept his gaze glued to his target. He was shaking, god damn him, he knew, but he was going to make it to the top.  

What felt like an hour later, he stepped onto the metal hull and let out a tired breath.

"I hate this," he whispered to himself and he was surprised when he heard a reply from Jim.

"I know... I mean, I can read it on your face, Doctor. I bet you get seasick, too!"

"Hey, if you are going to mock me then do so on the furthest side of the ship."

"No, no of course not, but they say that the best way to get rid of seasickness to remain hydrated, to get plenty of fresh air and to stand in the centre of the ship to ease your balance," Jim explained with kindness and McCoy found himself intently listening.

"I appreciate the tip, Jim." He said and took one quick look around. The wind picked up and the scents of the ocean and the fish-filled his nostrils. He felt dizzy for a moment, and not wanting to ridicule himself further, McCoy turned towards the corridor leading further into the ship.

"I'll see you around, yes?" Jim yelled from behind him. It was a miracle that McCoy heard anything but the echo in his head and the howling of the winds. He replied with a hand up in the air, acknowledging Jim and disappearing quickly into the ship. A guiding hand that wasn't Jim's assisted him towards his cabin and although he was grateful for it, he also was disappointed that it wasn't a hand as warm as Jim's.

 

* * *

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why Victorian Era? Because, beards and waistcoats...

Despite his better judgement, McCoy felt a surge of happiness when he was lead to his first class cabin. It was located in the middle of the ship with no windows but it was still clear that it was one of the best cabins that could be bought on board. It was large enough to house a single bed with white sheets, a large sofa, two small oil lamps situated by his bed and the basin and a small wardrobe. The floor was half covered in tiles with a new rug laid down on the other side. On his own, there could have been no way to cover for expenses of a sophisticated voyage to Boston such as this one. He'd have to sincerely thank Ron once he returned to Liverpool for his gesture.

His luggage which consisted mostly of clothing and other utilities provided by Ron, as well as a few basic medical supplies, had already been already carried in. The moment he locked up the cabin, ignoring his luggage, McCoy shed his wet coat and boots, placing them by the sofa. He then realised that even his shirt had gotten wet. He didn't hesitate to remove the rest of his clothes before dropping down on the bed and getting under the covers. If he was going to suffer through a ten day trip on a ship, he refused to do so while also being ill. To sleep would also help curing his seasickness, if only a little.

Momentarily, the ship shook while he was about to drift off and McCoy jolted awake. His trip had finally begun.  As he felt the ship engines roar and plow through the ocean, he was happy to be away from the waves as humanly as possible. Sleep refused to find him for a long time. All his inner thoughts were muddled by the wrongness of the colour of the cabin and the hardness of his bed. He assumed it was due to getting homesick already, and missing the stable and secure room he had in Ron's house. He thought he was missing the wooden structure of his bed, the parquet flooring or the scent of the forest entering through his window. But alas, every time he closed his eyes, he kept seeing images of an unearthly design of grey walls, metal desks and bright rooms. It wouldn't have been so odd had he not also attempted to switch off the lights using his voice by mistake as if it was done out old habits. 

He decided to focus on the tangible reality that he included in his last year. Despite the vast emptiness where once his memories resided in, he truly felt blessed for having met Sir Ron Ross and his colleagues when he did. He might not have any idea what he was doing lying face down on the shores of Crosby, alongside other esteemed passengers who survived a shipwreck tragedy, but it was made certain that he had not been one of them the moment he woke up and started talking. His heavy southern accent and a simple look at the passenger list of the sunken ship had proven that he was not supposed to be there. To some he was  a stowaway who hid in the bowels of the ship for a free ride, but for others, who were kinder hearted people like Ron, he had been an exotic American with a bizarre fashion sense and a tragic past waiting to be unravelled. Perhaps Ron had that kindness to him because McCoy had saved his life on the beach and then shown to have a weird tendency to help other patients in the hospital he had been a patient of. Or it could have been his cool-headed mannerism, during the time when he wasn't spouting sarcastic comebacks, that convinced the man that he meant no danger to anyone. McCoy was actually certain that Ron had enjoyed his retorts more than he let on. Regardless of his reasoning, Ron had reached the conclusion that McCoy was a reputable physician who strongly needed help.

When he thought back on those first few weeks, where McCoy had been seconds away from being deported back to the USA, it hadn't felt right. McCoy didn't feel like it was the right answer to his long lost memories and without being able to pinpoint the exact origin of his whereabouts, no passport and no proof of existence, he was let into the care of one very excited Ron Ross. Ron's first advice had been following  the evidence and do everything that felt right to McCoy in an attempt to jog his memories. Following the evidence, unfortunately, meant getting on a ship and crossing the ocean. Something McCoy didn't feel like the right answer. But now he had been forced to do just that because some young prick had doubted his honesty. He already spent too much time as a freeloader in Ron's house and even if he had been taking shifts in a few clinics, it hadn't covered the courtesy Ron had shown him.

Of course, he had to accept the request. He owed the man far too much, he reminded himself. Anything to justify this voyage, he added bitterly.

-

By the time McCoy's stomach felt strong enough to leave the cabin, the sun had already begun to set. After putting on one of his better suits, an ironed shirt and a black vest, he checked himself in the mirror above the basin. He only looked slightly exhausted with puffy eyes. His trimmed beard and combed hair would definitely hide the fact that he had spent several melancholic hours on his own.

For a change, he was actually feeling good about himself as he made his way towards the dining saloon along the stale coloured long corridors, that it happened again. The vision. Or the proof of him losing his last bits of sanity. It didn't make sense that he expected to see the cabin doors to open with a swoosh nor to wait for the lights to go off on their own as he moved forward. At every corner, he was surprised not to see curvy walls stretching along grey mats and protective arches; a blinding white making up for the eternal darkness outside. At every corner, he reminded himself that those images didn't belong to the real ship and then, at the bottom of the stairs, he gave up.

The spiral stairs didn't help his hallucinations. It wasn't the conventional pathway to the saloon and was rarely visited by the guests. Rather it was more for the crew and those simple steps triggered the strongest urge in him to go up to the Bridge. He wanted to observe the vast emptiness of the sea from beyond the glass windows and quiver before the sight of unparalleled marvels. It was an odd need, a stupid one. A need he should not be having but there it was. As strong as the need to eat and sleep.

Was it related to his previous life? Maybe a simple obsession of his to explore and learn about the vessel he was in. Neither seemed likely and the latter didn't even sound like him.

Regardless of his reasoning, he stood, body half leaning over the railings and willing his itching to go away. He had to move forwards, towards the saloon and join the rest of the passengers while acting like a normal person. But, for the love of God, he couldn't make his legs move in the right direction so he remained at the junction. It took him too long to decide and eventually someone found him and if they were afraid of his troubled face, they didn't mention it. 

"Lost or dizzy?" was the question instead and McCoy groaned in frustration, having realised who the voice belonged to. A warm hand was placed on his shoulder which relaxed him but he was in no way willing to admit that.

"Jim, right?" he asked because he had to. Because he apparently could not trust his own mind even only to follow a straightforward path. With a sigh, as he cracked open an eye just in time to catch the hurt spreading and disappearing on Jim's face. The damn kid had a face of million expressions per minute. McCoy was nowhere near being able to identify them all but facial expressions of confusion, hurt and forced happiness seemed to be constants for Jim. Now, that wouldn't do. One miserable soul was more than enough for one trip.

"Yes, doctor," the blond man replied as he flashed a tired smile. McCoy reciprocated the gesture and leant back from the railing. "Something on your mind?"

McCoy returned to Jim and regarded his grey suit somehow matching perfectly to his light beard tinged with white and bringing out the blue of his eyes. Jim knew how to dress to impress and McCoy felt a surge of pride in seeing this young man taking himself seriously.

"Only ever the usual," McCoy replied once he swallowed thickly and averted his eyes from Jim, "You? Are you having a nice evening?"

Jim perked up a bit, obviously waiting for him to ask him something "Better now. I was wondering, doctor; since both of us appear to be without an associate, would you like to accompany me to dinner?" McCoy's eyebrows rose up but his lips moved without his consent.

"You don't even bother to present your full name and you expect a man to trust you for the course of a whole dinner? Where has the youth gotten to these days? No manners!" he teased. Oh God, was he flirting with a stranger on a ship that would be sailing for ten days? He must have lost it completely to be so openly doing it then and there, fully disregarding the fact that Jim was a man.

Despite his inner panic, Jim took his flirting with a relative ease and flashed a dazzling smile. Okay, McCoy could definitely continue with this. No problem. And, oh, didn't that say a lot about the kind of a man he used to be.

"I could complain about the same, McCoy," Jim replied, unaware of his thoughts, "I haven't been graced with your first name either!" The man was a charmer alright and McCoy wished he had an answer for him but this was a delicate matter in which he was troubled with.

"Sorry to disappoint, kid. I can't share something that I don't know," he said off-handedly while trying to act casual. It must have failed because Jim's face fell.

"Oh, I didn't realise your amnesia was that bad. Well, what do you remember?" The question was as sincere as it got and McCoy had nothing to lose if he took Ron's advice and opened up a little. They had a long trip ahead until he reached solid ground and anything was better than spending that time alone. Also if this stranger helped with jogging some more of his memories then it would be a pleasant addition. So, he nodded, much to his companion's surprise.

"Sure, but let's do that in the saloon. I need some food in me."

Jim agreed and took McCoy's arm. He expertly led them to the dining saloon which was in the back of the ship. Two waiters opened the door for them, unaffected by Jim's strong clutch at McCoy's elbow. With curt nods, they allowed them into the large saloon decorated with fancy chandeliers, round luxurious tables, a group of musicians and a room full of well-dressed passengers. Everything was way too shiny and golden for McCoy's taste but he wasn't going to comply. Not when Jim dragged him to an empty table, closest to the centre of the ship.

"Where the balance is at its best" Jim explained as they sat side by side.

"Jim, do you get seasick, too?" McCoy asked out of curiosity because there had to be a reason why Jim knew so much about it so that he actually reserved a table at a central location for himself.

"No," he laughed "but my table is open to anyone who may need it, Bones... I mean it's a strategically good position for bones and balance, you know. You are a doctor after all." McCoy made a face at Jim, not really understanding what he was going on about but he let it slide. He wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Having chosen to sit with his back to the wall, Jim made a point of showing the empty chairs on the side of the table and began describing the people who would soon occupy them. "They are nice people, mostly. Maybe Mr Scott is a bit too eager to overshare but you'll definitely get along with Madam Chapel!"

"How do you even know these people already?" McCoy questioned. In the last five hours or so, all he could have achieved was to take a nap, settle down his stomach and get redressed.

"I make a point of knowing everyone I share a table and a ship with. It's a force of habit I suppose."

"Oh?" was all McCoy could manage. He took a spoonful of his cold soup and wrinkled his nose at it but kept eating before coming up with an appropriate response, "How come?"

"It's supposed to be cold," Jim gestured at the soup and returned to gaze directly into McCoy's eyes, "As an answer to your question, doctor, there is but a simple answer. I'm a captain of a ship myself."

 

* * *

 


	5. Chapter 5

_"Doctor, there is but a simple answer. I'm a captain of a ship myself ."_

"Bullshit!" McCoy exclaimed at Jim's response, earning disapproving looks from the nearby tables and making Jim's hand falter midair. He decided to act a bit more diplomatic, "I do not mean any offence. You had mentioned that you graduated a few years back only. I don't think anyone would hand over a ship to a youngster like you."

"I literally have grey hair in my beard," Jim countered, he seemed more amused than offended which suited the doctor well.

"That proves nothing. It could be a hereditary trait."

"I'll have you know that I am the youngest ever to be made captain."

"That I would believe if you really are a captain."

"Fine, laugh it off, doctor. I'll prove it to you!"

"Can't wait to see it, kid," They both smiled at each other and focused on their meals for a little while. As per Jim's prediction, their table began to fill up with people which Jim was somehow already on first name basis. He distinctly heard Jim ask after Mr Scott and Madam Chapel but was disappointed to know that they would not be joining them that evening. The orchestra began their third song and everyone seemed at ease with each other, leaving a very confused McCoy to wonder how in Earth's name they got to befriend each other this quickly. They were mostly rich adults with no families close by. Some were in business' ranging from oil to enterprise, and none of them knew a lick of the medical studies, let alone being able to engage in any common topics. Oh, excuse him; an elderly couple was hell bent on criticising the dress of a young maiden by the corner seat. So there was that.

Beyond the chatter of the sophisticated people and feeling a little like an outsider and terribly out of place, he kept his gaze on his meal until a soft touch on his shoulder caught his attention.

"McCoy?" Jim had a concerned look plastered on his face and an angelic voice which promised an interesting conversation amidst the boredom that was their table. He turned to him a little too quickly. "I am sorry if this is a bore. I thought being among people would calm your anxiety."

"And help me forget that we are floating in the middle of nowhere with barely enough lifeboats and far too much turbulence? Yeah, yes, it's helping, for the most part!" Jim's laugh made him feel better.

"I want to ask you about your amnesia but it's overly crowded so instead of yelling your problems at me, do you want to go out to the deck? If it's no problem with you and your tummy?"

"Well, aren't you an adorable lil' captain, kindly asking after your people," McCoy teased and then nodded after seeing Jim's serious expression, "Alright, fresh air could do me some good"

"My thoughts exactly," he smirked with full white teeth and shot up from his seat "Ladies and gentlemen, please excuse us for the now and you all have a lovely night!" Along with Jim, McCoy relayed his good night wishes and followed the man out of the glass doors without missing a beat.

The moment the salty breeze hit McCoy, his shoulders relaxed and he revelled in the silence of the deck. He located a spot, with enough distance between the ocean and him, and sat on the closest metal bench. "Fresh air does wonders to my lungs. I can feel myself actually calming down, despite having to stare at absolute nothingness in the middle of a moonless night! Thank heavens for the oil lamps, yes?"

"Yeah" Jim replied, opting to stay on his feet and leaning on the railings, "Don't worry too much, McCoy. Nothing can hurt you on this ship. S.S. Catalonia is as sturdy and malfunction-free as she will ever be!"

"Unless we meet an iceberg halfway through!"

"What makes you say that?" Jim questioned.

"Nothing, just-" from a book he read? A news he heard? He didn't know for sure but it was all depended on chance, wasn't it? An unforeseen event that could doom every person on board. "a possibility" he finished for the sake of being pessimistic. Jim was not amused by his answer.

"Fear not, Dr McCoy. In case we hit an iceberg, I'll get you out safe and sound."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Captain," McCoy said heatedly and lowered his voice when he saw how dark the look on Jim's eyes got "Besides, I am way too old to be swooned by that kind of a promise anyway." That must have lightened him up because Jim let out a hearty laugh which also improved McCoy's mood.

This ship trip may not be as bad as he originally assumed after all. Then, Jim proposed something that managed to make it even more delightful and McCoy was eager to say yes, giddy with anticipation.

"Wait here," Jim requested and McCoy spent a few peaceful moments looking at the midnight sky. The stars shone brightly and he found himself wondering what it would be like to roam through the never ending space, amongst those stars. Then, he shivered at the idea of being in the darkness, facing off the unknown and he shook his head, clearing away the scary thoughts.

Jim returned soon enough. He passed a glass of bourbon to McCoy with a coy smile. McCoy was surprised to notice a silver glimmer from a ring on his pinky finger. He meant to ask about it but Jim took a seat beside him, his thigh touching the doctor's, effectively distracting him from any questions. The clinging of their glasses was the only sound on the deck; loud gulps and equally pleasant sighs over the fine taste followed as they sipped their drinks. They fell into a comfortable silence until Jim could no longer keep to himself.

"So, you want to talk about it?"

McCoy had only managed to take three sips before Jim's curiosity took over and he smiled at the blond man's impatience. "I can but truth of the matter is I don't have much to tell."

"Try thinking about what you remember instead of what you don't. Familiarity may jog your memory" Jim replied. McCoy was ready to counter that but the kid had a point. By doing nothing, not even trying to remember, he wasn't going to regain any memories.

"Alright, I'll see what I can do," he said and gulped down a considerable amount of his bourbon "I recall waking up on a shore of Crosby. With me, there were a few people lying around, some dead and some still breathing."

"What did that feel like?"

"I was cold. So fucking cold. It was like waking up with death hanging over you, ready to take your soul to its eternal resting place. Knowing that some people around you were already nothing more than bodies, being moved only by the pull of the waves and thinking, believing that you were going to be the very next... It was terrifying."

"I am sorry, McCoy," Jim sympathised but McCoy shook his head. It wasn't his fault.

"I didn't die." He replied and watched as relief became apparent in Jim's eyes, "I woke up to screams and calls for help. I remember that it was dawn and there weren't that many people around but it was still so loud for the next few moments until I regained my full consciousness. You won't believe it, but my first instinct was to reach out to the closest body and try to resuscitate him. It didn't work. He was far too gone so I move on to the next person and by God's good grace, he woke up."

"I am in fact not surprised to hear that, doctor. Helping others is engraved in your bones," Jim interrupted and a blush crept up to McCoy's neck.

"I did what felt right. I was able to help some of them and even managed to calm one of the spectators enough to have her get some help from downtown. That was a feat like no other." McCoy laughed and took another sip, "One of the man I helped, Sir Ronald Ross, he was adamant on repaying his debt to me. I would have refused had I any idea who I was or how I got there but alas, I had neither the memory nor the money to survive on my own. So, he took me in and after he and his colleagues realised my penchant for the medical profession, they offered me a job at the clinic and later at the Victoria University. But the latter part lasted shorter than intended."

"What about in between," Jim asked as he swirled his drink in the glass, he appeared lost in his own thoughts "Did nothing seem familiar? No flashbacks or names or something?"

"No, nothing. Don't get me wrong, I knew things that no one could explain. The moment they put a scalpel in my hand, I could cut open any cadaver, I would be able to tell what a patient's problem was without even finishing up the preliminary examination. Not all of what I said made sense to the other doctors and professors. They must have thought that a part of the brain was scrambled from the trauma but they all agreed that I was at my best when I was performing a surgery. They were really all curious where I've practised before and I tell you, that's half the reason why they let me work with them for the last year."

"It must have been tough, not even knowing your name but being so efficient in your job."

"That must say a lot about my character, don't you think?"

"I think it says that you are damn good doctor, McCoy and they were lucky to have you save their asses when you did."

"I'll drink to that," McCoy raised his glass to cling it one last time before finishing off his bourbon. "Ron was kind enough to give me a home and even start an investigation to figure out my origin. He is obsessed with detective work. Nothing turned up but at least I had my name to give. Of course, I am not certain if I am really called McCoy or not but you make do with what you got!"

"Oh, you are definitely McCoy. If nothing else you look like one." Jim's input was as random as it was welcomed. Not that he would let it be known.

"Speaking of mysteries" McCoy echoed, Ron's words "Did you know that the detective, Holmes was dead?"

A sudden surprise appeared on Jim's face as McCoy observed his reactions "He was a fictional character, wasn't he?" he asked McCoy with both uncertainty and confusion.

McCoy suddenly clapped his hands and exclaimed "That's what I thought, too! I couldn't figure out how I would ever know something like that if I didn't already know about it from before I lost my memories!"

"So, you are remembering things!" Jim said with a hopeful tone.

"I believe so. I also knew I would get seasick without remembering boarding a boat before."

"It's a ship" Jim interjected and McCoy rolled his eyes at him "Perhaps you just need the right triggers."

"You sure you aren't on the medical track because you could have made a fine psychiatrist."

"Only fine?" Jim smiled smugly and McCoy almost instantly regretted complimenting him. When McCoy remained silent, Jim realised that he was afraid to confess something. He waited patiently as he too polished off his drink and turned to the doctor only to find him regard Jim with a deadly serious expression.

"I think I was a part of another ship crew in the past," he said much to Jim's surprise "When I was heading for the saloon, I had this silly urge to climb up the stairs to go to the Bridge for no reason. It was like I was compelled to do so as if I belonged there. I mean it makes no sense because I am sure of my profession; I am a doctor! I have no place on a bridge regardless of having worked on a ship. I just don't know, kid. Perhaps that explains why I was on that shore alongside other shipwreck survivors. Maybe I served on that ship as a physician?"

"Did you check the records of the sunken ship?"

"Yeah, Ron did. No records on any ship surgeon or physician on the ship... So that answers my question."

Jim placed his empty glass onto the bench and levelled McCoy with an equally serious face. He leaned in close, threw an arm over his back and gently squeezed McCoy's shoulder. "I think, McCoy, whether you were a doctor or not if you are a part of the ship and her crew then your place is in the bridge right by your captain's side. You shouldn't have to question that. A doctor is the heart of any ship, the one who keeps everyone alive including the captain,"

"Who is the soul of the ship," McCoy finished, mesmerised by the unyielding gaze of the blue eyes, "You have very strong opinions on this subject"

"Yeah, you have no idea."

"Which ship's soul are you then, _Captain_?" McCoy teased, remembering the man's earlier claim, but Jim didn't appear to be joking around.

"One that is already sailing amongst the stars but hasn't been built yet" Jim answered and McCoy snorted loudly. The simple touch on his shoulder which was grounding him to reality assured that McCoy wasn't hearing things but he made a point of laughing at his companions expense. He had to respond without breaking his heart somehow and he figured that telling Jim that he was insane wasn't the best way to do that.

"That makes no sense, Jim." he said jokingly and took the opportunity the let out a long drawn sigh "So, the doctor of a sunken ship and the captain of a nonexistent ship meet up. What do you think is the end result going to be?" It was a rhetorical question but unfortunately, the answer was not.

"Together, they are going to break into the Bridge!"

 

* * *

 


	6. Chapter 6

"Are you out of your God damn mind?" McCoy hissed in return to Jim's suggestion of breaking into the Bridge. It felt comfortable to be glaring at the young man.

"You need a trigger to remember. If you follow your urges," Jim swallowed thickly, "and take them into account, then the Bridge is the perfect place to start!"

The hand on McCoy's shoulder disappeared but the warmth remained, pulling him in Jim's direction. He followed Jim as he got up and stood close to the man, their chests almost touching with each breath.

"Kid, you certainly had your fill with alcohol tonight. Bridge isn't the kitchen, you can't just waltz in and demand a tour and you are thinking about breaking in? There is bound to be people around. No one is going to let you get away with it!"

"There better be people or we'll all be in trouble," Jim replied without flinching at their closeness. "Come on, it'll be fun!"

Without waiting for a reply, Jim took off towards the door, leaving a gobsmacked McCoy behind. This was insane, McCoy thought but his legs moved on their own accord once again. There were questions as to why he followed this clearly insane person around, but in his guts, McCoy felt it be the right thing to do. So he went after Jim and caught up with him at the base of the staircase. A radiant smile greeted him and in a millisecond they were off once again. This time together.

Their first destination, much to McCoy's surprise was the crew quarters on the lower deck. Under two minutes, Jim had figured out the schematics of the ships and lead him to one of the empty cabins on the lower deck. He left McCoy there, who was practically about to have a heart failure. Once Jim returned McCoy didn't hesitate the smack his head for leaving him alone but seeing as Jim carried two white sailor uniforms with him, McCoy couldn't be too angry for the moment. He reluctantly followed Jim's lead again and changed into his rather well fitting outfit.

"I must say, McCoy I like your vest and all the Victorian attire but man, the uniform is definitely something else on you," McCoy tried not to blush like a damned teenager and decided to walk past Jim, in hopes to hide away the redness of his face. Jim, the observant asshole that he is opted to giggle at the sight instead of acting like a mature adult McCoy mistakenly thought he was.

"This way," Jim instructed once he quieted down, "Now, walk like you mean it; You have been walking down these halls all your life. Stick close to the shadows. If they don't realise something strange with someone in uniform, then they won't pay attention to you."

"This is not right. We'll get into a hell of a lot of trouble for this. We'll be booted off the ship, damn it! Why am I even following you?"

"Because you are just as curious about the result!"

But, wasn't that the truth, McCoy thought to himself. By some sheer luck, the crewmen they encountered was limited to two people and as Jim had predicted, they ignored them other than to give solutes. By the time they reached the Bridge's half open door on the upper deck, McCoy's heart was on the verge of jumping out of his chest.

"Relax," started Jim, very unhelpfully "We'll peak inside quickly and then leave"

"Fine, damn it! We are here anyway. Lead the way!"

Upon the final steps, with a small push of his fingertips, the heavy looking door opened further to reveal an understaffed bridge, complete with its three-way windows overlooking the sea, the basic engine control gauges and a crew of three. "Where is the steering wheel?" McCoy whispered and Jim turned to him with a face that said, do you really have no idea how this works?

"In the wheelhouse, obviously," he mumbled back.

Keeping to the darker side of the door and poking his head from above Jim's back, McCoy observed the crew with a new found resolve to remember something, anything. There was an odd combination of crewmembers all clad in white; A young black woman who stood stiff like the world did her wrong and she vowed to take revenge on her; An Asian man who hid his face behind the white cap and watched the gauges like his life dependent on it; And finally, an extremely young man who was the only one currently talking like he swallowed up a steam engine with an accent that McCoy didn't understand. He spent a solid two minutes wondering why the ship's helm consisted of a random selection of people he was not expecting to see and then it was everything that was supposed to be. Seeing it was like waking up in a dream while he still being asleep and finding out that there was a better life somewhere else that was out of your reach, somewhere you were no longer allowed to yet. He shivered and felt Jim's eyes on him.  

McCoy felt a hand creeping up on his chest until it found purchase between his neck and shoulder. The simple touch was almost as if an anchor was cast into the sea of his soul and grounded the ship that was his body. He felt no tremors, heard no sounds of the waves crashing against the ship and he saw not the dimly lit, green coloured room but a larger, more sophisticated bridge with blinding lights. For a comforting second, McCoy was at home and no matter the truth of that moment, he recognised the feeling of belonging couldn't be faked nor forgotten.

"Are you with us?" he heard Jim whisper and close the door a little, obscuring his vision of the room. McCoy remained in his self-made mirage.

The crewmen didn't appear to notice them and as he was about to declare this an overly dangerous waste of time, Jim decided to step forward into the cabin. His movement awakened him from a daze and he reached out to grab an hold of Jim's arm. He hadn't even realised that he had shrieked until every person in the room was looking right at him.

"You know, it goes against the whole idea of sneaking around when you scream," Jim said sweetly but his eyes were speaking of the horrors he momentarily wished to impact upon McCoy. McCoy simply glared in return.

"I know, I know," Jim started to talk but not at McCoy, "I am not supposed to be here!" He lifted his arms in surrender and opened his mouth to explain but the black lady beat him to him. She glared at Jim with such ferocity that it made McCoy proud and she walked right up and into Jim's personal space like she meant business.

"Your shift does not start until next afternoon, Captain." Her accusatory voice was not what surprised McCoy, "You have to follow the procedure if you wish to complete this ordeal with success, sir."

"Wait, what?" McCoy stuttered causing the young lady to direct her glare at him. It should have at least slowed him down but that day wasn't one of his preserve your life days. "You were being serious! You really are a captain? And the captain of this ship, on top of that? What about that other man in the blue outfit, shaking everyone's hands?"

"He is one of our janitors, Mr Jenkins. He came with the ship when we took over after the last crew and he likes to play pretend every  now and then, so we let him."

"Unbelievable. And, you are the real deal?"

"It is hard to believe, isn't it?" the lady agreed, much to Jim's dismay "He even has the gall to drag around civilians in unauthorised sections, without permission."

"And, makes up stories about flying ships and being in lecture rooms, too," McCoy added.

"I didn't!" Jim countered with an innocent face that wasn't fooling anyone, "I really attended your lecture, doctor. It's your own fault not to have realised man with such a handsome face was involved with your class."

"Perhaps your face is more ordinary than you think it is, and that's why I didn't notice you!" The poorly attempted comeback made the woman smile behind her hand as her captain scowled at McCoy.

"You take that back!" As McCoy shook his head as a no, Jim returned back to his officers, "You should resume your duties, Lieutenant!" he ordered childishly. He heard muzzled giggles from behind her.

"As you wish, Captain," she smiled professionally, McCoy was very impressed with her "I am Nyota Uhura, doctor and these are helmsman Sulu and Chekov. If the Captain has brought you up here then it must be with good reason. Welcome aboard."

McCoy nodded at all three crewmen and cleared his throat "Call me Leonard, darlin'. Leonard McCoy. Appointed ship physician of another ship, I think."

"Hey! Did you just recall your first name?" Jim exclaimed from beside him and relief washed over him as he realised that yes, he indeed had and he was fairly certain the name really belonged to him.

"You think, doctor?" echoed the Russian boy, Chekov, as he fidgeted on his spot.

"Yes, Dr McCoy had an accident which left his memories in shambles," Jim jumped in to explain his situation while McCoy, no Leonard, sent a glare his way, "So, I thought it would help him recover them if he was in familiar places in the ship."

"We are sorry to hear that, doctor," Sulu chipped in and they all appeared genuinely distraught by McCoy's condition. Not knowing how to accept everyone's sympathies, he nodded his thanks again.

"So," he started to fill in the awkward silence, "Jim if you are the Captain of this ship, why the hell did we bother with sneaking around?"

"I like to keep my crew on their toes. You all failed, by the way, to notice us. Until Leonard let out that ungodly shriek. Minus points to you all. Good night!"

As Jim stormed out of the bridge, McCoy slowly smiled at the crew. Their amused faces was a sign which convinced him that this was a usual display of drama around the ship. He followed the captain out after bidding his own good nights. Unfortunately, by the time he made it to the end of the corridor, Jim was nowhere to be found.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Mr Jenkins did come with the ship but Jim put him on duty to mess with the passengers from high society, on purpose. Because, why not?


	7. Chapter 7

The morning arrived sooner than anticipated. McCoy _, no Leonard,_ (I am Doctor Leonard McCoy, damn it!) hadn't the chance to properly appreciate his bed nor his deep, dreamless sleep before he stirred awake unwillingly. The reason he was so rudely woken up at the crack of the dawn was not because of his body clock warning him about the upcoming day nor was it a gentle beam of sunlight gently bathing him with warmth. No, it turns out those would be too normal. No, he had to be wake up to the sound of his own god damn name being chanted to him, over and over again while being accompanied by an insistently annoying, constant knocking on his cabin door.

He tried to ignore the sounds, he really did. He was a poor man who hadn't hurt anyone to deserve such a punishment. He had no god damn reason to open his damned eyes. The chanting continued regardless with a newly found ambition. So much so that Leonard considered giving his name up once again, if only it meant the son of a bitch at the door would shut up. Of course, Leonard willing it away wouldn't break their spirit; if they were awake out of their own accords at this time of the day, then they probably didn't have a soul that could be bartered with.

Begrudgingly, he realised that he was not a morning person at all. Cursing at his bad luck, he got off the bed and opened the door, if only to yell at the person on the other side of it. The wonder of wonders, it was Jim... With his goofy, radiant smile, bright eyes, properly pressed ensemble, well-combed beard and hair. Jim, who had the audacity to stand before him, expecting a warm welcome from the dishevelled doctor who still clutched his pillow.

McCoy shut the door back and threw himself back onto his bed. He might have heard a yelp or it might have been a product of his dreamland, he didn't know, he didn't care. All he wanted to do was to sleep. It was simply too early to exist.

Jim disagreed and took his hostility as a challenge. He let himself into the cabin despite McCoy's half-hearted protests. "Go away!" he garbled into his pillow, "Can't you get a hint?"

"You are so not a morning person, Leonard," he heard glass clinking and a deep, almost worn-out sigh.

"You think, genius?" he replied, desperately ignoring a beautiful scent which was filling the room.

"I've missed your grumpiness first thing in the morning," came the mumbled response and Leonard blinked, wishing himself into awakeness "So, I brought you coffee. You need it. You know, I thought I would be a nice, responsible Captain and apologise to you face-to-face for slightly deviating from the truth, yesterday."

Leonard pulled himself up to a sitting position and eyed the coffee on top of the table.  As he made grabby hands towards the hot drink, Jim indulged him and passed him the cup obediently. His hands lingered a bit too long over Leonard's, making sure his hold on the cup was steady or at least masking it with that excuse, but either way Len wasn't in any position to notice it.

After a few sips and a drawn out sigh later, McCoy opened his eyes properly and regarded the Captain once more. He was sitting relaxed and sprawled all over Leonard's sofa. He came to the conclusion that If there was another door between them, he would gladly smack the door on him again. Then again, coffee. It was a nice gesture of him. He could forgive Jim and at least hear out his apology just for that.

"Two things," he started and pinched the bridge of his nose "First, what do you mean face-to-face? It's not like you can send a telegraph to my room over night. Secondly, _slightly deviating from the truth_? Why don't you call it what it is, blatantly lying! Oh, and a third thing, you wanna apologise; come back in six hours."

"I can't," Jim replied with an amused face, "I'll have my next shift then and one cannot simply go up to  the Bridge untimely where Uhura spends most of her time without running the risk of becoming fish chum."

"Are they all so bossy and terrifying?"

"What, my crew? My good man, you have not met the worse one yet!" Jim smiled fondly and Leonard found himself wanting to be a part of that crew if only it meant that Jim would smile brightly when he thought about Len too.

"Isn't it odd at this time and age to be ordered around by a woman, your own lieutenant no less?" McCoy asked while yawning.

"Is that what you really believe?" Jim snapped suddenly and Leonard raised his gaze to meet his.

"That's what everyone is saying, kid but what do I know? I am not even capable of dreaming without mixing it up with reality."

"Then, I suggest you start thinking for yourself, Dr McCoy," Jim replied in a dignified manner and McCoy was too taken aback with his change in demeanour and perhaps even ashamed of his own assumptions that he replied instantly.

"As you say, Captain."

"Since we are on agreeing term," Jim began with much more enthusiasm than a second ago "Allow me to escort you to breakfast. You can tell me all about your weird dreams and regained memories."

"How did you know I did?" McCoy asked as he gave up on his much-needed sleep and moved toward the basin to wash his face.

"You'll be surprised as to how!" was all Jim had to say about it. Leonard shook his head exasperatedly, sending water droplets from his hair across the room. He was being additionally dramatic because of the lack of sleep rather than annoyance with Jim. Hell, he even thought that it was kind of nice to have someone look after him, shower him with morning coffee and deal with his morning personality, which was feared by most, expertly. He didn't say he liked Jim per se but it definitely was a nice change to interact with someone other than Ron.

A bunch of clothes were shoved into his arms, as he closed his eyes tiredly, lost in his thoughts. His hold on the clothes was slack but Jim was standing right in front of him, while his left hand was keeping the garments steady and the other one was gently removing Leonard's wet hair from his forehead. He felt his shoulder relax, ready to curl around the warm body before him. Instead of acting on his impulses, though, he simply chose to remain on his spot, letting Jim do what he wanted. It was an intimate moment, Leonard realised but did nothing to stop Jim from caressing the side of his hair. The movement was familiar, it felt right and he blamed his half asleep brain for that, too.

A moment too soon, Jim retracted his hands. Leonard found himself opening his eyes, despite wanting to continue the dream. The captain stood by the door and spoke loudly "There you go, doctor. It's a beautiful day to be up and about and it's the best kind of open waters a captain could ever hope to sail on.  It'll be a waste to sleep it away."

McCoy nodded towards him. Both of them pointedly ignored the over-friendly moment they just shared and Leonard focused solely on putting his shirt on as Jim counted the scratches on the cabin door.

*

The journey to the saloon was less awkward than the weird atmosphere in his cabin. Leonard was actually grateful for every single passenger who stopped and greeted the captain on their way to their seats. Breakfast itself turned out to be a fantastic idea when he was presented with a plate filled with scrambled eggs on toast, roast beef and griddle cakes served alongside a large cup of black coffee which in his humble opinion was the best part of any course.

Jim was quite pleased with his given meal as well, having been served smoked red herring. Although Leonard was almost certain that the Captain was not meant to be eating every meal alongside his passengers, instead of with his crew, he wasn't going to mention it anytime soon. Neither would their group that they were sharing their table with. The people who were at the dinner were again in their spots during the breakfast and Leonard recognised some of the familiar faces from the night before. Some of the others were absent but were replaced with new friends which he was introduced to. He wasn't going to remember their names either so, he kindly nodded at them and observed Jim from the corner of his eye.

The Captain was hurriedly explaining something about the ship to a curious elderly man. Leonard didn't understand a lick of what Jim said but his smile was contagious. He was practically glowing in the morning light.  Soon, everyone on the table was mirroring his pleasant smile and intently listening to him. Even Leonard couldn't help but be captivated by him. Eventually, though, even Jim had to rest his throat muscles. Once the silence ruled over their table, everyone was able to finish up their meals.

"Well, this has gone cold," Jim poked the remains of his fish with his fork and made a face. They were one of the few ones left in the saloon as everyone had already gone out to the deck to enjoy the rarely seen sun.

"That's what happens when you neglect your food." Leonard pointed out the obvious. He then proceeded to look at anything but Jim and his endearing pouting face. "Nine days more of this view and people, hm?" he mumbled.

"More or less. If spent with a desirable companion, I can assure you that it'll feel a lot less like a choir and more like a vacation," Jim said while pushing away his offending plate.

"Would that desirable companion be you, Captain?" Leonard asked because why not.

"If you wish," was the shy reply he received and honestly, he wasn't prepared to witness the blush spreading across Jim's neck nor the shine in Jim's eyes that he couldn't seem to decipher the meaning of.

*

McCoy would never admit it out loud but he almost missed Jim's presence in the afternoon. He, of course, knew exactly where to find the Captain and the itch persisted for him to go to Bridge every time he was left alone with his thoughts. He was more resilient than he gave himself credit for and he managed to keep himself busy when his mind took a dangerous turn in the labyrinth that was his scattered memories. He visited his cabin, put on a vest and a cravat, somehow alienating himself further from his dreams he had while he was awake. He lurked around, discovered the magnificent books hidden away in the library. The significant increase in the number of people who acknowledged and greeted him as he stalked the decks, also helped and he couldn't find it in him to irritated by anyone of them. He blamed Jim for it.

As a man used to solitude, it got a bit scary when he noticed that he was grateful to be called into join a poker game in the middle of the game room, complete with whisky servings and small plates of fancy food which Leonard was sure he had never tasted before in his life. He didn't even notice the way the ship shook with an oncoming storm and enjoyed a fine game with people he barely knew but was not above collecting their cash. Who would have guessed, Dr McCoy was savage when it came to card games, reading people and sweeping the floor with their mock tears.

*

That's how Jim found the doctor early in the evening. Joyful, a little bit drunk and having the time of his life (at least the time of his life in the last year).  The captain's shift wasn't done yet but when he heard the whispers of one of this crew about how the passengers and some of the crew were getting in line to try their luck against McCoy's, he could not help himself. He had to come down and see the miraculous event with his own eyes. And, there he was, a cigar propped on the ashtray by his side, the first two buttons of his shirt undone but the rest firmly tucked away in his waistcoat and that finely trimmed beard untouched by grey was all in that scene Jim could have ever ask to witness.

It took him a split second more to decide on his next act and make a move towards the crowd around Leonard, only to be stopped by a strong hand on his elbow. Instantly he was pulled out of the room and was forced to walk away from his target.

"Not again, Spock! You have got to stop this, man," he hissed at his first officer 's face. They abruptly came to a halt around the next corner and Jim crossed his arms, expecting an explanation from him.

"As you well know, Captain, you are on duty and you should act accordingly if you wish to remain undercover for the duration of our voyage," he said monotonously and Jim rolled his eyes at him.

"I am perfectly aware, Mr Spock but there is no harm done in enjoying it, now is there?"

"Perhaps not for you," Spock started without batting an eyelid, "Yet, forcing Dr McCoy's memories to the surface may have adverse and irreversible effects on the good doctor. His mind is in a fragile state. I suggest we follow our schedule and allow him time to heal. You shouldn't aggravate his condition more in the mean time and remain vigilant. Now, more than ever."

"You are right, Spock." Jim swallowed hard, of course, Spock was right. Jim was being a selfish bastard, hoping and forcing a memory out of McCoy when he clearly had a difficult time remembering anything. Not to mention that he was probably believing that he was going mad rather than regaining his memories of a ship flying in outer space and what not. Jim felt the need to hit his head on a nearby wall at his stupidity. He refrained from actually doing so instead, he raked his fingers through his hair, sighing resignedly. 

"It's just that," he started and turned to Spock "he is right there, you know! He sees me, knows who I am but he doesn't recognise me at all! It's frustrating not just to be forgotten but also be ignored. Our relationship has gone back to what it was in the first year of our Academy and it is actually worse. Because I know everything we are when we are together and everything more we can be but he isn't even allowed to think of the possibilities because the people in this era are dipshits who take pleasure in condemning love!

"Seeing him but not being able to touch. Fearing that he will flip out on me if I do one thing out of order in this fucking primitive age. It's eating me alive to see him smile more when I am not there as opposed to when I am with him. Subconsciously or not he seems so pleased and relaxed and I am sick with worry that his brain is going short circuit and he is going to end up having a seizure. If this is what he feels like every time I do stupid shit, then no wonder he is a nervous wreck most of the time! God, do you understand what I feel, Spock?"

"I understand that you feel frustrated at Dr McCoy and his inability to remember and therefore care for the real you. If you are asking whether I comprehend the feeling you are having at this, then the answer is no." Jim huffed and leant back on the near wall. What was he expecting? It was impossible to get his point across.

 "Yet," Spock began again "I find myself puzzled with your frustration more, Jim. It is not the doctor's fault that caused his mind to have such an affliction. From what I observed, he is hurt and confused. I assumed in the face of this, you would have acted with more care."

A pang of guilt hit Jim hard and he followed on his earlier suggestion. Resting his forehead on the cool surface, he closed his eyes and draw strength from simply truths; like when Bones leant his head towards his touch without flinching or how Spock was able to remain calm when he was ready to lose his shit. He recalled Uhura's kind, dependable touch on his shoulders and  Scotty's promise. He reminded himself how everyone in the Enterprise was willing to join him in order to bring their grumpy CMO back with no complaints nor hesitation.

"I just miss him so much, Spock," he whispered brokenly. The hand between his shoulder blades provided more comfort than he would ever need.

"That feeling, Captain, I am familiar with."

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the other side of the events. Writing Kirk and Spock wrestling with the situation and trying to help Bones is my pleasure. It turned out more angsty than I first imagined but I am pleased with it. Hope you like it, too.


	8. Chapter 8

It had been a whole day since Leonard had last seen the Captain. After the dinner and the breakfast they shared together, he had assumed that he would be seeing Jim more often than catching glimpses of him every now and then. First, he was curious as to why Jim hadn't come by their table for the dinner. Even the other passenger had no idea why he wouldn't join them, especially after going through so much trouble of making friends with each one of them.

Later, he grew concerned. Jim might have been a captain but he still seemed like an overexcited kid to Leonard and overexcited kids tended to put themselves through all sorts of difficulties. He decided to check on him but he was faced with the major problem of not knowing where Jim's great cabin was. His one chance to find the guy was to go to the Bridge and that was a scary thought. He already tried it once and even with having an already existing pull towards that room, he was reluctant to follow through that idea.

Then the day turned and a late breakfast was eaten alone because first class passenger were morning people unlike McCoy and had already finished their meals and moved on to brunch. He found the peaceful change somewhat boring and eventually, dragged himself to read a book in the crowded game room, the lively background sounds soothing him. When those noises grew too much to bear, he put the book down and turned to leave the room. He made it as far as the door before a blond lady in a blue dress stopped him. He was pleasantly surprised as she introduced herself as Madam Christine Chapel, a widower who used to be a nurse in St George's Hospital, and he recalled her name being mentioned by Jim during their dinner conversation.

He hadn't meant to join and play the game of poker for as long as he did nor drink as much as he had but their conversations with Madam Chapel was beyond riveting as well as refreshing. He could tell that no one around them could keep up with their medical jargon and it was rather amusing to watch them as they exchanged theories and ruled the game equally at the same time.

He had a great time for a while but the absence of a certain someone dampened the joy he felt. It really didn't make much sense; why pin over a guy he barely knew, for no more than a day? Then again, little made sense in Leonard's life so why start now? Why not stay with this lovely lady who enjoyed his non-sophisticated topics of choice? Why not stay where he was and grab his cards once more, handing everyone their asses back to them? Why not have another drink and laugh away with the relaxed participants of the game who didn't mind losing their dimes; Instead of, going off to his room, changing into his stolen (no, borrowed) sailor uniform and sneak into the restricted area?

Oh, wait perhaps that last drink was a bit too much. Like the final droplet on the glass that spilled and jogged him into action. Reminding him that he had very little to lose, and a lot more to gain had he managed to find Jim. He didn't really know what he was going to gain with this per se but some good was bound to happen. Right?

So, in his white trousers, the blue striped jacket and the hideous cap, he went off to the Bridge. It was a big ship, he realised but it wasn't a labyrinth. He could navigate his way through the corridors and the crew only areas just as easily even though the ship had begun to sway with increasingly dangerous angles. He would later blame the drink for that added effect to his poor, throbbing head. But first, he wanted to indulge himself and reach that Bridge once more. He didn't notice when his objective shifted from finding Jim to visiting the Bridge but it almost felt like the same thing to him. He imagined the Captain in gold instead of blue and a big flashy chair that didn't appear the least bit stable. He could hear Uhura on Comm unit conversing, no communicating with others. He heard someone calling out to him but with a wrong name; _Bones_ , they said but it meant nothing to him. He could see flashes of blue, red and most predominantly yellow colours running around in the Bridge. Something called a Spock, giving him a nasty look for being there instead of down in the Medbay and a blur of emergency lights flickering. Then, it all went to Hell. A bad memory, he recognised one second too late. His world swirled downwards as he did.

He gathered himself in a moment, though. As the shadows at the corners of his eyes cleared up, he picked himself up while massaging his temples. The sudden change in the scenery did little to help ease his headache but Leonard was resilient if nothing else. He dusted off his trousers, straightened his back, turned around and bumped straight into Jim.

"This isn't what it looks like," he whispered as Jim only raised his eyebrows and brought up his hand to his mouth. Leonard's face was going through four different shades of red as Jim laughed at his expense.

"I am guessing you enjoyed your day, Doctor McCoy," came the muffled response. Leonard was already regretting this day so much.

"Shut up, kid. It's your fault."

"Oh, how so?" Jim said and to his credit, he stopped laughing as well. Leonard pondered on the answer and reached the conclusion that it was worse to admit that he had been worried about Jim than to lie. So he lied.

"I grew fond of the uniform." Jim wasn't impressed with him even when he elaborated "Also, I figured it might help me remember the past if I repeated what we did before."

"Did it work?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. Maybe no, I am not sure."

"What was it?" Jim kept on asking and Leonard sighed. The captain had a look of distress that he couldn't ignore.

"Explosion, death, mayhem... the usual stuff of nightmares." He honest to God flinched at that, physically moving backwards from Leonard to take a deep breath in and relax his shoulders. Leonard observed the movement with his eyes. He wanted to pull him close and whisper that everything was going to be okay, whether he believed it or not.

Before he had the chance the act on impulse, someone else emerged from the shadows, nearly stopping his heart. Lieutenant Uhura greeted him with a fake smile that spelled trouble for him and Jim both. Leonard smiled back and gestured a sign that hopefully conveyed his apology. It didn't.

"Doctor, I appreciate you bringing back the uniform our dear Captain _borrowed_ ," she said, her tone clearly implying that it was stolen rather than borrowed and she was not happy with that fact. "but next time, try to take it off first. It'll be a lot easier to return it back to its owner."

"Right, that's what I was doing. Too bad, I had one too many to drink and forgot to not wear them," Leonard mumbled much to Jim's delight.

"Of course," Uhura responded sweetly (which terrified them both) and dragged Jim by the arm to stand by McCoy "How about our Captain walk you back to your cabin and help you out?"

"Right, help a guy out, will ya?" he parroted and grabbed Jim's free arm. "That a problem, darlin'?" he added teasingly because alcohol was still roaming in his system and he clearly had no such thing as a mouth filter. Even though they were about the same height, Leonard had to gaze up into the blue eyes that reminded him so much of the sky, gauging Jim's response. Trying to figure out whether he was going over the board with this.

"How drunk are you?" was not what he was expecting to hear.

"Pfft, I am not." Leonard shrugged but did not remove his arm "It's the sea and the memory bomb that dropped on me. It's more exhausting than I thought it would be."

"Are you alright?" Uhura asked with concern.

"Thank you, I am alright, Nyota darlin'," he bowed a little and pointed an accusatory finger at Jim "You see, you brat, that's how you react to a poor man, having trouble standing up. Not by giggling at them."

"Yes. Yes, I am an ass." Jim rolled his eyes at him.

"Did you remember something?" Uhura asked. Like the captain, like the lieutenant, Leonard supposed. They were of the same breed of curious cats.

"Nothing legible." he shrugged and then added "Almost. There was something about a Spock. I don't know what it is but it was damn annoying!"

"You remembered him?" The speed with which Jim whipped his head at him, scared Len into thinking that he broke his neck but the captain was alright. He was just mortified; looking like a rabbit caught in a trap. "Of all the people in the universe, and his name is the one that pops up into your mind? Unbelievable!"

"So, Spock's a he? As in a person?"

"Yes, Doctor McCoy and apparently he is your damn best friend..." Jim snapped and realised what an actual ass he was being. He tapped his feet on the ground, "Sorry, that was petty of me. Commander Spock is my first officer. I had mentioned him before to you. You probably mixed it up with your old memories."

"I don't-" Leonard started but then a sudden flash of a moment when Jim complaining about someone called Spock came back to him. There were drinks in their hands, a dark night and endless stars before them. A view that mimicked the darkness of the night, as if they were standing in between the stars and not below them. On a deck? In a ship? Could it really belong to the night before? Or was it someplace else?

"Take it easy, Bones," he heard and whipped his mind back to reality. Jim had wriggled his arm out of Leonard's grasp but he was standing close with a hand behind his neck.

"Is that the prickly bastard who doesn't know how to switch off and I quote _who likes to keep it neat and never cut you some slack_? That one?"

Jim was about to agree and praise Leonard but a sudden chill filled the room, instead "He... uh."

" _He_ is right here" said a figure from behind Leonard who swore to God was going to die that night if every crewman persisted on sneaking up on them.

"Yes, that he is." Jim forced a smile, "This is Commander Spock, McCoy. Is he everything you remember him to be?"

Oh, Jim was being a little shit, Leonard figured and decided not to indulge the infant in his plays. Instead, he turned to the stoic man and greeted him kindly. This Spock was paler than anyone McCoy had ever seen. He was tall and had a weird-ass long hairstyle covering his ears, which was not regulatory for sailors and alike. His blue frock coat was similar to Jim's but the white vest he wore underneath did nothing but contribute to his ghost-like features. More importantly, he had a face that said, come punch me at once. Or it could have been just the eyebrows...

"Doctor, captain, lieutenant," Spock greeted everyone curtly in return. He was unfazed by his captain's antics which Leonard commended. Jim had gone equally stoic in this guy's presence and Uhura... Was that a genuine smile blossoming on Uhura's face; he didn't want to know.

"What kind of a name is Spock?" he asked before he could stop himself. Jim's eyes widened and a comical panic crossed his face. Leonard wasn't going to try to decipher what it meant.

"He is a foreigner," Jim replied with throwing an arm around Spock's shoulders who glared at him, "A good man, and a bit strict at times but it's for a greater good."

"It's customary in your country to scare the living lights out of a passenger, Commander?"

"That was not my intention, doctor," Spock replied "It is, however, considered rude to disturb an ongoing conversation. I was merely waiting for the right moment to introduce myself."

"Well, you certainly made an entrance, you... uh?" For a change, Leonard managed to keep his tongue between his teeth before he threw a colourful array of names at the Commander. He took a moment to clear his thoughts in order to avoid any unwanted dispute between them. He didn't particularly care but it was below him to deliberately be cruel to a man he just met. Or had he? He needed that one question answered first. "Have we met before?"

"Yes," The answered filled the doctor with great hope and happiness. Caught up in his happy little inner dance, he missed the utmost terror written all over both Jim's and Uhura's faces. "It was on the first day of our voyage, doctor. You had taken ill and I had helped you get to your cabin. Do you not recall?"

"No," he answered, his hopes deflating once more. This was becoming a habit "It wasn't you. It was a boy who helped me out. I think."

"That is most unfortunate. It was I who had guided you."

"Your old memories are surfacing but not in the right order, Leonard," Jim cut in, "Perhaps it's all too confusing to think when you are, you know, tipsy."

"For the last time, I am not drunk, Jim."

"Tired?"

"Yeah..."

"Ok, enough with the interrogations, my good man and my lady. Everyone go back to your posts and I'll walk Dr McCoy to his quarters." Leonard wasn't going to argue with that. The idea of reaching a soft bed was enough to remind him of his exhaustion. He began yawning in no time.

"Good night, doctor and take care," Uhura whispered as he planted a kiss on his cheek.

"You too, darlin'," he responded and nodded to Spock. As Spock placed a hand on his neck, he didn't pull back, accepting it as a friendly gesture but before he realised what was going on, he felt a pinch and Leonard's vision blackened.

"What the hell, Spock?" Jim hissed, struggling to hold Leonard up. He failed and both landed on their knees on the cold floor.

"I fear, not all is well in the doctor's mind, Captain," Spock explained and got on his knees as well.

"You think?" Jim shot back. He was seriously questioning his friend and officer's motives. Instead of bad-mouthing him, he returned his attention to Bones. He pulled him close, letting his head fall onto his shoulder and sneaking an arm around his waist.

"Beyond what we anticipated, Doctor McCoy's brainwaves are erratic and uncoordinated. Had the incident occurred a few weeks or months ago, I would have considered this normal but after a year of no change and then having an abnormal increase in memory surge, it very may have an adverse effect in the long term. If it can be saved at all."

"Are you suggesting that Leonard's remembering too quickly and that could fry his brain?" Jim asked to clarify. Spock nodded solemnly.

"It is a possible outcome."

"Is there anything we can do to slow it down?" Uhura chipped in, grabbing hold of one of Leonard's hands.

"Keeping me away was the solution but it clearly failed. If anything, his flashbacks are happening more violently now. He remembered so much more in the last two days than what he did in one year!"

"The fact that we are on a ship probably assists in that. There may be nothing for us to do, except..." Spock trailed and dread filled Jim. He was going to suggest something that he and Bones would definitely hate. Nevertheless, he motioned for Spock to continue.

"I will brain meld with the doctor and in order to slow down the acceleration, I'll access parts of memories, blocking them. As he regains himself more in the future, I can manipulate the parts of the memories that they hid away and allow them to surface with no harm done."

"Or without risking overheating," Jim finished and shared a worried look with Uhura. They both equally appeared put off with the idea but neither were in any position to propose a better idea. Jim spared a glance at Bones, sleeping soundly. He buried his nose into the doctor messy hair, smelling of a weird sea-scented shampoo that Jim wasn't acquainted with. It pissed him off but didn't stop him from planting a small kiss on top of Bones' head. "He is going to hate us both when he notices what you did, Spock."

"He will hate me all the same if we leave him be. It seems that is a universal constant."

"That's not true, Spock," Uhura said, gently caressing the Vulcan's cheek, "And, Leonard isn't capable of hating you, Jim. I know, he tried."

"I hope you two are right, or the Enterprise will be left with minus a CMO." Jim sighed and although he tried to hide his own fears through professionalism, both Uhura and Spock understood the deeper meaning behind his words; a captain without a doctor; Jim without Bones. Neither commented but they nodded in sync.

Without further ado, he pushed Bones towards a wall with Uhura's help, lifted up his chin and supported his head with holding his neck. His thumb caressed the soft spot beneath Bones' ear, hoping to relay some sort of support. Spock replaced Uhura's place on his other side and reached out placed his fingers accordingly. Jim averted his eyes and focused on the steady rise and fall of the strong chest, how it seized a little every now and then. He traced Leonard's lean fingers with his own and grasped them when the doctor let out a particularly ragged gasp. Spock retreated after that and Jim cradled the dazed but awakening Leonard close to his chest.

"He will need a few moments to regain his senses, Jim. I suggest we get him up and take him back to his cabin in the meantime."

"Which memories did you misplace?" Jim asked slowly.

"Tonights', mainly. They were the ones muddling his thoughts the most. He will still recall meeting me but not where or how we met."

"Alright, good enough," Jim let out a breath he had been holding in, "In the meantime, make sure we got the coordinates right from the colonists. I doubt we'll have extra time if we end up lost in the ocean."

"Only two set of coordinates remain, Jim. We have got to get Leonard back before we reach the last position in a few days." Uhura whispered, "Do you think we'll have enough time?"

"Yes, as long as we have the time we need, we'll do fine. But, to make sure that we are on the same page with the colonists, sent Chekov and Sulu back to the Enterprise when you can and have them monitor our progress."

"We will be reaching the first set of agreed coordinates at four hundred hours sharp, we can transport them out then."

"Also, find Scotty. He has been blowing us off for two days now."

"Any reason as to why, Captain?" Spock asked but Uhura jabbed him in the ribs. It was all he needed to realise the answer by himself "He is feeling guilty over what had happened to the doctor."

"Thanks for stating the obvious, Mr Spock. Uhura, can you?"

"I am on it, Captain," she nodded, order received and understood.

"Good, you two better disappear, then. I'll take care of him."

"You don't need us, Jim?" Uhura asked and helped him get Leonard on his feet. The doctor's body was awake but his mind was in another land entirely.

"I got this. It's better this way, right? He would never have believed that Spock's a foreigner anyway."

"No, he wouldn't have," Uhura smiled as Jim threw Bones' arm around his shoulders. His hand on the doctor's waist slipped beneath the waistcoat and he stroked the delicate skin over the shirt. He wished Leonard wouldn't wear so many layers but damned Victorian values had decided otherwise to solely piss off Jim Kirk.

Spock and Uhura stuck around until they reached Bones' corridor, expertly deflecting any and all curious passengers who question their intentions, as well as Dr McCoy state of wooziness. After convincing everyone that he was suffering from a horrendous seasickness, they were finally left alone long enough for Jim to drag Leonard through the last part of the hall. It was at that time that Leonard came to himself. Uhura and Spock turned around so quickly and without raising a doubt that even Jim didn't notice the moment of their departure.

"What? Whaz happen'?" McCoy slurred and Jim held him tighter, amusedly watching him as Leonard grasped their situation, how close they were walking side by side. They were both hot, especially Jim was burning like a furnace with the exertion of carrying Leonard around. Subconsciously, Leonard nuzzled in closer, burrowing into the welcoming warmth.

"You ass!" he said suddenly and Jim visibly jumped out of his skin, "Where have you disappeared to all day? I thought you were joining us for dinner, or breakfast or something?"

"Sorry. Captainly stuff needed my attention. It's not easy handling this old girl."

"Oh God, we're not going to sink, are we?"

"What, no!" Jim exclaimed "You know better than this, McCoy, I won't let my ship get hurt. Not if I can help it."

"Sure, I'll believe in you." Leonard smiled. His eyes were unfocused but he seemed to have gathered his wits, "By the way, you can call me Len or Leo instead of McCoy, whichever you prefer. We are past the whole surnames exclusive state since yesterday."

"Yeah, yes. I totally agree, Len. Also, you never asked but I am Captain James T. Kirk."

"That name has a nice tune to it" Leonard mused "I'll try not to wear it out."

"Knock yourself out, man."

"By the way, why the hell are you half dragging me to my room?" Leonard asked and knowing there was no other answer than the lie Uhura suggested, Jim began to elaborate on a story about Leonard's seasickness and his unlikely adventures with bourbon.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The way Jim's speaking patterns switch between proper and more casual is deliberate; All in relation to how much he gets engrossed in the problem and interacts with the rest of the crew.


	9. Chapter 9

"So there is this kid, barely out of his diapers, right, he is standing before a cadaver for the first time and what does he do? Holds the scalpel backwards, cutting his own palm open instead of the dead guy's chest! Then, he is wailing like some dying animal and the sound is both haunting and hilarious." McCoy finished his tale, earning a pat on the back from Jim.

"I think you managed to terrify and cause everyone on the table to lose their breakfast, Len," Jim commented lightly as he sipped his coffee. It was the morning of their fourth day. They were seated at a table overlooking the ocean, enjoying each others company with coffees in hand. The other passengers on the same table nodded in agreement but it only made Leonard smile brighter. It was a sight that caused both Jim's chest to swell and his throat to tighten. "It's a nice change to see you happy in the morning."

"It's a nice change to feel happy, Jim" Leonard responded and Jim's heart broke into little pieces, taking away what little joy he felt. "My mind feels free today. It's been eradicated of overflowing thoughts and painful aches. I must have gotten a perfect night's sleep."

"Yeah, you must have." Jim was a total bastard. He was sure of it now. When he gazed at Bones and saw a man whose smile wasn't bitter, he didn't recognise it. The stranger who held his body straight without the burdens of the world placed on his shoulders, without the pain of the past dragging him down. He stared at him and saw a different man staring back through hazel eyes.

He hated it but there was nothing he could do. He couldn't remind him of them, of Enterprise. Not yet. All that was left to do was to accompany the man and keep an eye on him. He still had his captainly duties so even those few precious moments were cut short, and shared with the rest of crew who were similarly both distraught and glad to see the doctor content, even happy. Jim tried not to say that word, in case he jinxed it but that's what Bones was at that moment, happy. No one could deny it.

As Leonard was lost in telling yet another story about his lectures in Liverpool, Jim began formulating a faster but safer method of helping Bones out. They were quickly running out of time. The voyage was only going to last ten days. Reach the end and they were done for. Enterprise would have to leave without her senior officers.

God, damn this place!

It wasn't meant to be real. Not fully. Not at first. But here they were, in a world solely created for the weak mind where the dangers could prove to be lethal. Their existence as well as their conscious mind were very much real and just as easily affected by their surroundings. But it was only ever meant to be a simulation and never meant to be anything more.

Jim recalled the moment when his first officer, accompanied by Uhura and colonist scientists, had informed him of what had befallen on Bones. He recalled in great detail the way Spock's furrowed brows twitched and how Uhura's mostly distinguished posture was on the verge of breaking down as they assessed the situation. Well, it was mostly Spock who had done the talking while Jim, knuckles white from tightly holding onto his communicator, had to summon all his inner will in order to maintain control over his impulses.

It was his fault. He hadn't heeded to Bones' pleadings and fended off his worry with a knowing smirk and encouraging few words. He didn't even remember what he had said to him; something generic, like it was any other mission and not potentially Leonard McCoy's last one. He was disgusted with himself for it but regardless of the intensity of his self-hatred for his mistake, it was nothing compared to the regret he felt.

 _He is gone, Jim._ Uhura had whispered with a trembling voice, _The transportation was not completed in time. His body never made it down to the ground._

 _The heavy disturbance in the area, combined with the unexpected malfunction on the ship interfered with Dr McCoy's teleportation. He would not have felt it._ Spock had added, which had not helped calm Jim down. The colonists blamed the Enterprise for the tragic and unforeseen event. The mystery of why or how the ship broke down remained unsolved even as Scotty stood his ground for as long as he could and defended his best girl.

Inspections on both the ship and on the ground were done, results were compiled and conclusions were drawn all the while Jim left the helm to Spock and deemed himself emotionally compromised. The words leaving a taste of ash in his mouth as he half-heartedly muttered them.

It wasn't until the end of the week that the storm had calmed and all hope was lost that Spock turned up in his cabin with something resembling of good news. They, Spock and the rest of the crew might have found a way to bring Dr McCoy back. With a heavy heart too fragile to hold on to false hope, Jim had reluctantly accepted to hear their suggestions. It turned out, it was a good decision. He wasn't entirely sure who it was, maybe Scotty or Chekov, he was far too much lost at the bottom of a bottle by then, but someone had discovered that the sketchy colonists who had been far too quick to point their fingers and blame the Enterprise, were actively working on their new technology. A technology which involved gathering the remains and the body signature of the last person who had used the transportation pod, and then reassembling the person back into one piece.

Jim had been furious when this information had reached him and he had stormed out of his room, uncaring of his grim looks, complete with the unwashed uniform set he was wearing and an unflattering beard which had overgrown its welcome. When he had faced the scientists and simply threatened them with cutting off their supply import from the federation, they had been kind enough to confess both messing with the Enterprise's inner working and working with their new guinea pig. Jim nearly shot their team leader in the head had it not been for Uhura's and Spock's combined efforts.

It had been Scotty who had suggested letting them do just that; attempt to bring McCoy back from almost nothingness. They had nothing to lose if they failed and a great deal to gain if they succeeded so Jim had chosen to bring him back with the colony's technology. The idea to keep McCoy's mind active and preserve its sanity was to be done with having McCoy in a simulation while his body was put together and his mind recovered from the heavy trauma he sustained. He had believed the remaining good people of the colony when they argued that they had the means to put his friend back together. Almost from scratch, with using whatever cells and DNA were left in the transportation device. They were going to put him together like the way he was before but also, he would be brand new. Like he never died at all.  

It was never that easy though, and as such, they were on a time limit. Four days down; six days left until the reanimation device would reach maximum capacity and shut off. They had to get out before then or sane or not, McCoy and everyone hooked up to the simulation would be trapped there for the rest of their lives.

He had wanted to help. He hadn't known the procedure was only theoretical, that it hadn't been properly tested yet. He hadn't known that Bones would be trapped in it. Unable to remember, unable to return back home. It all had gone to shit so fast, that they didn't see it coming at all. Now, it was up to them to save their friend and it wasn't going well enough.

He wished for a whisky instead of a coffee. He wished it all was a horrible nightmare and he woke up from it kicking and screaming. So that, he would have an excuse to bother Bones in his own quarters and curl around him like he did in the academy while hiding his emotions behind a blank smiley mask. Bones would scoff at him, call him names but more importantly he would see through the facade and lift his duvet for Jim to join. Then they would wake up and resume their day as if it were any other day.

A simple touch on his wrist brought all of it back. It took everything in Jim to surpass a sob. Jim could still notice the shift in Leonard's moods quicker than everyone else. It was in small ways that McCoy's fear overshadowed his stubbornness, like how he would gaze at the stars for a moment too long or how he would worry the glass clasped tightly in his palm. Or as in this case, with his grip on Jim's wrist growing stronger with each second that passes in silence.

"Is something the matter?"

"No, nothing," he answered, his throat dry and tongue stilled with all the heavy words that he couldn't voice. If only they had managed to locate McCoy before the colonials began repairing a mind they did not understand. The scientists had spent a year in the simulation, one week in the real world, fixing his characteristical and professional aspects, figured they had enough time. They didn't. The storm, like it had fucked up Bones' transportation, also messed up the reanimation device, overloading it.

If something could go wrong, it will go wrong as long as you are in the Enterprise, Jim mused darkly and downed his coffee. The hot beverage burned its way down its throat. The pain rooted him, dragging his delusional ass back to reality. They didn't have time to allow Leonard to recall his name without a forceful trigger, they weren't going to be able to put his mind back in order in time. Unlike, his reassuring words to Uhura, Jim was scared and he hoped, that at least they would be able to put his molecules back together and heal him physically. Memories... Well as long as Bones was alive and healthy, they could always generate new ones.

"Cut the crap, Jim. This isn't the face of someone who has no problems," Leonard tried again. It was effective in getting him to face Len.

"Sorry," Jim replied and reached out to hold Bones' hand, covering it with his own. An affectionate squeeze that was meant to soothe them both but it wasn't what happened. Leonard pulled his hand away as if he had been burned, stunning Jim. "Ah, sorry, again. I was thinking of better times, old friends and family, you know. For a second, I mistook you for someone else."

"It's alright," Leonard answered "I overreacted. It's not usual for people to get touchy-feely with each other around here."

"Yes, I noticed. It's a damn shame if you ask me" If he sounded wistful, it was worth it after seeing Bones' amazed expression. They were slowly getting on the same page. Though Jim wouldn't hold his breath, not after Spock's mind meld.

"So," Leonard cleared his throat, shaking off the awkwardness he felt and changed the subject smoothly "Where have you been of late? You were gone for solid two days. Did you get a complaint or something?"

"No, nothing like that. I visited the lower decks, met the good people downstairs."

"You mean the passengers with the third class passes?" Leonard asked. Jim was glad there was no judgement or condemnation in his tone. Healing the mind was one thing, curing classism was another.

"Yeah, and let me tell you. They know how to party. Cheap booze, loud music, laughter all around. Most of them are really nice folks too. Some gave me the stink eye for joining them but it wasn't ill intended, not for long." The lie wasn't that off, he had joined their dinner the night before. His priority had been to stick around Len but Spock and Uhura were strictly against hanging around the doctor too much in case it bore disastrous results such as overworking Leonard's mind.

"You are a different breed of a captain, Jim but I ain't complaining" Leonard smirked and the flash of white teeth overturned Jim's stomach, "What do you got planned for tonight, after your shift; going to visit downstairs or upstairs?"

"Choosing between a wild party and you is a most difficult task, Len," he said pulling it together. He switched on his charm,  falling into his old habits "Unless you desire my presence by your side of course."

Leonard snorted loudly but he wasn't ashamed of a bit of flirting when they were out of earshot. Jim on the other hand, was never going to understand nor learn the ways of the old when touching in public was as grave as a sin and god forbid if you even think about flirting, neither with a man or a woman. Everything was about gender roles and protecting their masculinity or femininity, and to do so separately. If you as much as spoke about love, you got your ass handed to you. There was no way he could comprehend a lifestyle which directly forbade open-hearted love, for life; As in during all their lives, throughout the whole eighty or ninety years. Why did the colonists ever choose this time period? It was a nightmare and an impossible rule to follow. Of course, he was going to disregard it full-heartedly.    

There was no one left on the table to judge them either so he turned up his charm even more, winking at Leonard as the man let an exasperated sigh with an amused smile. "Or you can accompany me downstairs?"

"Hell no!" Lenord shot back, "I just gotten rid of my headache. I am not risking it coming back. Moreover, I am not willing to be surrounded not only by water but also be trapped within the water in this tin can."

"You got to face your fears sometimes, Len."

"Not like this, mister. I am not suicidal!"

"Alright, I won't push you. Just so you know, they got a wicked whisky collection down there. Between you and me, I think it's the illegal sort." Jim leaned in, hoping to hypnotise him with his sweet smile and change his mind. He had forgotten, this was Bones. He was practically immune to Jim's leer. Plus, he didn't yield easily when it came to phobias. Not now, not ever.

"Then, you can be a darlin' and grab us a bottle of the _wicked_ assortion, Captain. I'll be sitting on the usual bench."

"Oh, you sly old man," Jim laughed but nodded. It was a challenge and he was ready to take it on. This was the best opportunity to get back to what they had before, even for a little while. Between his tormented side that begged him to stay by Bones' side and his impatient side which was quickly getting angry over his incompetence, this was the better path he could follow. He was going to seduce Len into remembering him while staying within their respective boundaries of masculinity.

*

"This is a terrible idea, Jim," Uhura spoke silently "Perhaps, we should let Spock piece his mind together."

"He can't do that if there is nothing to piece together. Bones needs to remember more, first. Then I'll trust someone else with his brain!" Jim countered and leaned against the metal door of the Bridge.

"Spock might understand the functionality of the brain more than you Jim. All I am saying is, let a professional handle this."

"Because the colonials did a bang up job about it, right? Look, I trust Spock but this is so not his area. The emotions which Bones must be having are going to go over his head. That's why I sent Chapel to keep an eye out for any erratic behaviour and do other medical observations in my stead."

"Ok, but how is whisky the problem solver here? Because whatever solution you think you have, I am not seeing it." Uhura crossed her arms and Jim was vaguely reminded of Spock at having to hear counterargument at his every suggestion.

"I believe the Captain is onto something, Lieutenant." It was Spock who spoke the words but neither Uhura nor Jim believed the words coming out of his mouth.

"But?" Jim began, fully expecting a genius level argument to break out but Spock surprised him.

"I had not intended to follow with a _but_ , Captain. As much as I am averse to the idea of consuming alcohol this frequently, intoxicating Dr McCoy with a certain amount will assist in lowering his mental barriers. Therefore, making it easier for me to delve into his mind, attain repressed memories and rearrange them."

"God, you make it sound so bad," Jim buried his face in his hands and stifled a groan, "I can't believe I am about to get my best friend drunk so that you can..."

"Fix his mind from the inside," Uhura completed his sentence thankfully, "The colonists can do only so much in the time left, Jim. We have to intervene and set things right or accept the fact that Leonard, as we know him will be gone."

"Not to mention that he will no longer be qualified to act as a Starfleet Officer or even as a doctor." Spock added in, "There is still the matter of protecting his mind, Captain. You must use caution to avoid extreme confusion. Otherwise, there may not be anything left to salvage."

"Thanks for the pep talk, Spock." Jim darted his eyes between the couple while passing his fingers through his unkempt beard and came to the conclusion that there was no better time to take things to the next level. "Alright, let's go steal ourselves some booze then!"

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, my parents had come to visit me. I'll try to keep the updates more regular. Enjoy!


	10. Chapter 10

Leonard fidgeted where he sat on the bench, overlooking the calm sea. Not one soul was around to enjoy the moment of serenity and only the sounds of the waves crashing at the side of the ship were there to accompany him. That and the stars up above. Shining brighter than he has ever seen them, he felt like the stars were guiding them back home. They were leading them away from the deep, dark ocean and pull them back to the safety of the land. He felt silly thinking that, the stars weren't going anywhere. They weren't moving at a speed Len could observe if they were moving at all.

He wasn't scared gazing at the moonless sky or leaning against the railing, nothing but a bunch of metal bars keeping him from meeting a cold, untimely end in the bottomless, salty waters. That should have been his first clue. Something was way off with him. Yet, it didn't register at first and he resumed his position by the railings, thinking of the absence of his bizarre dreams and how little that made him happy. He was calm like the ocean but also, restless like the waves.

He rubbed his eyes, feeling the aftereffects of his all day long escapades with the fine wine he acquired from a mysterious gentleman. He had seen the way Madam Chapel glued his eyes on him, not in an 'I want to do you' way but rather 'You are going to drown in that bottle and I won't lift a finger to help you' way. There was a distinctive difference between the bedroom eyes and disappointment after all and McCoy had mastered in telling them apart despite his obvious disadvantage. He didn't blame the woman for that, he had had a good morning which quickly turned sour after Jim left. Some random nobleman picking a fight with him over a misunderstanding involving a cigar. Everyone being on edge due to the prolonged times they had to spend in close quarters was also grinding on people's nerves, making them flare quicker than usual. McCoy would sympathise with them. Except, he didn't. Despite all the expected burst of anger, the world still seemed pleasant in his eyes and he remained composed. Now, that was scary.

The opening sound of a door echoed in the night, taking his mind off his musings and he eagerly turned around. "Please, tell me that's what I think it is!" Lenord rejoiced at the sight of Jim appearing in the doorway to the outer deck with a dusty bottle and two crystal glasses.

"Yes, it is a Scottish 1870, Dewar's single malt. You can thank me all night long," Jim replied arrogantly. He had ditched his usual carefully selected attire and had opted to wear a plain shirt with a high collar and suspenders fastened to a pair of loose trousers tucked into short boots.

"You wonderful bastard. What did you trade for this, your soul?"

"Something like that," Jim beamed, passing him both of the glasses so that he could open the bottle. The heavy scent of cigars reached his nostrils as the young man struggled with the lid. Len sat back and enjoyed the scene where he could see the beads of sweat gathered on Jim's chest and neck, glistening in the dim lights of the deck. A familiar urge rose up in him, begging him to touch the scarce blond hair visible within the open collar, to caress the neck and nibble at the base of his chin where his beard began. To feel the raw skin under his fingertips.

Leonard jerked awake from his self-inflicted delusions at the sound of Jim's triumph over the lid. He put the glasses down, stripped off his long coat and draped it over Jim's shaking shoulders. He got in closer than intended and his voice sounded thicker than usual but neither was complaining "Here, you are going to catch your death if the wind picks up"

"Thanks," Jim muttered, clinging closer to the coat and flashing him a heartfelt smile. He took a careful step back and gestured at the glasses so that he could fill them up with healthy amounts of the light brown liquid. "A challenge has been won. That's what matters at the end of the day," he cheered and clung his glass with Leonard's, earning a similar smirk in return.

"Pity, you didn't ask for anything in return. It is a drink to die for..." Len sipped his glass and Jim almost choked on his. He allowed him a moment to get his breathing back to normal while savouring the smooth, heavenly scotch. "I hope it is the real deal. I heard some nasty stories about the illegal stuff they had banned"

"Hey, it doesn't taste like kerosene, so it's ought to be legit," was Jim's simple reply. Leonard nodded as he looked Jim over and his eyes got stuck on a small glint on his finger. He considered not being nosy but curiosity won at the end.

"So, what is up with the ring? Is there a story behind it or it's just a fashion accessory?"

Jim choked a little on his drink this time. He became pink to the ears which Len found to be rather fitting colour on him. "It belongs to an old friend. I am keeping it safe for now."

"You are a real goody two shoes, aren't you?" He said without glancing away. When his lingering gaze took too long to rose up to Jim's eyes, the blond man licked his lips, almost as if he was teasing and daring him to take a final risk. The bait, the invitation was there but there wasn't enough courage nor alcohol in him to help him push towards that risk. He swallowed hard while worrying the mouth of the glass and tried to focus on the reality before him. It was a difficult feat with Jim standing close enough that he could practically feel his breath on his neck.

"There was a-" Leonard started, trying to remember the last memory like a dream he had had two nights ago. Jim hummed, urging him to continue and Leonard described the vivid image of a grey-walled room which housed a single bed, strange machinery that he didn't recognise and blue, golden striped overshirts in a wardrobe. He then detailed a large saloon with a wide window looking out to the dark space as if they were swimming amongst the stars. In this room, there were two people sitting side by side and sipping colourful beverages. A blur of gold was what he could see in the corner of his eyes yet the sense pride he felt for the other man was unmistakenly strong. They were born to be up there because everywhere else felt too wrong to be.

Len finished sharing his dream whereas Jim stood with his mouth hanging open, unable to respond to him. Having rendered Jim Kirk speechless, the doctor decided that he had earned the refill with the fine scotch and poured some into both their glasses.

 _Everyone else was too wrong to be with._ Len didn't add it to the end but kept the thought close to his heart, hiding it from Jim. He had a vague guess that Jim already gathered it as well but he didn't say anything for a while. Honestly, he had been expecting the kind of glee that appeared in Jim's eyes each and every time he had mentioned another bizarre dream to him. He was aware that those dreams were too odd to have anything to do with his real memories so it was completely pointless to be happy about seeing them but Jim had always shown to have a different perspective. Yet, this time around, when he glimpsed at the stunning blue eyes, only sadness was evident.

"Jim," he whispered softly and put a hand on his shoulder. The captain blinked away tears that were barely visible and ran his fingers through his hair, his hand falling down on Len's wrist and gently holding onto him.

"It sounded like a stunning dream.  To be amongst the stars, to be with your better half... or the closest thing you can get in its stead." There was a tremor in his voice that Len didn't particularly like and to make Jim feel better he caressed the junction between the captain's neck and shoulder. His fingers grazed the short hair at the back of his head, while his thumb rubbed small circles beneath his ear. It worked like a charm. Jim's tense shoulders relaxed, as he directed them towards the bench.

They slumped down together. There was an intense moment which passed without either of them doing anything but gaze into each other's eyes, looking but failing to find something that was once crucial. Jim gave up first, his head rolling back towards the sky. His drink was forgotten in his palm but McCoy's wasn't. In the silence that followed, while Jim managed to finish his first drink, Len downed three more glasses. Before he knew it, with the assistance of the booze, his fatigue caught up with him. The lullabies of the waves and the distant music from the saloon put him to sleep on the hard cold bench and he dozed off dreaming of a quieter ship and a warmer bed.

*

It was Jim who unwrapped Leonard from the impossible fetal position he had curled into. It took great effort to unbind the doctor into a less awkward position by his side after rescuing the strongly held glass. He simply continued to nurse his second glass, his mind heavy with all that was to come. Jim discovered why McCoy liked it so much up on that deck, as his friend kept on sleeping by his side. The stars were bare and captivating in their beauty. With the lack of the city lights, it was almost as if they were back up in space in their ship. Just two guys bickering in the bar at their home.

His arm started to go numb under Bones' full weight but he made no attempt to remove it. What he did was to snuggle in closer to Bones.

That's when Leonard's eyes fluttered open. As he came to it, he realised that his whole torso was leaning against a bulky, warm body, his head resting uncomfortably on a bony shoulder. His arms were draped all over that same body, as well. His consciousness supplied him with nothing as to his whereabouts or his company. He didn't complain, because the warmth, the scents and the body felt right like he was meant to hold onto this person and never let go. His treacherous brain, on the other hand, was feeding him clues about the sound of the sea and a very specific handsome blond. The images took a moment to fit into the blanks but then he recalled the cool breeze from the ocean, the smoked taste of aged whisky and the biggest shining star of the night that was named Jim Kirk.

He spent an embarrassing second to come to terms with the fact that he had wrapped the blond man in an embrace which an octopus would envy. He, a grown ass man was basically cuddling the captain of the ship, another grown ass man, in the middle of the observation deck.

Needless to say, Leonard was in no condition to form any coherent sentences, let alone give a proper apology to Jim before jumping away from the man and cleaning the pooled drool on his shoulder. 

"Oh God! Sorry," Len stuttered, a blush creeping its way up to his neck. His dignity, as well as his almost non-existing reputation, was damaged beyond repair.

"Don't fret, Bones," Jim replied drowsily "You fell asleep with a gorgeous human pillow. It happens."

"What did you call me?" The sudden question caught Jim off guard. He swirled his drink and focused on the whisky, trying to act nonchalant.

"I said, don't fret, McCoy," he backtracked, cursing himself and praying that Leonard would drop the subject in the meantime. He didn't.

"No! You said; Bones. Why?"

"You are clearly still asleep, old man." Jim tried to salvage what's left of his lie, then decided that it wasn't going to cut it. Not with the arched eyebrow directed at him, clearly calling him out on his bullshit. He debated with himself overcoming clean with him; eventually, he would have to. So why not start right away? "It's a stupid nickname I thought you might like. It doesn't matter." Maybe, the partial truth was better.

"It matters," Leonard insisted "Because I heard that name in my dreams. Someone called out to me, screamed at me with that name. The sound of those two syllables echoes every time they are muttered around me. It must mean something!"

Jim shook his head, unsure of how to respond and Len let out an infuriated sigh, dropping down to the bench. His shaky hand grasped the rim of the glass, shoving it towards Jim for a refill who obliged reluctantly. A tense silence, much different from the one before stretched on until Leonard finished his drink. When he spoke next, his voice was strained and thick "You are hiding something, kid. I assure you I will find out what it is"

 _I have no doubt about it, Bones_ Jim wanted to reply but before he could open his mouth, the glass in Leonard's hand slipped and hit the metal floor, shattering with a high pitched sound. Leonard's heavy body followed after the glass. As he was about to dip forward and hit the ground, Jim surged forward and caught him with both hands. A cold fear covered Jim's heart at the sight of Bones' motionless body, but unfortunately, that would be only a temporary problem as his body began seizing and shaking uncontrollably.

 

* * *

 


	11. Chapter 11

He dreamed of an endless, blue ocean, at first. He was standing on the edge of a mirror, looking down at the water and at his sad reflections. There was blue on him as well, it allowed him to disappear within the ocean surface, turning invisible. As if he were becoming one with it. He never once considered himself similar to the ocean, yet the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. He always held onto his anger like a sudden storm appearing amidst the ocean, unleashing a force to be reckoned with. During the down time, his calmness offered a sanctuary from the dangers of the deep seas.

The ocean wasn't the only captivating things in his line of sight; The sun was out but he knew the stars were out there, even if he couldn't see them. A voice called out from the depths of the ocean and drew his attention back downwards. A body floated up to the surface, eyes closed, body dry as if it was frozen and couldn't quite meltdown yet in the water. The dirty blond hair was familiar to him, but the unmoving chest and the lack of energy was not. He recognised him anyway; Jim. 

If Leonard was the ocean, then Jim was a star, a constellation even. A collection of stars that never burnt out, always providing light on the darkest road. Something tangible and trustworthy. Warm and strong. He was real and he was alive. Wasn't he? Or maybe he was a comet who flared brightly for a few precious moment only to crash and burn out just as quickly. Abandoned, left to die alone...

 _Why?_ he whispered to himself. Why had he just worried himself over that? Why even think about it all? He didn't get answers right away and the body kept on floating, kept on taunting him to jump into the ocean and follow in the footsteps of the dead.

The second dream was less merciful.

He saw body bags, explosions, an immense amount of pain as his medical team suffered through an attack. People, his friends being subjected to the horrors of war, in agony as the ship around them broke and the walls crumbled. They were dying left and right, and there was nothing he could do. He felt the helplessness, oh so similar to when he woke up on the shore of Crosby. He was unable to help, to revive his fallen crewmembers, his friends. He had failed them. But most of all, he felt the burning shame of not being able to save his captain, his best friend. The man he would die for. As he laid in the bag, unmoving, surrounded by nothing but death, all Leonard could do was to stare blankly, blame himself and think; _why wasn't I with him at the end?_

He gained consciousness but the cost was high. His eyes were blurry and his vision was fuzzy. He had no means to tell heads from tails. He was a sobbing mess, with tears in his eyes clutching a set of railings as if the ship was going to give under him and fall from the sky. Everything shook violently, Leonard heaving along with it. He wished for it to stop. He begged for unconsciousness. A set of skilful fingers were pressed against his neck and his wish was granted with no further delay.

*

"How are you feeling, Len?" asked a gentle voice and Leonard stirred in his blissfully comfortable bed. His vision was blurry when he cracked open an eye but it cleared as Jim's pressed lips and creased brows came into view. "Deja vu, much?"

"You are dead," Leonard deadpanned and Jim's tired face morphed into a grim one. His sorrowful eyes flickered across Leonard's body and the wall behind him until he decided to focus on him one more time. This time with more conviction in his gaze.

"I am right here, Leonard. And, so are you," he whispered. The desperation and agony were evident in his voice, but why? Leonard wanted answers, not more questions...

"What happened?"

"I should ask you the same," was Jim's reply and he actually sounded exhausted. Leonard noticed how his emotions were going haywire through his near-hysteric hand gestures. Not only that but Jim was showing signs of anxiety, too; talking too fast, breathing heavily. Len wanted to seize him by the arm and listen to the beating of his frantic heart, a sign that he was alive and well. He didn't get the chance because Jim was adamant in talking himself to asphyxiation. "You had a few glasses and dozed off. Which was fine, you know. It happens after being tired so long but then, the seizure began. Spock showed up but he wasn't much help either. You were out cold, sweating and had a high temperature. We couldn't wake you up. I feared the worst. Called in Chapel who was able to help. We got you back to your cabin and thankfully your fever broke!"

He slouched and a tired, dead-eyed gaze took the place of the overly vivid one as if he had been up all night. His shirt was wrinkled, half tucked into his trousers. One side of his suspenders was down and the other was barely hanging on. Even his shoes were off. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Jim had spent the whole night in his cabin, nursing Len back to health, fretting over what could happen to him.

"Sorry," Leonard replied. He believed that Jim was telling the truth. He did feel like shit and the pain in his head was definitely evidence of hangover. The captain was pleased with his answer as he picked himself up from the ground where he had kneeled by Leonard's bed. He didn't even realise what he was doing but in a blink of an eye, Leonard reached out for Jim, grabbing his wrist. "What I am seeing, is it real?"

If misery had a face and a name, it would be Jim Kirk. With the kind of expression he was wearing, Leonard was sure that his dream was real but Jim was adamant in proving him wrong.

"That's not a question I can answer. Only you can..."

"Yeah, how about you cut the crap tell me what the hell you know about my past, Captain!"

"I don't! I don't know anything," Jim stuttered.

"Clearly, you don't," Leonard responded sarcastically, "Damn it, man! I am not stupid. I can tell when someone's bullshitting me and that's what you have been doing. That much is obvious even to a five-year-old!"

"Look," Jim began. Stopped halfway through, breathed in deeply and moved to increase the flame of the light lamp. He seemed even less healthy with all the shadows flickering on his pale face, "You are a doctor!"

"No shit, Sherlock!" Leonard growled, crossing his arms.

"Therefore," Jim tried again, acting as if Len hadn't interrupted him, "You should know how that head injuries and their respective trauma on the brain are extremely delicate."

"Is that what I have? Heavy head trauma, from the ship incident?"

"Wouldn't you say so?" Jim gestured at him, hoping that Leonard agreed with him on this matter, "You were on a ship, you had an accident that ended with you in the water, scrambled your brain and you woke up on the shore. It makes sense, doesn't it?"

"Don't give me that crap, Kirk!" McCoy hollered, jumping out of the bed. Jim flinched at his response and Leonard decided to tone down his attitude. There was no point in scaring his only friend. He reached out and cupped Jim's chin, his eyes begging for the truth.

"I... I am not," was the meek response. So unlike the Jim Kirk from his dreams, so unlike the man, he chose to follow. Something flickered behind the blue eyes as if he gave up playing to pretend and he straightened his back, "You've got to get to the answer yourself, Bones. It means nothing if I hand over them."

Leonard let out a tired sigh. He lowered his head as his fatigue caught up with him but instead of lying back down, he leaned slightly forward. There was something very important that was missing in his life. Something that made him feel complete, alive after being emotionally drained after a year of chasing lost memories. Someone that helped him remember his true self and connect with the rest of people on this ship who in returned reminded him what it meant to enjoy life not just waste his life trying to be the person he used to be. After that dream, he was almost sure that link to his forgotten humanity was Jim.

"Come on, man. I can't do this for you!" Jim pleaded with the same level of tiredness. Although it was a simple sentence, it pushed the wrong buttons in Leonard's mind. He didn't want to hear the impatient rumblings from a man Leonard trusted to keep him from falling apart. Jim was supposed to be his anchor to the reality. The one unflappable source of tolerance and support. Yet, there he was... able to grate on Leonard's every single nerve with his childish tone. Perhaps, the nightmare, the haunting image of dead blue eyes and the silent acceptance of his own demise, had affected him more than he liked to accept.

"I hate this, Jim. Everything around me feels wrong, everything but you and even then you turn out to be lying to me. What am I supposed to believe in? Huh? What in this miserable boat that is actually fucking real?"

"I am real! We both are!" Leonard's heart wasn't moved by that. He was too furious to even figure out what had happened to him.

"So you say! But, all you have done since we met is to lie to me, Jim! Oh sorry, it's an aversion from the truth, not a lie; that's what you claimed, right? Well, guess what? If what I am seeing is true then you are not even alive and this whole thing is nothing but my mind's fabrication!" As he spoke out, it became clearer to him that he meant what he was saying. The shadow of a doubt he harboured in his heart was becoming unavoidable as Jim's own face crumbled at his words. They were both breaking apart and Leonard feared that nothing could help them. Nothing other than the harsh truth but Jim refused to give in. There was nothing left but the eerie silence that claimed so many friendships. "How in seven Hell's am I supposed to trust you?"

"Because you mean the world to me!" Jim's earnest outburst was loud but his anger subsided the moment he noticed how McCoy backed away from him, shock and disbelief were written all over his face. "If I lie, Bones, it's because I have no choice. In the whole universe, you have always been the one person to welcome me in as the person that I am. The one who accepted and loved me unconditionally. Do you really think I could lie to you if it meant it would hurt you?"

Leonard wanted to disagree, to claim that what he was saying wrong, that it was a sin but he was a weak man when it came to Jim. Convincing himself with saying that he had a soft spot for him didn't quite cut it anymore, he knew what this was. The heavy throbbing of his heart and uncontrollable shaking of his legs, the undeniable urge to touch and feel his warmth... They all pointed to the same thing. Whatever he was before, a doctor, a ship surgeon, a friend, he was more to this man. He was _his_.

Of all the laws of this era, he had never imagined breaking the one unspoken controversy concerning two gentlemen. Then again, he never expected to be receiving adoration with such intensity from this young, vibrant man who could have anyone and everyone he had desired. It was widely known how immoral and sinful this was. Loving another man, allowing your masculinity to be undermined just because of _love_. But was it all so wrong? Hadn't Jim advised him to think for himself and judge the world on his own merits before criticising it over what everyone else assumed to be right? Maybe, they weren't right after all and his feelings weren't sinful. Maybe, everything he felt was meant to happen because it was right in his own heart.

When Jim leaned forward and their foreheads touched, filling Leonard with a hope he didn't know he could have, he let it happen. Allowed the familiar scents to surround him, welcoming him home. His fingers caressed the sideburns and the beard on Jim's chin, somehow softer to the touch than he imagined them to be. He chuckled softly at that but he had no energy to smile more than he had to.

After blissful moments of simply hanging on, Leonard made the first move to step away. It would be an underestimation to say that he was both extremely overwhelmed and in awe at the intensity of emotions emanating from Jim.

"Why?" he asked, unsure of what exactly he was referring to.

"Why not?" Jim replied, equally unclear on what he meant. Leonard took it as a sign that they were not ready to discuss the peculiarities of their past and future relationship. He broke apart reluctantly and retreated back into his cabin, only to have Jim follow him with every step. When the back of his knees hit the sofa, he stopped but Jim didn't. Soon, there was a gentle hand stroking the side of his neck and unfocused eyes locked on his well-trimmed beard.

"It suits you," came as a surprise to hear but Leonard accepted the compliment readily.

"Not like you've seen me without a beard. How can you even make a worthy comparison?" he quipped back. A smile grew on Jim's face, his tense features relaxing.

"You sure about that?" he asked while his offending tender fingers made their way to Leonard's lips. Another hand sneaked its way downwards, grasped the small of his back and once more he was in Jim's embrace. The feelings those simple emotions rose up in him were achingly familiar. So much so that he wondered how he could ever forget about it. But by some terrible twist of fate, if he had never been lucky enough to have felt those warm hands on him, then it was just too damn unfortunate.

"Why did I forget about you?" Leonard ended up whispering against Jim's thumb. He had decided to open his heart and hope it didn't get trampled on. It was only one of the questions which were swirling in his mind, creating tornados of confusion but it was the most important one that he needed answering. "Why you? I can point out the names of all the bones in your body, every last one of them but I failed to recall your name. I knew what I liked to eat, how badly I hated the sea but not the shade of the blue in your eyes. I keep remembering names and faces but they never belong to you."

"It's nothing personal, I hope but it hurts a bit to be forgotten. Especially right here," Jim gestured to his heart prompting Leonard to splay his palm over the broad chest. The constant beating of his heart was a soothing music and the steady rhythm was the strongest evidence of their mutual affection. "I miss you, Bones" is mumbled right into his ear with a voice slightly choking on the last word. _Bones_ , an odd but fitting name for him, he realised. _Sawbones_ were what the doctors in the military were called. Is that how he got stuck with it? Were they once part of a military organisation? That explained the explosions and the never-ending destruction he kept on dreaming about. It made sense in many aspects but also, none at all because it didn't sit right with him.

Jim, with small steps, directed them towards the bed, his breaths ghosting over Leonard's cheeks. Together they slowly sunk down. Jim didn't follow him fully, rather he assisted Leonard to get under the covers while he kneeled beside the bedframe. He had an expression of serenity which was not common with Jim Kirk as he knew him. It was just as much mesmerising and Leonard savoured every moment of it.

"You goin' to leave?" he asked sleepily.

"No, not until you are asleep."

Leonard snuggled closer to the pillow and leaned towards the captain "Don't you have a ship to take care of? I mean, there must be better things for you to do than to babysit little ol' me."

A sympathetic smile tugged the corner of his lips but his voice was stern "My crew is the best in the entire galaxy. They are more than capable of handling a ship without my input for a few hours or days. I know that because they already did that before. Besides I assure you, I am exactly where I am needed the most."

"You are making my heart flutter, kid," Leonard grumbled. Jim let out a snicker and buried his nose into the mattress. He would always prefer to have Jim laugh at his grumpiness than to make him feel unwelcome in his cabin. Instead of saying his thanks and pulling away, Leonard opted to circle his arm around the broad shoulders. Jim responded immediately with grabbing a hold of his shirt loosely. There was a question in the eyes that bore into his soul but neither dared to ask them.

Jim realised that it was all or nothing, he wouldn't leave Bones scattered mind nor his memories behind. Leonard, on the other hand, was both excited and terrified to find out about everything that he was yet to learn again; with the emphasis being on feeling terrified.

When his body finally threatened to shut down, Leonard let his arm go with an exasperated sigh and tugged at Jim's ear to let him onto the mattress properly. The sweetly smiling man drowsily got up, leaving Leonard all alone for two whole minutes when he blew out the oil lamp, removed his suspenders and came back. It was a tight fit on the single bed with two grown men but they made it work; bodies closely fitted together and lazy smiles on both their faces. This time, their closeness brought out a happy little memory in Leonard's mind, reminiscing about old times he couldn't fully recall but was certain that it involved Jim, exclusively; The slow humming of the ship engines, a peaceful room with just the two of them, a strong grip around his belly. The same breath exhaled on his naked shoulder.

A shiver passed down his spine. "Why is this happening to me? To us?" he asked dejectedly. Honestly, at this point, he didn't expect a coherent answer from anyone.

"Because space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence. And we still chose it over everything else." The familiarity of that sentence was like bathing under a warm sun.

"That makes no sense, Jim. But it doesn't sound wrong either," Leonard answered, wrapping his arms around Jim's middle. He buried his face between the pillow and Jim's neck while allowing Jim to cling to his shoulders, dragging them closer.

"Rest, Bones. Things aren't going to get easier from now on," Jim ordered and Leonard snorted at that.

"When did they ever, darlin'?" he blurted out before following on that order and slipping into a dreamless sleep with the ghosts of lips on his forehead.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is beginning of the elusive 'fluff' part which I had mentioned in my tags. It'll last longer than half a chapter I assure you!


	12. Chapter 12

The previous night was kept as a blurry collection of anger, love and serenity in Leonard's tired mind. It turned out to be mostly good in retrospect but that didn't mean the painful parts were less agonising to recall. He recalled hating Jim for a solid few minutes before regaining his senses. He could also still feel the fluttering in his chest when his dear companion had showered him with more than gentle words and coaxed him into a deep sleep. Confusion would be the thing to remember when he looked back on that night. Come next morning, on the other hand, Leonard would fare better and wake up to a soothing tune. 

Leonard opened his eyes to greet a sleep deprived sight of Jim Kirk petting his messy, brown locks as his head laid by his thigh. He could feel the cool touch of a ring as it scraped across his neck a few times. It wasn't a bad position to wake up to, Leonard thought. It was all the better since his headache didn't show any interest in returning back. The soft caressing of Jim's fingers soothed the tides of frantic confusion that threatened to engulf him as the tender humming of an old song vibrated through him, vitalizing his stagnant brain. But as with all good things, this too had to come to an end.

He stretched and yawned loudly like a giant cat, his hands touching Jim on the side and crackling of his joints audible to anyone in the vicinity of five meters, even across the thin cabin walls. He hoped his companion would resume his relaxing ministrations but instead, Jim retreated away with a final note on his lips.

"You look like shit," Len said rather elegantly. The stale taste in his mouth and his half-open eyes begged to differ but he actually had woken up feeling good about himself. And that happened two days in a row; That was a miracle by itself.

"At least I don't look like I had just woken up after a hardcore party," Jim countered back. Leonard was pleased to note the smile in his tone.

"Did you sleep at all, last night?" he asked with a more serious edge to his voice and saw Jim shrug.

"Enough. I have survived on less and before you go on to lecture me on the adverse effect of irregular sleep patterns on my health, I assure you I know."

"You are a grown man, more than capable of reaching that conclusion on your own, darlin'!"

"Oh, okay then," was the disappointed reply. Leonard entertained the thought of Jim actually wanting to hear a lecture from him and smirked triumphantly to himself before pulling his legs to a sitting position and his full body following them with regret. He might be feeling good but it didn't mean he was happy to be awake.

"I need a shower and a change of clothes," Leonard mumbled "So do you, if your look is any indication."

"Are you offering to draw and take a bath together, Bones? Because you know what my answer will be..." The light flirtation and the unconscious use of the simple epithet reminded him that last night's events had indeed occurred and the man before him was someone important to him; someone who had died but then returned to him; someone he allowed himself to forget about. 

"I still can't believe that you are for real."

"That wasn't that bad of a pickup line, was it?" Jim completely had missed Leonard's point but he didn't push it. It was better this way. His insecurities were his own and he would deal with them in good time. First, he had to get changed.

The splash of water on his face had the miraculous effect of waking him up fully and the more he observed the dark circles under Jim's eyes, the more convinced he was that Jim hadn't had a wink of sleep all night long. His tiredness was oozing from him in the form of a slight stench, limited gestures and messy hairs sticking out in all directions. A pang of guilt blossomed in his chest and he knew he couldn't let the good captain resume his duties in such a pitiful state.

"When is your next shift?"

"In half an hour or so. If you are reconsidering the bath thing, we might need to hurry up."

"You can go soak in the bath if you want but I ain't getting near you until you at least trim that beard and gain the appearance of a decent gentleman," Leonard said while combing his own hair. He decided to take the bath later on and change out of his shirt in the mean time. He wouldn't admit it but he didn't want to leave Jim before he really had to. His dear companion was silent for a moment that with his head halfway through his shirt, Leonard had to glance back at him. Jim with all his shamelessness was watching him closely.

"I guess I'll do that later. But as for the beard, I'll have to confer with my officers," he distractedly said.

"Why?" Leonard asked confused and quickly pull on a fresh shirt, suddenly feeling self-conscious about his body.

"Reasons..." Jim stammered and Leonard raised an incredulous eyebrow at him. Unbeknownst to him, Jim actually had no idea what the period appropriate cut he was meant to have. He had left those details to Chekov and Sulu and admittedly it hadn't been the best decision he had made. Especially after seeing the thin moustache cut on Scotty that Chekov had offered. After that horror, he had simply let it go and copy Leonard'ss full grown beard style. He had no choice but to lie, mostly to cover for his embarrassing incompetence and general lack of knowledge on body hair. "There is this bet going on to see who can grow their beard the best, not necessarily the longest but the most well maintained. It gets difficult to handle at certain lengths, though, you know how it is!"  

"I can't say I do, Jim but I know a thing or two about failing on that aspect," Leonard confessed, surprising Jim "When I first regained consciousness in the hospital, a year ago, I had no idea how to handle a razor blade; shaky hands, wrong or deep cuts, you name it. When I stood over a patient in the ward, I was the best but the moment I gazed at the mirror, I turned into a wreck. Guess its true what they say about doctors not being able to heal themselves because for all my prodigious achievements with the other patients, I failed at the most basics of human needs, shaving included. It was embarrassing to have Ron or one of the nurses to do that for me but eventually, I learned how to look myself in the eye again and not recoil at the sight of an odd man that criticised my uselessness."

"That was intense. I hadn't anticipated this response." Jim's mouth was left open, his words matching his dumbfounded expression.

"Sorry, guess I am not-" Leonard flushed red as Jim cut in through his apologies.

"Don't be, it's good to share."

"Yeah, I think so too" His blush wasn't disappearing anytime soon so he returned his attention to the mirror, busying his hands with combing his hair.

"You know it's going to take me awhile to go back to my cabin and get changed. Would you mind if I borrow a shirt?" Jim said easily in the awkward silence that had filled the room.

"Sure, I wouldn't want to cause you more trouble."

"Have I told you how authenticly awesome your beard is? Could you, I don't know, do mine the same way?" Leonard squinted at that but had learned to take everything coming out of Jim's mouth as a serious comment.

"You want me to trim your beard?" he asked just to be sure and Jim, honest to God, nodded happily. "By the way, you have the oddest vocabulary, kid" Leonard, unsure of whether that was the right way to proceed with their morning, stood still until Jim peaked behind his back and appeared on the mirror. He honestly seemed excited at the prospect of getting a proper shave. Leonard did not understand how this brilliant man's brain was wired.

He gestured at Jim to sit on the chair in front of the mirror while he gathered his shaving tools and placed them by the sink. Unconsciously, he had ordered them like he would his surgical equipment and he winced at the thought of having to operate on Jim. There were no fond memories to be found in that mindset so he focused on his task. It would take some time but he was capable of tidying up the soft but messy scruff on Jim's chin.

Bones' touch was hesitant but precise, just as it had been in the earlier days of their relationship, Jim realised. In those first days which weren't that far back, Jim would always make excuses to have some sort of contact with Bones where he would be more cautious and his touches would be more reserved. For a while, it had scared Jim because their skin on skin contact had been less than what it was when they were best friends. He had been afraid that It had been a sign, proving that their friendship was nowhere near to survive under the demands of a relationship. Fortunately, he had been wrong and their shaky companionship had evolved into something more solid.

Yet, those timid hands had returned. Jim didn't blame Bones for that but a small part of his was disappointed at the lack of habitual response to him, and to his touch. He had irrefutable faith in those fingers which held a sharp razor so close to his neck and he knew memory or no memory, Bones would never hurt him on purpose. If he felt fear in his bones, it was because of the primitive tools that they had to use.

The cool touch of the soap and the clean cut of the lower scruff was done in mere minutes and Jim realised a soft sigh. Leonard snorted amusedly at that, taking no offence. After a few clips of his well-aimed metal scissors and cuts over the edges and he was done. Efficient and fast. Just like how Bones always worked. Jim tried to get up but Bones sat him back down, slicking his fingers with a floral scented oil. Jim's mind wondered off to unmentionable extremes while Bones reminded ignorant, much to his dismay. Feeling Bones' large hands cradling his face while spreading the oil rose an undeniable need in him. The soft touch of the comb going through his hair and coming face to face with those expressive eyes and the eyebrows frowning in concentration were not helping him either.

"Finished," Leonard exclaimed as he stepped away to wonder at his craft. Jim's insanely thick eyebrows excluded, he had done everything in his power to shape the wild hair. It had been a pleasure to sink his hands in between Jim's dirty blond locks and feel his small shivers at the tip of his fingertips. 

"Thank you, doctor," Jim replied after examining his new look in the mirror with a contented hum. There was a sadness in his tone and Leonard was sceptical whether he really liked the end result but he didn't question it.

"Should I be worried that your first officer is going to barge in any time now?"

"No, but I should probably make my way back to the Bridge. Spock doesn't like it when I'm late for my shift."

"He is a stick in the mud, that one," Leonard chipped in, earning a genuine laugh from Jim. He swallowed thickly and straightened his back, "So, you don't have time left to grab breakfast and coffee?"

"Are you asking me out on a date, McCoy?" Jim teased as he tugged his shirt in his trousers and reattached his suspenders, all the while Leonard blushed like a damned teenager and refused to send a glance Jim's way.

"No. Yes, I mean it's just breakfast, man," he replied flustered. He expected Jim to continue his teasing but there was none of that. Instead, he stood with crossed arms and a crooked neck. He was more sombre than Leonard had ever seen him.

"I'd love to but duty beckons."

"You should have woken me earlier, Jim. Did you even get a wink of sleep last night? Don't sugarcoat it this time!" Leonard sighed and by the guilty look on Jim's face, the answer was obvious.

"No, but it was worth it. I couldn't risk your condition relapsing and not notice it. Thankfully, it didn't."

The following smile was divine, melting some of Leonard's despair away and the sudden tightness in his chest was a surprise, but it really shouldn't have been. This man who gazed at him with undivided attention, whose smile could lift his spirits in a millisecond, he was truly a defining part of Leonard's past. There was no mistaking it now, not after last night.

"Sorry, it's my fault," Leonard found himself apologising again "Making you worry about my own damn problems while you have a whole ship of people to take care of..."

"No, no," Jim interrupted hurriedly, then a mischievous shine appeared in his eyes, "but if you say you can't survive with this guilt, then there is a way to make it up to me." Leonard really had a bad feeling about this, even though he had practically walked right into that one.

"Oh, yeah?" he raised his eyebrow, scowling.

"Yeah, just a tiny itsy bitsy thing," Jim said approaching him with a predatory gaze, "I promise you, it will not take a second of your time."

"Go ahead, then," McCoy encouraged, already knowing what to expect. He leaned in closer to Jim and to his credit, Jim's smirk dimmed, his lips slightly parting to take in a small breath as his eyes shone with love and adoration. It was unlike any look Leonard had received from anyone and it filled him with an unbearable delight, likes of which he never considered feeling before.

An unspoken question lingered into the tiny breadth between them. Jim took the initiative and placed a tentative hand on Leonard's stiff shoulder. "We are all a tad bit different, and not necessarily all bad, Bones" he whispered, trying to ease Leonard's worries. Having already reached to the desired solution, Leonard, in return, decided to to take over the reins and grabbed Jim's suspenders, pulling him in. Then, those sinful lips were on his and all the questions were left to be forgotten. 

His hand travelled upwards to grasp Jim's short hair, while strong arms, determined to meld them into one, enveloped him fiercely. Teeth clicking and breaths coming up short, the frantic motion of lips against lips overthrew Leonard's intention of giving a chaste kiss for an apology but he welcomed the familiar warmth with ease. He stroked the soft scruff on Jim's neck, his back arching to fit into the curve of Jim's body. One of them let out a shaky moan and one hand dropped lower while the other rose up on his back, both caressing skin with each gasp.

Leonard's mouth hurt from the friction burn but he wasn't about to complain. He spared a few glances during the in between moments of getting air, where he saw that Jim's lips had taken a darker shade of red, a fact he was glad to notice. He did what any good doctor would do in his place and kissed them better with gentle touches. Jim giggled at that and it wasn't in him to scowl after hearing such a beautiful sound.

"I missed your everything, Bones," was the first spoken sentence when they dared to break apart, "Your scent, your touch but especially your smile"

"Is that, right? Did I smile a lot before?" Jim snorted at the innocent question.

"No way. It was a challenge to get you to smile. It was rare but totally worth it." The captain sounded amused, but to Leonard, it brought about a whole new set of questions; ranging between but not limited to, what made him be so miserable and why wasn't Jim's presence enough to get rid of that misery? He was generally a cynic but not a complete despondent sod, not when he was surrounded by people he liked. These were important for him to know, he realised as his faltering gaze found and held Jim's because if he had unhappy memories, then he didn't want them. He would be more than glad to continue on without the needless despair.

As if hearing his inner monologue, Jim spoke up again. This time, he sounded wistful. "Don't tell the others but you always had a reserved smile for rainy days. Sometimes it was hidden behind a bourbon glass and other times, more rarely, it was open-hearted and carefree. That's what made it so special though because it was always real, never faked and never forced out of kindness. You were honesty when everyone around me was either a lie or gone before they could keep their promises."

"If you are telling this to me so I am not terrified of my own damn past, then too late, Jimmy," Leonard whimpered and Jim surged forward, borrowing closer and urging Leonard to nuzzle into the hollow of his neck.

"Don't be afraid, Bones. Once you get yourself back together you too will see that it's worth it."

"I'll trust you on that, Kirk," he replied but doubt lingered in his mind. Jim, the perceptive man that he was, recognised it easily.

"Tell you what, you go draw yourself a good, relaxing bath and take a nap. Get your thoughts in order. Then we'll meet up for dinner and you can ask me anything you want."

Leonard frowned but nodded, suddenly feeling like a child in Jim's arms "You seem like you need the bath and the sleep more than I do, kid," he countered and the impish glint returned to Jim's gaze. He really didn't need much poking, figuratively, to bring forth his flirtatious side.

"Is that an invitation, Bones?" Jim parroted his earlier line.

 _It would have been if not for your required presence in the Bridge_ , Leonard wanted to say but he hadn't earned that kind of a privilege. Instead, he patted the blond hair affectionately and backed away "There was something about a change of clothes, you had mentioned?"

"Oh, Bones, if I strip down now I am not putting anything on anything until after a few hours." Leonard managed to catch the meaning behind his words quickly enough and albeit begrudgingly he shook his head, fighting off a smile. Jim wiggling his eyebrows did not help his case.

"Get going before I have to kick you out of here, you damn kid! I am not witnessing you being dragged away by your own officers, either. Not today!" Leonard pushed the captain towards the door. He would follow the suggestions but that didn't mean he wouldn't complain while doing them. They would have time to discuss things thoroughly later on.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Jim Kirk is still bitter about losing Pike (as am I). Not enraged anymore but hasn't forgiven himself over that particular loss
> 
> The next update is going to be awhile because I need to finish up the first draft first. Thank you for your patience!


	13. Chapter 13

It turns out they didn't have that much time.

Jim reread the official report Spock had presented him and felt the vein on his forehead popping. His hands clutched the poor paper with all his force, moments away from shredding it to a million pieces.

Uhura was standing with both hands punched into fists, barely holding herself together and if not for Spock's timid but solid presence by her side, she probably would have lost her temper long ago.  The only person who didn't look like he was going to rip something apart was Scotty, who was far too depressed to feel further disappointments or anger. And, this was not an improvement.

"There isn't another option, Captain," he said without his usual enthusiasm and crossed his arms across his chest, hunching over. He figured that the smaller he made himself, the less he was affected by the blazing orb of anger that was Kirk. It wasn't very effective. " The colonials handed us a set of coordinates to find during the last comm we managed to establish with the outside world. Apparently, the systems are overheating with an exponential speed. We have to take the shortest route if we are to make it to these coordinates in time. If we don't reach there, the transmission will be cut off and then we're all stuck in here."

"We had time!" Kirk roared, his face red with anger and even Uhura flinched in surprise, "We had ten days to get to the far end of this fucking ocean, and now you are telling me only two days are left before we are all toast? What the hell, Scotty? Spock?"

"I am afraid, Mr Scott is correct, Captain. The only point of transmission that can teleport all our physical bodies is this one. The transmission gate, as the colonists have called it, will be opened in these coordinates in exactly fifty point two hours. If we reach there in time, we can be transported back to our reality and leave the reanimation device intact."

"With the simulation and the system failing rapidly, we are lucky that there is a point of transmission available, at all" Uhura commented and she was right, though Jim wasn't happy about it.

"At least, we had sent Sulu and Chekov back when we had found the previous transmission point. If all else fails, the rest of the Enterprise will be safe." Jim said and dropped down on the chair behind him. "Damn it! How are we going to get out of this one?"

"I have some suggestions to improve our chances of survival, mainly by means of decreasing the ship's load and increasing our speed, Captain."

"We should go over them, then, Mr Spock. In the meantime, we keep McCoy busy. Uhura, get Chapel and Scotty to take turns on watching over him."

"We will need Mr Scott in the engine room once the calculations are done, Captain."

"I know that, Spock, but until then he believes he has amends to make. Right?"

"Aye, Captain" Scotty nodded and Jim continued his talk.

"If this is the end then we are not going to take that chance away from you, Scotty."

"Captain" Spock started with what Jim considered a startled voice, despite being only slightly higher pitched than the Vulcan's regular tone. "This is not the end. There is approximately 72% chance that we will make it through in time if we can make the necessary improvements."

"Thank you for saying that," Jim whispered and nodded at his friend.

"Of course, whatever becomes of Dr McCoy is not-"

"Don't finish that sentence, Spock. He'll be fine. Now, let's get to work"

*

Leonard had more questions than he liked to have. His only source of answers, unfortunately, was currently indisposed with his job which was to keep the damned boat afloat and on its correct course.

That, of course, did not stop him from speculating with own miserable self. He had followed the Captain's suggestions to the letter and eventually found himself in the library in the afternoon, surrounded by the scents old books and antiques that he was sure Jim would be very fond of. In the light of the information he had procured from the librarian crewman, he set out to hunt down a rather elusive logbook which could have contained some information about Jim Kirk and his crew. Despite the disadvantages he faced due to an absence of crucial details, like the Jim's ship's name, he trusted his gut to figure it out. He also, took what Jim had mentioned to him with a grain of salt since he was almost certain there were lots of lies laced within half truths. Which parts held truth and which did not would pose a challenge to distinguish but his last year had been nothing but different versions of a mess of challenges. He knew how to brace himself against the hardship and come out on the winning side.

What little he found in the dusty part of the small library was mainly propaganda about praising the ships and their associated companies. There was a very limited information regarding the actual ship captains and the crew.

After the first ten minutes, he shed his blazer and loosened his tie. After an hour, he unbuttoned his vest and his collar. There were a few objections raising from the older people around him but he paid them no mind. He was a man on a mission.

In the second hour, he acquired a glass of bourbon even though the librarian shot him with a fatal glare which he reciprocated just as fiercely. Come by the third hour, he had succumbed to failure, unable to find a single note or a reference on the youngest ever to captain a ship nor his associates. No pictures, no praising of the new graduates or newspaper clippings on their new voyages. As if they have never set sail before. Even his memories drew a blank, not tingling with any new moments from past.

He should have known that this was a waste of time. Sure there were plenty of certificates, records and praising of the ship, S.S. Catalonia to go around. The company was very adamant in reminding their _intellectual_ passengers what a wonderful and trustworthy ship they were on. The self-advertisement was bordering on obnoxious. Hell, he even had come across the old crew photograph with the janitor, Mr Jenkins on the background of it. Yet, there was no sign of Jim or his crew. Without these details, Leonard had no way of neither confirming nor denying what Jim had sort of confessed and his malfunctioning brain. Both which proved to be useless.

At the end of the third hour, he properly gave up and left the library with a scoff, all the while wishing for a faster, easier and all around more efficient way to access required information. It was time almost for the dinner so he decided to put his research on hold for the sake of his grumbling stomach.

Jim had given his word to meet up by dinner time but he was yet to show up. At their usual table, Leonard waited for the captain to appear while engaging in random conversations with the faces he was beginning to remember more and more. The beautiful blonde widower, Christine (no longer Madam Chapel to him) remained the only one to entertain him with bouncing off theories and ideas concerning catastrophic diseases and their potential cures between them. The rest of the table was most displeased with the way they openly engaged in such an unholy conversation, and even more so, in the presence of a lady, and it showed on their distorted faces. Yet, somehow they did not stop eavesdropping on the two of them, much to Leonard's amusement.

It was late into the night when their drinks run dry, the music stopped and Christine stifled a yawn that McCoy gave up waiting for the captain. Albeit hesitantly he decided to retreat to his cabin after dropping Christine at her door as a proper southern gentleman that he was.

It was just his luck to run into the first officer with the weird bowl cut hair, on his way to his cabin. A curt nod was all he could muster, in his hurry to leave the vicinity and get away from the weird man and his overly excited friend. He really did not want to get involved in whatever they seemed to be arguing about especially after the shorter one of the two had gone completely silent at the sight of Leonard's scoff.

Spock, damn him, wasn't as courteous as he lifted a lean finger to beckon Leonard towards them. The man beside him visibly flinched and slowly positioned himself to have Spock between him and Leonard. He would have lifted an eyebrow at him, had he really cared.

"Dr McCoy," Spock greeted him as if they had been expecting him. He then pointed at the fellow who was busy trying to shrink out of existence, "This is our chief engineer, Mr Montgomery Scott."

"Leonard McCoy," he introduced himself to the engineer out of politeness and extended a hand. The handshake was as reluctant as the look he threw towards Leonard from his small, fidgety eyes.

"Call me Scotty, doctor. How're ye doin'?" was the timid response, accompanied by a small smile. The heavy Scottish accent was evident in that short sentence and it was all he needed to recall Jim mentioning him before.

Regardless of the man's obvious displeasure over meeting him, Montgomery Scott radiated a trustworthy aura which in hindsight was very confusing for Leonard. This short man with a bushy red beard and shaky hands somehow screamed safety at him. But, clearly, he didn't feel the same way about Leonard. In order to avoid any awkwardness between them, he opted to answer kindly and be on his merry way. Of course, Spock didn't let him do that.

"Doctor, would you mind examining Mr Scott? He appears to have acquired a shoulder injury in the lower deck."

Leonard's doctor instincts kicked in at the request and he readily offered his services, at the expense of Mr Scott's half terrified, half pleading face.

Spock ignored his fellow officer with a nonchalant expression and motioned them towards the corridor in which the infirmary was located.

"Is it not a problem for me to be in the sickbay?" he questioned because he really did not want to get into trouble over a misunderstanding of sorts.

"The sickbay is open to anyone who requires its services and you are a doctor who is more than qualified to utilise its facilities" Spock's answer was somewhat flattering. Leonard wasn't going to let it go to his head.

"How did it happen?" Leonard inquired as he stepped into the small room. The infirmary was consisting of two beds and a couple of cabinets full of medical supplies. It was a fairly basic set up which was not satisfactory to what Leonard had gotten accustomed to in his previous clinic.

"I am certain, Mr Scott will explain it better himself" Spock interjected even though Leonard had already directed the question to the injured man, to begin with. He then proceeded to leave the room to which the Scotsman responded by sending a mean glare at Spock's retreating back.

"Aye, Commander"

"So, Mr Scott," Leonard gestured at the bed as the Scotsman moved to sit on it. The thin legged bed creaked in protest, giving him a scare but it held up under his weight. "Should I repeat my question or are you feeling comfortable enough to answer me yet?"

"Oh, I..." he started but his voice trailed off, his eyes focusing intently on a spot on the floor. A shy customer, Leonard mused but refrained from smiling. Professionalism was all he had in the absence of everything else. He waited patiently for Mr Scott to gather his thoughts as he busied himself with checking the medical supplies and making mental notes of what was stocked in the cabinets. By the time he finished his round and returned to the bed, his patient had become even less enthusiastic than before and Leonard even dared to think him as a melancholic man.

"It's alright, Mr Scott. I may not be the ship's official physician but I am a doctor and everything you say is confidential. You have my word."

"'Tis not that I don't trust ye, doctor. Just a wee bit of a fall. No big deal!" At last, some real words, Leonard rejoiced. Even if they were not full sentences, it was a good start.

"Why don't you  remove your jacket and shirt and let me be the judge of it?" When the man did nothing but fidget on his spot Leonard called him by the nickname he had offered to get his attention. "Scotty, please?"

Startled, the Scotsman quickly shed his frock coat, being mindful of his left shoulder. Leonard turned around to give the man some privacy and acquired some bandages and a variety of creams for sore muscles.

Scotty's gaze was everywhere but on Leonard once the doctor got his attention on the bruised shoulder. The man had an impressive amount of chest hair that matched the beard he sported. Leonard was almost jealous but as a doctor, his feelings were overshadowed by the horrible sight of the skin on the bare shoulder. The predominant purple and green colouring around the neck and shoulder joint suggested that the injury had occurred a few days ago at least. There was also extensive redness around the injured skin, as well as some discolouration on the biceps.

Leonard broke his intense gaze from the shoulder and redirected it towards the engineer. "Why in Heaven's name, have you not gotten it checked, man? The joint might have been-been dislocated if this sight is anything to go by!"

"It hadn't!" Scotty defended himself feebly, "Just some unexpected turbulence knocked me out of balance! Don't even hurt!"

Leonard squinted his eyes at him in suspicion but it sounded like there was no lie in his words. Despite, this, he checked Scotty's claim by gently jabbing his finger onto the purple circle. Scotty jumped backwards in betrayal. "Oi!"

"Not hurting, hm?" Leonard taunted, causing Scotty to sulk. "Look, whatever your reason may be for keeping the cause of this injury to yourself, know this; I don't care. Currently, you are my patient and it's my responsibility to treat you, Mr Scott. So, be honest with me or I might have to resort to less than ideal methods of dealing with you."

"Aye, doctor" he responded after swallowing heavily, "In truth, I blacked out, ye see. One of the laddies found me and I had to plead with the Commander to keep it a secret from the Captain. The young lad is good at what he does but he's under a lot of stress. I didn't mean to cause a stooshie. Commander Spock agreed. He said it was overexertion and ordered me to bed rest. And, that was it."

"I am guessing he just found out about the extent of the injury himself." Leonard thought out loud and began spreading a creamy muscle relaxant on the bruisings. Scotty nodded with pursed lips. "You should have visited the appointed physician earlier. Is there one around here?"

"Not anymore, no. We lost him a fair time ago."

"How on earth did this ship set sail without a surgeon?" Leonard asked incredulously.

"We'd no choice. No time..."

"Scotty, am I meant to be the surgeon of this ship?" At his question, Scotty lifted his gaze up in awe and met with Leonard's determined ones. Right then, with that simple gesture, Leonard had gotten an answer. It made the most sense when he thought about it all. "I am fairly certain that I belonged to a ship crew and I am a damned good doctor. I worked with Jim and no matter what Jim claims, I know that I recognised Spock before actually meeting him. There is also the fact that, S.S. Catalonia had been sidelined for the past year in which I had no memory of my life prior to. There are no mentions of any of the new crewmen, other than Jenkins, nor any pictures abroad the ship. So, correct me if I am wrong but I believe, I am your appointed ship surgeon, aren't I?"

Like a rabbit caught in headlights, Scotty's eyes widened, eyebrows shooting up towards his hairline. There was a brief moment of silence as he contemplated on his response as Leonard patiently waited while resuming his duties. The engineer mumbled something under his breath, words laced heavy with his accent. There was no way, Leonard could even begin to decipher that.

"What's that now?" he asked instead, leaning back and locking eyes with the man. The sad, guilt-ridden face was all too similar to the expression Jim wore when he thought Len wasn't looking.

"M'sorry, doctor"

Leonard was taken aback because of the sudden apology. He crossed his arms demanding a proper answer for a change. "For what?"

"Everything"  That wasn't proper, let alone acceptable.

"I am afraid you are going to have to be a bit more specific, Chief Engineer. You see, my quota for horseshit has reached full capacity. So, fess up before I procure a needle to use on you!" He was being too harsh on the poor man, he knew but if Jim wasn't willing to give him the answers then maybe it was time to change tactics. What books couldn't say, people would. Some of his crew were bound to crack after all.

Scotty took a deep breath and Leonard knew that he had won. He beckoned the man to continue and of course, it was just then that everything decided to go to shit.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! I think I got most of the ending so more or less I should be able to resume regular updates. Enjoy!


	14. Chapter 14

The lights in the infirmary flickered and that was the first sign of trouble if Leonard ever saw one. It was followed by a tremor which escalated rather quickly. The ship shook with a force that threw Leonard into the nearest cabinet and his elbow connected with the glass, breaking it into little pieces. His skin was protected by the many layers he was wearing but there was no saving the elbow of the coat which got caught up on the sharp edges as Leonard pulled his arm out of the glass.

The tools which he laid out, along with Scotty who had been perched atop the squeaky bed were sent flying down to the floor. It was by sheer luck that he hadn't ended up face first on the broken glass pieces on the ground, and avoided them by a few millimetres. A shower of smaller pieces was unavoidable as Leonard freed himself fully from the cabinet window and leaned down to help Scotty up in hurry.

A second quake sent them both down on the ground. Unable to escape in time, some shards cut the side of his right hand, sending a bolt of pain through his arm. Scotty, bless his lil' Scottish heart, dragged him away as a third shake unbalanced the smaller cabinet, rescuing Leonard from getting squished under it. He nodded his thanks at him as he picked himself up and grabbed a bandage to wrap his hand with later.

The lights went crazy enough to hurt Leonard's eyes under their insistent flickering. "What the hell is going on?" he yelled as he pushed open the door. Being bulkier and taller than Scotty, Leonard was able to bodily lift him and walk to the door together. The cabinet doors rattled and a few more tools fell down behind him. He paid them no mind. By the time the next round shook the ship, they were out of the sickbay and still standing.

It was no better out in the hallway as the ship swayed dangerously from one side to the next, messing up with their balance with each tremble. On top of that, the distinguishable sound of a screaming man echoed in the hall. Leonard could do nothing but swallow hard at that and cling harder to Scotty's back. Holding on to each other didn't help them as the sway the ship threw them off balance and Leonard's head connected heavily with the wall. His vision blacked out for a moment and it was enough to slip down from Scotty's grasp.

"This isn't supposed to happen. Not yet!" Scotty yelled in panic. His voice was almost lost to the ringing in his head, but somehow Leonard managed to comprehend his words. Even if he didn't like them one bit.

If the Chief Engineer of his ship was scared, then there was no hope left for anyone on board, he thought darkly. What's worse was that the urge for him to go down the hall and find people to help, while he laid half-unconscious. _Physician, heal thyself!_ The sentence was repeated in his mind by a voice he recognised to be Jim's and somehow he found the strength to pick himself up.

Soon after getting back on his feet he understood the origin of Scotty's fear. The hit behind his head was strong enough to cause some bleeding which was dripping along his neck. He passed his fingers over the back of his head to discover a slight tear of skin due to friction. He was glad to realise that it was by no means a serious wound. Checking out the flesh wound had  resulted in smearing the blood across his shirt's collar and although he was fine with it, Scotty was not. The already pale man had gone even paler and the low light did nothing to improve his complexion.

"So, this is the end?" he whispered with a grim tone. Thankfully, it was enough to wake Scotty from his paralysis by his side and prompt him into action. A moment too soon, he was being dragged away by the arm and he trusted the crewman to know where to go in the moment of panic.

They walked by a couple of cabins before stumbling upon a completely dark hallway. No lights, no lamps, not a single motion detectable from the darkness. Even the hallway itself seemed as if it had no edges and no end so much so that Leonard felt the pull of the ground as a wave of panic hit him hard at the sight of nothingness. It was everything he was afraid of appearing before him at once. Vertigo demanded to claim him as his knees threatened to buckle under him. Unable to trust his own vision nor his sanity, Leonard grasped at Scotty's shoulder, feeling the warm skin under his fingertips. It was nothing like Jim's engulfing warmth but it was enough of an anchor to keep him grounded.

Maybe it was the hit to the head or maybe his exhaustion was finally catching up to him despite having rested for a few nights in a row, but in a blink of an eye, the oil lamps on each side of the hall began to be lit and the hallway was whole again.

"What do we do?" he asked calmly, chalking it up as mere trauma based hallucinations. He didn't bother to find out whether Scotty had witnessed it as well.

"We get to bridge, doctor. Jim will want to see us both safe"

"Alright, quickly then. This ship is giving me the creeps"

To his surprise, Scotty agreed "Aye, me too."

They moved quicker, both in no mental state to stop and think about what they've just seen. They crossed hallways that looked alike, passed by locked and unmarked cabin doors and all the while, the lights were lit at a minimum, just enough to see the direction they were moving in. Their combined effort to avoid any dark areas assisted them in their endeavour but it wasn't enough to ease either of them as soon enough both Leonard and Scotty became aware of a single, most bewildering thought; that they were alone.

"Scotty, please tell me you are not getting the feeling that we had just walked in this corridor a second time!" Leonard said and scooted closer to his equally puzzled companion.

"I was gonna say, a third time actually, doctor"

"Oh God..." he whimpered and heard Scotty agreeing to his sentiments. "Is it just me or do the shadows look more menacing than usual?"

"We ought to get on the deck" The Scotsman declared but did not attempt to supply how they were going to achieve that. "Or the bridge, or somewhere with open space."

"Good idea! How are we going to do that?" Leonard snapped, causing Scotty to sent a glare at him. Despite this, Leonard could almost see the wheels turning in his head, formulating a plan of action.

"Right," he started and Leonard pricked up his ears in hope "I've not a single clue!"

"Scotty, man...."

"But, I know that we need to get upstairs. Therefore, we need stairs"

"No shit!" Leonard growled and moved towards the closest cabin door, shaking the knob hard enough to displace it. It wasn't exactly solid built but it held up. Next, he knocked on the door, calling out to the cabin's owners. No one replied.

A gentle tap on his shoulder scared him but it was only Scotty who stood there with a determined look in his eyes that halted Leonard's hand on the door knob.

"Ye're not listening, doctor. We need stairs!"

"Or help. From others!" Leonard supplied as he gestured at the cabin and the people that could be inside. Scotty's eyes shifted from his face to his hand, clearly trying to piece together whatever idea he had but was unable to voice it properly.

"Close yer eyes. I know it's too much to ask but trust me this once, again" Scotty pleaded as Leonard stared at him as if he grew a second head. "And think stairs!"

"What? Why? How is this going to help?"

"Just do it!" The yell was surprising enough to get Leonard to comply with his request. He spared another glance around the constantly darkening hallway and took Scotty's offered hand as his eyelids shut down. Scotty guided him through the darkness while whispering their targets at him. Not long after, the images of the ship's previous state began forming in his mind.

"You are doing good, doctor. Now imagine the final bit of the corridor where the spiral stairs connect the lower cabins to the upper saloon. There is dim sunlight coming in through the ship windows and the blue of the sea can be barely made out. The dawn is breaking and we are sailing safe and sound towards a new day!"

Leonard felt calm as he listened to the soft words and his feet, slowly and guided by Scotty, took him through the dark halls. His feet hit the bottom of the stairs and as per Scotty's commands, he kept his eyes closed. Climbing the steps one by one, following only the Scotsman's shaky directions was harder than he assumed and he tripped a few times before he heard a contented sigh from beside him.

"What in seven blazes is happening now?"

It would be an underestimation to say that he was surprised to feel the heat of a sunlight hitting on his face as they walked even though he was sure it just had been a little past midnight. A whiff of the salty ocean breeze urged him to reopen his eyes, only to find himself standing in the forecastle of the steamship. On this forefront part the anchor as well as the thick ropes and poles that supported the sails were located. It was an unusual location for him to be on as a passenger since it was restricted to the personal only. Yet, it provided him with a captivating scene that could only be topped by a sight from the crow's nest. The ocean, in its endless glory, was extending before the ship, its waves having been split by the jarring speed with which they were sailing. The blinding glare across its blue surface proving both a comfort and confusion for Leonard.

"The captain's in the quarterdeck. He'll be by yer side in a moment, doctor" Scotty said from somewhere behind. He had a million questions and how the hell Jim would know where they were was not on the top of his list.

"You never answered me, you know." He asked hastily before Jim appeared and took away his chance of finding out the truth the easy way.

"Ye asked a lot of questions, laddie." Scotty began cheekily but cut himself off before continuing. His face wasn't as expressive as Jim's but it was close enough that Leonard was certain of the underlying pain behind those haunted eyes.

"Talk to me, Scotty" he pleaded softly as the breeze picked up and sent shivers down his spine. He ignored to cold morning air and focused on the hesitant man.

"Have you ever looked around, doctor? Like not just a wee bit but really observed your surroundings?"

"Wha-?"

"The ocean, the sky, the people? What'cha think of them?" Scotty asked with a serious tone.

"They are okay, I guess" he answered, wondering how he ended up on the other end of the questioning.

"Are ye sure about that?"

"What are you getting at, man?" Scotty's sketchy hands were in his pockets, an obvious gesture of hiding something. Or perhaps, it was a sign of nervousness. Leonard couldn't tell but he was anxious to get to the end of this conversation.

 "What you just saw, doctor. The sharp edges of this world getting erased, the world reshaping itself... It was both real and not because I saw it, too."

"Mr Scott, are you hearing yourself? This kind of talk, it's a sure way of getting yourself locked up in an asylum."

"Think doctor. 'm the one who's mad or maybe it's this world?" A fleeting memory flashed before his eyes; a forest filled with red trees, a figure in ill-fitting robes running in front of him, a rain of spears whooshing past him. It was the world he had been in but not one he had seen before.

 _Wrong_ said a tiny voice in his head. _That ain't our world!_

He stood in a dark pathway, with no ground, no ceiling, no life in it. It was nothingness who had returned to claim him, take him back home. No, not home; To take him somewhere new, away from his home. The darkness was consuming, just like the one back in the hallway which threatened to disappear right under him, drag him into the unknown without his consent.

Leonard found himself sliding down, his back pressed against the railings and his sight filled with absolute horror. What had happened was finally dawning on him after taking its sweet time. It must have been real. The ship being taken over by a non-existing storm. The walls disappearing like he was in a nightmare. The screams of people who weren't there. The empty hallways filled with horror that couldn't be seen.

He was out in the sun now, but there wasn't even a sun shining a moment ago, was there?

The rapid beating of his heart in his chest was the only thing that kept Leonard from folding in and losing his mind completely. There were so many wrongs he had encountered since he had boarded this ship, that he didn't even know where to begin to unravel what was truly happening. All the mystery, all the secrecy around him; before it felt like a sure way to unlock his hidden memories but now, it was driving him up the walls. His world was spiralling downwards, he knew it and there was nothing he could do about it.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a bit more trouble as well as more Scotty and Bones. Because I like them very much. Although, my Microsoft word absolutely hates Scotty's speech pattern.


	15. Chapter 15

"Scotty! Bones! You alright?" Jim yelled while coming out to the deck. His face was flushed pink with the exertion of running up the stairs. His hair and clothing were a mess but he didn't give a damn about them as he ran a hand through his beard, while cracking the joints in his jaw.

Bones gave a sharp nod, stating he was fine and Scotty stopped Jim by his arm before he could make his way towards him. "Jim, hold on"

"What the hell, Scotty? Chronometers are showing seven hundred hours. We just lost six solid hours in under five minutes."

"Aye, Jim. I know but it had to be done. The whole bloody ship was on the line. Ye must have heard the screams and the ship shaking like we're in the middle of a storm, yes?"

"Yes, we felt it but Spock wasn't able to pinpoint the exact location nor the reason for it. Do you know what happened?" Jim asked in hushed tones. His mind was still hazy from the sudden temporal change. Understanding Scotty was proving to be a difficult task when he had no idea what he was getting at.

"Well," his engineer started, a little distracted, "I guess, the doctor is connected to the simulation more than any of us thought. He was questioning his real background. You know, us, the Enterprise and all that lot. The moment he started, so did the tremors! Then he was panicking, and the ship was throwing us around like a couple of ragdolls! You should have seen it, Jim. The ship almost ceased to exist; I thought it's was gonna erase itself from existence for a moment there!"

"What do you mean; erasing its existence? What happened to you?" Jim spared a glance towards Bones, who had sat down, leaning his back to the edge of the railings. His head was on his knees; defeated and far too still. Jim's hand went into his pocket, grabbing a hypospray filled with a mild sedative. It was with him for a just in case situation but as the moments passed and the only movement from Leonard was the trembling of his shoulders, Jim feared that it was the necessary moment after all.

Scotty continued, unfazed by Jim's divided attention. "It must be all related to each other; an algorithm that connects McCoy's consciousness to his personal simulation. A trigger to cause the simulation to shift its course and readjust to provide the necessary combination in order to-"

"Maximize the positive response?"

"Yes, exactly! And as we know anything related to space is-"

"A cause for stress for Bones. So what, in the last year every time he came close to remembering us, the time skipped forward to a moment when he didn't have to think about it and thus remain unstressed?"

"I suppose so, that'd explain why he didn't remember much. I mean how do the colonials keep a track of what's happening to McCoy, Jim? I think, he is able to send distress signals out to the colonials and them in return readjust the timeline to reach a point where there is no more cause for stress. He is the key part in their experiment so the experiment's parameters are automatically readjusted to suit his needs!"

"How does knowing that help us?" Jim asked, confused, "Because, we are still at the same location as six hours ago and helluva late for our next checkpoint!"

"No idea. Thought it was worth sharing?"

"Appreciate the devotion to science, Scotty but we need to focus on increasing our speed and reaching that damned location."

"It's more than that, Jim. I think the overloading of the reanimation machine is capable of effecting McCoy, too in return. They're pushing each others' wrong buttons, so to speak."

A hopeless whine escaped Jim's lips. The situation was getting worse, literally by the minute. "Okey, we'll deal with that, as soon as we make something right." He released a breath he had been holding, "By the way, were you able to talk to Bones about, you know..." From the guilty head shake, Jim  got that the answer was no. He didn't blame the man for chickening out on talking to Bones but he also didn't have enough time left to give to Scotty for making amends. Apologetically he patted his frowning friend on the shoulder. Jim knew he had been given far too many optimistic remarks for such a bleak situation they were in but it didn't stop him from saying, "No worries. We'll have time later on. Why don't you go, find Mr Spock and help him with his improvements to the steam engine?"

"Aye, Captain" Scotty answered, head still bowed down while worrying his lower lip. "He's very shaken. It must've been a shock to face and don't understand what he had seen."

"It must have been" Jim agreed and allowed Scotty to go after another pat on the back. He approached, very carefully to Bones who hadn't moved a single muscle the entire time he was speaking to Scotty.

*

"Are you here to explain how it was night and then suddenly it's daytime?" Jim heard the mumbled voice and squatted down, next to Bones by the railings. The state of the man was heartbreaking, once impeccable hair messed up and sticking out on all ends, dried blood covering the back of his neck and some running freely down his hand. Jim swallowed hard, trying very hard not to attend to Bones' injuries no matter how small they were and focusing on keeping his sanity intact first.

"I'm afraid, I don't know the answer to that. My science and engineering officers are working on that, though, so you can rest assure they'll come up with an answer." he lied easily. 

"I'm sure they will" was the small voice he heard.

Jim took a deep breath, facing the sky and put an arm around Bones' slouched shoulders. He felt the slight tremor in them as Bones scooted closer to him and blindly reached out a hand. Jim was quick to grasp it with his free hand while the other one enveloped Bones in a tighter hug, his finger settling on the back of his neck. He tried his damnest to ignore the clotted blood on his collar.

"Whatever that was, don't let it happen again, please"

"I won't Bones, I won't" Jim whispered and cooed, "Come here". He didn't have to see Leonard's face to know the fear written in his eyes. He tucked him under his chin, his lips grazing the soft brown hair, breaths exhaled in a shivering mess on his neck. Jim caressed the tense shoulders, then his hand continued downwards to move up and down on Bones' arm.

Bones' bulky body was somehow fitted around him easily; his lean legs were half tucked under his knees and the normally steady fingers clutched his white shirt desperately.

"Am I dreaming?" Leonard asked and Jim stopped his gestures. They had this conversation many times before but it turns out he hadn't been able to convince Leonard after all.

"No, Bones, you are not. This is as real as it gets" he replied, _considering the circumstances_ he thought "Gimme your hand so I can take a look at the cut and make you feel better, alright?"

Albeit reluctantly, Bones extended his bleeding hand. He squirmed a little, not wanting to leave Jim's embrace but needing to be of use. Jim smiled sadly at that and accepted the gauze and bandage Bones had lent him along with his hand.

Jim worked fast and efficiently, recalling the basic medical training he had had in the academy and what Bones had tried to teach him during their away missions. Cleaning the blood away with his handkerchief, he did his best to ignore the flinches and the low grumbling coming from Bones and diligently, he placed and wrapped up the gauze and the bandage around the lean fingers. Once the whole hand and wrist were covered up he tucked the two sides of the bandage together.

"That's a really shitty dressing of a wound" Bones remarked with a light tone.

Jim scoffed in return, "Well, doctor, heal thyself because this captain is fresh out ideas to fix you up. Come on, now. Lean forward so I can check that stubborn head of yours"

Bones obeyed without a fuss and buried his face in Jim's shoulder while he had a good look at the small graze on the back of Bones' neck. The wound was superficial at best and Jim could let out a relieved sigh at that. He cleaned up the dried blood as best as he can with his now pink handkerchief but it was impossible to get it done properly without some rubbing alcohol and proper supplies. He would have to send Spock to sickbay for some medical inventory later on.

"Does it even matter? Can I even bleed to death in here?" Bones whispered as Jim finished up as best as he can. He placed a little kiss on the reddened skin.

"Do you trust me?" Jim asked after a moment.

"I-" He could practically hear Leonard thinking on that answer. It hurt him beyond measure to have to wait for an answer which should have been given without hesitation. He closed his eyes, calming his heart down until he finally heard the reply,  "Yes, I do"

"Good because what I am about to tell you, it's going to be a lot to take in" Jim began but Leonard effectively cut him off.

"We used to work together, on a ship. You, me, Spock, Uhura and even Scotty. Is that what you want to tell me, Jimmy?"

A smile broke out on Jim's face, full of hope he shouldn't have let himself feel but felt regardless, "Do you remember know, Bones? Are your memories finally, properly coming back?"

Leonard shook his head as a no and Jim's face fell in disappointment. He snuggled in closer to Jim, their shared warmth becoming a source of stability for them both. "There are bits and pieces. It's like looking at photographs of another person's life which would be highly inappropriate had I not been sure that those people are actually us. Us, looking out into space without a fear of suffocating in an endless darkness. Us, side by side happy and glad to be in each other company. Us, in a ship, ten times the size of this one; A ship that is already sailing amongst the stars but hasn't been built yet..."

"Yes, Bones. They are us. Our family out in the sky" Jim replied brokenly, tears gathering on the edge of his eyes. Bones had almost recalled them. They were so close to figuring this out but he knew deep down that they wouldn't have enough time. Not anymore.

"Did our ship crash?" Leonard asked, "Were you and the others hurt, too?" Of course, he would ask after everyone rather than focusing on himself, Jim mused. That was all Bones, right down to the fear in his otherwise steady voice.

"That's not what happened" Jim readied himself for what came next. He was determined to continue with all his honesty, and explain it in one well-worded swoop, though he had to look up to the sky first, and gather strength from the invisible stars. It was more painful than he could ever imagine it to be, "There was a storm while we were on our ship, Leonard. You got caught in it while assisting to help our rescue attempts onshore." He inhaled with the full capacity of his lungs, causing Bones to wrap his arm around Jim's waist, holding on more securely than before. Jim continued with a stronger resolve. "We lost you for a while. Thought you were gone. Lost."

"Dead" Bones provided unhelpfully.

Jim nodded grimly, "Yeah, we had feared the worse. You were with us one minute and gone the next. And I never even get to say goodbye. I hadn't seen you off, hadn't kissed you good luck. Then, you were gone. Dead..." He stifled a sob. Unbelievable that he would start crying in a moment he was expected to be at his strongest, most reliable and fearless.

He recalled accepting the harsh truth, five agonising days after the incident, the first time he whispered out that Bones was dead and he had broken down. Unable to stand straight. Unable to hold himself together. Repeating that was pure agony, even while cradling Bones in his arms, it tore him apart.

"Please, Bones. I need you. I need you to remember us!" he cried more openly, unable to hold back the stream of hot tears falling down his cheek.

Leonard was up on his elbows, the second he felt Jim's voice crack. He was the one who was meant to be broken and hurting yet it was Jim who ended up with an uncontrollable sobbing. The shine in his blue eyes was as mesmerising as it was heartbreaking and despite their enhanced beauty, Leonard didn't like seeing those eyes glistened with tears. He reached out and Jim came forth willingly, almost desperately.

It began to dawn on Leonard what the truth had done to Jim in his absence. It wasn't as simple as someone going missing and searching for them over the course of a few days. No, it was much worse than that. Jim had searched for him, believing that he was already dead and didn't that notion spoke volumes about his dear friend's devotion to him.

"I am right here" he whispered into the blond hair under his lips, a kind echo of the night when it had been Jim who tried to console him. His own fears momentarily forgotten, he did his best to comfort him with hushed words and gentle touches, even though he knew how empty it all sounded. What good did his presence do when what Jim searched for no longer existed in this world; when Leonard had no idea how to be _Bones_ for him.

All he could do was to try.

"I'm sorry" Jim said. Leonard felt the vibrations of his sound in his chest, "I shouldn't have authorised the transportation to the ground. Not while the storm raged on. I put every one of you at risk. You, the landing party. Then, even demanded another group to go after you, fully knowing the risks. I am sorry, Bones. If it weren't for me..."

He was sick of everyone apologising to him, Ron, Scotty, and now Jim. He needed to show them that it was fine, that they had nothing to apologise for, that he was alright. "You said I went to help people, yes?" he responded, half-sure.

"Yeah"

"Then, I would have gone to help them regardless of the captain's orders, Jim; with or without your permission." He removed his handkerchief from his pocket and caught the droplets with ease. It was not the same as wiping the blood off of someone but Jim seemed pleased with his action nevertheless. He cleaned Jim's reddened cheeks, fingers caressing the skin in a loving manner while their gazes were locked into each other. 

"I am a doctor, you would say and fight me to let you aid the helpless. Of that, I have no doubt, Bones" A small smile grazed Jim's lips. It was a reward for Leonard to witness the appearance of the crow's feet at the corner of Jim's eyes. To have put that smile on his face. He felt proud enough to reciprocate the motion.

There was another feeling hanging in the air. Some emotion verging on what's pure and raw, hidden behind the ever loving gaze Jim had on him. The very thing he wanted more than anything in the world to discover. He leaned in cautiously while his hands slid down from Jim's face and Leonard kissed his forehead. He followed the same path as his handkerchief with his lips, temple, cheekbones, corner of the mouth, lingering on each spot.

Jim let out a happy little moan as his eyes slid to a close, much to Leonard's delight. His caressing on the soft neck slowed down enough for him to enjoy the texture of those soft skin under his lips. Not once did Jim cracked open an eye and the non-wavering trust the young captain had in him was overwhelming enough to drove him to be bolder. It was an unsure move but Leonard felt it be an absolute necessity to taste Jim's lips as well. Their breaths mingled during a pregnant pause as he debated it in his mind and Jim waited for him patiently, lips ajar and fingers clutching to Leonard's sides.

 _To hell with it_ , was the last coherent thought that went through Leonard's head before closing the gap between them and claiming the more than excited mouth. Like an exposed nerve, his raw emotions of affection and eagerness were evoked on touch. Another moan ripped through Jim's throat when Leonard grasped the back of his head, angling them to his will and allowing a sly tongue to explore Jim's mouth. Jim's dormant body slowly caught up and soon there were impatient hands on his back urging him closer and deeper. A sense of belonging filled him; Finding a person to hold on to, a family to belong to, slowly but surely remembering the place he called home. And, it was all hidden away in that small touch.

It took everything in Leonard to remove himself from Jim and when he did, he met with pouting red lips. He pressed and dragged his thumb over them as an apology before sitting back down but his heart still thumped in his chest, unable to comprehend what he had willingly done and very much enjoyed.

"Tell me about it, darlin'," he began, settling back down. Calloused but remarkably gentle hands grasped his soft, shaky hands. "About our ship... about Enterprise?"

Both Leonard and Jim were surprised that Leonard had recalled the name all on his own as Jim's jaw dropped open and threw himself onto his unexpectant arms. Effectively getting squished by a giant octopus, Leonard huffed in good humour. He let Jim bury his nose into his neck, the tears of sadness being replaced by those of happiness and Leonard could do nothing but land a soft kiss on all the bare skin he could reach, wrapping his arms around him just as fiercely.

After breaking apart an inch to breath easily and having moved on from their previously exciting activity, Jim delved right into both the technical and the aesthetic details of U.S.S. Enterprise. He figured that it was most comfortable to sit half on Jim's lap then to try to readjust their positions so he stayed where he was and hoped that neither of them caught a cold while sitting on the metal floor.

Leonard was pleased to see that any sign of despair was erased from Jim's demeanour and his face lit up at explaining every little thing he could think of accompanied with animated gestures. It was a scene so much as the man he met a few days ago, who could charm anyone with a simple conversation, that Leonard wanted to weep with happiness himself. This was how he wanted to see his dear friend.

 _His lover,_ albeit shyly, he allowed himself to think of Jim as such. It wasn't ungrounded, he knew that from the way Jim reciprocated his smile.

Jim was thorough with his descriptions of their ship and Leonard was more than surprised to recognise most of the details Jim had been telling him about. There were other parts which he had no idea about, like the number of pipes in the engine room but he wasn't rude enough to cut the kid short so he let him have his say. It wasn't much of a bother. Not that Leonard was listening to everything coming out of Jim's mouth, he was more concerned with how he couldn't stop his lips from curling upwards as he spoke and think about how swollen they looked, all thanks to Leonard. The rest was, well, history.  

Despite, obvious confusion and occasionally ignoring the man, Leonard managed to squeeze in a few questions in between his ramblings; What the hell's a dilithium ore?; Did you just claim to be roaming in outer space?; You know of little green creatures that can sneeze acid strong enough to melt metal?

"I must agree, this is a lot to take in" Leonard whispered at the end and Jim quieted down, "Here I was, worried about a few misplaced memories on a steamship and you are telling me about one that set sails in space!"

"Doesn't it sound wonderful, though?" Jim asked.

"Terrifying is the word I am more likely to use"

"Perhaps, it is both, Bones" was his reply before Jim lifted his head up and looked at somewhere behind Leonard. When he followed his line of gaze back to the door, he saw Spock standing there with tense shoulders and an unhappy face. "This can't be good news"

"When is it ever?" Leonard grumbled. They hadn't had a peaceful day abroad the ship. Why would that change now?

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would have posted this yesterday but I completely forgot about Bones' injuries so I had to rewrite some parts and fix other bits.  
> Enjoy!


	16. Chapter 16

"What is it now, Mr Spock?" Jim yelled out to his first officer who was unimpressed by their tangled sitting arrangement. Despite not really wanting to, Jim motioned for the good doctor to move to the side and got to his feet, pulling Leonard up along with him. Somehow they separated their bodies from each other without feeling too embarrassed. It was probably because of the indifferent expression on Spock's face.

Jim easily grabbed Bones' waist, unwilling to part from him.There was a lovely blush spreading over Leonard's cheeks and neck as he avoided turning to Spock, Jim realised. He wasn't one to waste opportunities such as these, though, so he leaned in closer to Leonard's neck and placed a fleeting kiss on the tender spot between the neck and the strong jaw. The shivering body under his grew hotter with both embarrassment and anger.

"What are you doing in front of other people?" Bones snapped and squinted his hazel eyes at him. Unfazed, Jim shrugged.

"It's just Spock. No need to worry" Jim replied easily and beckoned for Spock to come closer to them, "What's the news?"

Spock looked between them for a moment and after he deemed it acceptable to speak up in front of Leonard "We were successful in improving the steam engine capacity and with readjusting our course, I have estimated our time of arrival to the rendezvous point to be at half past midnight, tonight."

"That's way too early, Spock. According to our earlier data, the transmission will occur tomorrow morning. Is it wise to overwork the cylinders and risk premature engine damage?"

"The cylinders are made to withstand much higher stress under less than ideal conditions. Our steam engine, having newly been installed can make it to the coordinates with ease. My main concern is with avoiding further temporal disturbances which can cost us more time than we can afford to lose." Spock reported. He had a point; if there was another instant when six hours were gone under a minute, then they were done for. "I suggest we drop anchor as soon as we reach the transmission point and keep Dr McCoy away from _additional stress_ in the meantime."

 Bones, who had been patiently listening to their incomprehensible conversation, perked up at hearing his own name. "If you don't like me when I'm stressed, Mr Spock, you should be avoiding at all times."

"Easy, Bones" Jim interrupted with a stern voice, he wasn't in the mood for arguments. He could feel a growing headache behind his forehead. "Mr Spock, proceed with your plan accordingly and keep us en route. Inform me if there are any other changes or problems which I know there is going to be."

"I certainly hope your assumption is wrong then, Captain"

"Me too, Spock. Anything else?"

"I would suggest proceeding with what we initially planned."

"Oh yes, that" Jim nodded, causing Bones to cross his arms across his chest and raise an arched eyebrow in question. He spared a glance back at him apologetically, "It'll be done"

"Good." Spock approved, "Might I also ask, what your plan is? In case I require to find you immediately."

Jim scratched his head for a moment before deciding to go with Spock's suggestion and keep Bones relaxed. It wouldn't have been easy to manage such a feat but he had come prepared.

"I'll be keeping Dr McCoy company and hope that he doesn't kill me" he joked. Both his officers shared a confused glance, because of different reasons, the sight bringing a warmth to Jim's chest. As Bones' eyes swayed towards Spock's, asking a silent question, he smiled coyly and reached out to his pocket, grabbing a hold of the hypospray he had hidden away. Removing and angling the sedative towards Leonard's neck without him noticing was the easy part. "You are really going to hate me for this but hey, revenge is best served cold"

"Huh?" was all Leonard could manage before he heard the unmistakable hiss on his neck and felt a cold tip being removed from his skin. It was confusing for him, Jim realised but did not indulge the doctor with what he was doing.

"You didn't even make a strangled noise!" Jim whined from his side, instead and received a death glare in return from Leonard. Jim surged forward at the same time as Spock. Together they lowered him towards the railing, Jim crouching down alongside him. Despite the scary growl breaking out of his throat, Jim felt Bones' body going slack. He steadied him against his chest and pretended not to be worried about the retribution which would follow soon enough.

"Did you drug me?"

"Mild sedative. It'll knock you out for about a few hours but you need to catch up on some sleep before your mind goes haywire"

"Huh. I'll remember this, you know" Leonard said and a shiver went down Jim's spine. There was a very dangerous, hidden threat beneath those simple words. This, he did not look forward to.

"I kind of feel like this was the wrong move, Spock" Jim whispered over Leonard's head. Spock shrugged in a way that didn't look like a shrug but more like an annoyed huffing of his chest. "Oh well, help me get him to his bed"

"This would have gone a lot easier, had you sedated Dr McCoy in his cabin, Jim" From his tone, Jim sensed that Spock wanted to leave him behind instead of helping out but his officerly duties kept him from actually doing that.

"Yeah, well, too late" he responded, circling a supporting arm behind Bones, "Now, grab his other arm. Does this feel like deja vu? I swear, we had done this two days ago" he said as they rounded a corner.

"Are you also losing your memories, Captain? Because that would be most troublesome."

"Just talking, Spock. Humour me. He has gotten heavier than ever before. Don't you think so, too?"

"Yes, Captain. This might be a simulation, but to Dr McCoy, it is reality and it is very much affecting him in more ways than one. Not to mention the healthy seafood diet he has been consuming." Spock replied and indulged him in his attempt at light conversation while helping Jim to drag Bones back to his cabin "He also seems to have lost his angry edge."

"Perhaps, this whole mess was not a bad occurrence. It has helped him loosen up a bit. He is alive and well. We are within an arm's length of our goal..."

"As the old Earth saying goes, Captain, you shouldn't mention it otherwise, you might jinx it."

Jim huffed out a laugh and readjusted Bones' head on his shoulder. They were at the top of the stairs and he was more than ready to give up and sit down until he regained consciousness.

"How are we going to do this without breaking any bones?" he asked out loud.

Spock raised an eyebrow, his equivalent of scolding Jim, kneeled down and grabbed a hold of Bones' legs, lifting him up on his shoulder as if the man weighed nothing. "This way, Captain"

"Uhm, thanks, Spock" Jim said. Witnessing Bones' bobbing head on Spock's back, the unruly brown hair sticking out in all directions and one arm lifelessly hanging, it was not a scene he was accustomed to. It had always been Bones who looked after Jim. Dr McCoy, who cared for him, taking his vitals after catching the nasty flu, patching him up after a mission gone bad, administering his specific medication he knew wouldn't hurt Jim after his allergies played up... Leonard, who had cared for him when he was simply Jim and not the Captain. Bones, who had opened his heart and let him in despite all the bruises and bleeding he had suffered before.

Let it be drinking or kissing or holding on, it had always been them, together when things got rough and Jim needed a break from being the golden boy of the fleet. They had arrived at their destinations because they had each other and there was no denying that. Jim couldn't even bear the thought of losing all that, yet it had come to this, that he was willing to return back without all of his memories.

_No!_ he shook his head, _it was worth it to get him back alive!_

At the base of the steps, he assisted Spock who had grown tired. They picked him up and resumed their walk in the hallway. The Captain's great cabin was closer by, so he directed Spock towards his room.

"Are you sure this was necessary, Spock? Missing a few hours of sleep isn't that good in the grand scheme. We are on a tight schedule"

"Human mind is wounded under heavy trauma. It is prone to hallucinations when not rested properly, so much so that it's great potential becomes limited. In Dr McCoy's case, tiredness would add an unwarranted risk to his already fragile mind. Resting no matter how short will mend at least some of the damage done to his sensory units."

"Alright, alright. Let's hope it isn't the final time I see him fall asleep"

"Captain, we will make it in time. I am certain of it."

"I trust you, Spock. Hey, here we are!"

The great cabin, despite its name, was only slightly larger than the most luxurious cabins in the ship. It was decorated the same as the rest, heavy on the wooden material with occasional golden colour thrown in. Other than the large double bed by the east wall, there was a study table, its top invisible under the layers of paper and stationary, a table set with extra chairs and other utilities. An ornate sextant, which Jim was very fond of stood by the bed, in the narrow area between the bed and a wardrobe.

By far, the best part of the cabin according to Jim was the large windows overlooking the ocean and letting low noises of the waves splashing be heard from where he laid down. It was his pleasure to drop Bones down on the bed and indulge himself with the scene of his beloved Bones across his mattress.

"Right, I'll stick around here. Will you be alright, without me, Mr Spock?"

"Yes, I believe so, Captain" Spock replied just as Bones began to stir up.

"Is he waking up, already? I gave him the full dosage Nurse Chapel had loaded into the hypo!"

"It is possible that the good doctor is suffering from nightmares. Perhaps, human contact, mimicking the warmth of a well rested night, could assist in lulling him back to sleep."

"Did you just advise me to cuddle Bones to sleep?" Jim asked incredulous but delighted by what he was hearing.

"It was merely a suggestion" was his reply as he averted his eyes from Jim who had the brightest, most unguarded smile on his face. "I will see you before midnight."

"Spock, wait! Come on, man. I want to hear more of this advice!"

"Good luck, Jim" Spock grunted out before disappearing behind the lightly slammed door.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit short but it was a good point to end the chapter! I always love some Jim, Spock and Bones banter.


	17. Chapter 17

He was on his feet, dressed up and all ready to head up.  It took Leonard a moment to comprehend that. Especially since the last thing he remembered was that he was on the outer deck with Jim and Spock. Yet, there he was, in a fine dark grey suit, complete with its brown vest, crooked cravat and shiny shoes, that he was sure wasn't his, and he was standing in front of a full body mirror in a cabin he hadn't visited before.

Even the bandage over his hand had been replaced with a clean one, the wound having been treated properly. He ran his fingers through his hair and felt the slight hurt of a light wound on his neck. That too had been treated.

"Where- What?" he whispered to himself, looking wildly around. The comfortable but messy bed suggested someone had just been sleeping on it. A few ties and fancy cravats were placed on the sofa for picking and choosing. The water in the washing basin was still rippling as if he recently dipped his hand in it. He didn't remember doing any of that.

The large cabin, as well decorated as it was, was bare of any personal touches and provided no information as to who could be its owner. The large windows, on the other, hand told him clearly that there was one answer, of course; it was the Captain's great cabin. If not that, then the captain's blue frock coat lined with gold laced buttons sitting innocently by the bed's post would have given him the answer. He feared of loosing yet more memories over that particular discovery, having no recollection of how he got there. But then he remembered the sensation of being jabbed with a nasty little stuff in the neck.

He rubbed the abused area on his neck, "You know I outta knock you out for that little stunt!" he snapped after hearing a rustling sound by the door. Soon after, a blond head peeked through a small space between the door and the frame.

"It was Spock's idea" Jim said with a brave smile, already guessing what Leonard was getting at and pushed the door fully open in order to enter his cabin. Leonard scoffed at him before turning to check himself in the mirror. Jim took the opportunity to approach him and pat down the wrinkles in his suit. "Looks good on you."

"Thanks. It's yours, I presume."

"It belongs to whoever can pull it off."

"Well," Leonard smile kindly, eyeing the Captain and his attire. Jim was in his simple outfit composing of white shirt and trousers, looking more tired than he tried to let on and the white colour was doing no favours for his pale complexion. Leonard was tempted to bring the subject up but it wasn't in him to worsen Jim's mood so he opted for sarcasm. "It's not your fault if your hips are too skinny to fill the fine cut of the suit"

"Hey!" Jim protested but the smirk in his voice was evident "You ready?"

"I am, though, I'm not sure for what"

Jim lifted an amused eyebrow at him. "Wow, the seasickness hit you hard, man!" he replied while adjusting the collar on Leonard's shirt. Leonard opted to let that remark go in favour of watching a perfect view of the two of them in the mirror as Jim's arms enveloping his shoulders from behind as he moved to fix his cravat; The blond hair mixed in with his brown locks, the black sleeves contrasting beautifully with his white shirt, and the piercing blue eyes fixed on his hazel ones.

The warm breath exhaled on his ear made Leonard shiver and he barely held himself before he leaned back and got lost amongst the strong, inviting arms. He felt the scratch of the light beard on the back of his neck, Jim purposefully lingering behind him, his nose buried in his hair and his lips gently brushing the untouched skin beneath his hairline. Almost as if he was taste testing Leonard's nervousness.

"Perfect" Leonard felt rather than hear Jim's whisper vibrating against his skin and couldn't surpass the shiver which ran down his spine. A sense of euphoria arose within him and when the arms around him threatened to leave and deprive him of that feeling, he held on, clutching at Jim's wrists like a lifeline. His eyes were closed, enhancing his every other sense, allowing him to feel Jim with all his being; the burning touch of his lips, the comforting rise and fall of his chest, the familiar, ever-present scent of his aftershave...

"Jim" The name rolled out of his tongue as more of a whimper than he intended, carrying a hint of a darker desire than he ever allowed himself to feel before. That brought Jim to a halt, but only momentarily. His hips began swaying to a music playing in his head only, his hands urging Leonard to accompany him. Leonard followed his lead with little to no persuasion and was rewarded by Jim's low humming voice.

"You got to stop before I do something I regret, darlin'." He whispered in fear of losing the moment.

"Oh, do you really want to?" Jim replied and tilted his head, burrowing even closer to Leonard.

"Yes"

"Then why regret it, Bones?" Leonard let out a small, amused huff at that. There was no winning when Jim had set his mind to it.

"You are a real smart guy, aren't you?"

"So, I've been told"

"Not by me, I bet"

"Nope, but we are working on it" They remained silent for a while after that until Jim lifted his head, urging Leonard to open his eyes and meet Jim's in the mirror once again. "You know what we haven't done, yet?"

"What?" Leonard asked, genuinely curious.

"Dancing!" was the reply, as Jim suddenly leapt back while grabbing ahold of Leonard's hand. With the momentum of his movement, Leonard was forced to spin on his heels, coming crashing down on Jim, who grabbed him by the waist. Leonard would have complained and refused to play along with this request but the unfettered smile on Jim's face halted all his grumpiness, giving him no choice but to nod and hope to see that smile all his life.

"Perfect!" Jim exclaimed and ran his hands down Leonard's suit, in a manner that had nothing to do with fixing the cringles. He extended his hand, then, bowed ever so slightly, "Dr McCoy, would you honour me with this dance?"

"Now, it would be rude of me to refuse such a heartfelt invitation, but we have no music. What would you do about that, Captain?" Leonard mused. Jim, of course, had a ready answer for that, too.

"You'll notice that I excel in yet another activity. I am more than just a captain, you know"

"Yes, you are also brassy and shameless; Not the best qualities for a ship captain but somehow, everyone is okay with that."

"You, too, Bones?"

"Yes, I suppose so"

Small smiles lingered on their faces as Jim guided Leonard's arms to his neck and placed his own around Leonard's middle, gripping the small of his back with a fleeting touch. Leonard felt the air in the cabin shift. An aura of calmness settled over Jim's body, his eyes reflecting the stagnancy of a sea after a storm. Peaceful and safe. He cuddled in closer, forehead resting against forehead, chest pushing against chest.

"Weren't we going somewhere?" he mumbled.

"Weren't we going to do something you might regret?" Jim shot back cheekily, causing Leonard to roll his eyes affectionately. Leonard waited patiently as Jim allowed a moment silence to pass and they eased into each other's hold. Then, Jim found his voice, startling Leonard. He started humming at first, self-conscious and slightly embarrassed. Leonard was aware that his unwavering attention on him was the reason behind the adorable blush spreading over Jim's cheeks. He initiated a slow swaying motion and was awarded hearing Jim's low but beautiful singing voice.

The song Jim chose was a sad, sappy, country song; one of his old favourites but Leonard didn't know that. Yet, the same sense of familiarity was filling up in his chest, attempting to push his way out only to fail at the very last moment. It was simply that Jim managed to hit every note just right that it made Leonard's knees go weak, urging the memory to resurface but he didn't bother to force himself into recognising the tune. Unlike before, it didn't matter whether he remembered anything because this time he was content enough and felt blessed to have a marvellous man, such as Jim to serenade him. He was content enough to be surrounded by him in all ways possible. Even more than before.

Their feet moved across the wooden floor with clumsy motions, Leonard taking the lead. As uncoordinated as it was, Leonard still enjoyed it. He kept it slow, just at the right speed so that Jim wasn't distracted. It didn't work quite right. Even though he did his best, Jim still broke down once or twice, unable to surpass letting out a laugh at their tangled limbs and unpracticed moves.

When his song ended, Leonard moved one of his hands to cradle the side of Jim's face, tracing his cheekbone lightly. "That was lovely, Jimmy"

"Why, thank you, Bones" Jim grinned which in return caused fluttering in Leonard's stomach, much to his dismay. A little smile tugged at his lips despite that, until Jim spoke once again "So, tonight. Big night! We are going back home! Excited?"

Leonard shifted his gaze to a spot over Jim's shoulder and took a moment to recall the talk they had on the outer deck, "You sedated me!" he accused with a low voice.

"Yeah," Jim squirmed, "It was for a good cause. Wait, do you remember our talk with Spock?" Leonard squinted his eyes at Jim but nodded. "That's also good, Bones."

"Jim," Leonard started and took a step back. Fingers sliding down Jim's chest and keeping them apart at an arm's length. This was something he should have cleared a while ago "No, it's not. I hate to break it to you, kid, but I am not going anywhere. Not yet, not now."

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *You thought it was all rainbows and sunshine now, didnt u?


	18. Chapter 18

"What do you mean you aren't going back?" Jim shook his head as if he heard it all wrong.

Leonard walked back a few steps from Jim, who was adamant in standing inches away from him. Every step backwards was followed by his forward step. His arm was the only thing keeping them apart with a healthy distance for his mind's sake, even though it was clear that Jim didn't believe in anything of the sort. It would have felt threatening if he hadn't learnt that Jim had a golden heart in the few days they spent together and from the hazy dreams which held the dear captain's memory with an iron grasp.

He knew there had been a strong bond between them. He knew Jim was stubborn as well as dedicated and willing to do whatever it took to get things done his way. He also knew that the kid would opt to jump off of the deck than to willingly hurt Leonard. It wasn't his memories that reassured him of this, but rather his gut feeling. The same instinct which drove him towards Jim, forcing him to orbit around the young man in the first place.

Yet... yet, he wasn't ready to follow this crazy bastard back to wherever they had come from. "Look, I remember a hell'uva lot things. The ship, the stars and maybe the whole damn crew." He began slowly, halting Jim in his steps. Despite the obvious panic that was seconds away from overwhelming him, he had remained an epitome of calmness for an admirable amount of time. It was all about to change, "It's not all clear, though, most of them are nothing but fuzzy dreams in my mind. There are still big chunks of emptiness inside my mind. Important bits and pieces like where have I met you before? Or, what did I learn at medical school? Who was my first crush? Where was I born? I- I..."

"I know, Bones," Jim replied kindly. Him having positioned himself between Leonard and the door, did not escape Leonard's attention. "We did our best, reminding you all we can, as much as you can. The rest we'll have to deal with it once we are back and I promise you, it'll be alright. We are the federation's best and brightest. We'll sort everything out" The shine in Jim's eyes was everything Leonard ever wanted to see, yet it distressed him, especially thinking about the talk Spock and Jim had. "We are almost home, Bones"

"Yeah," Leonard mumbled, suddenly the weight of everything they have been talking dawning on him, "I am sure you are the best at what you do but the thing is, Jimmy, I am not ready to take on the kind of responsibility you expect from me. I am not ready to leave."

"What? Why?"

"This is all getting to be too much. I don't just refer to our thing that we have between us. Whatever this is, it is a big portion of it, of course, but then there are the responsibilities I have here. I am a doctor first. And I don't know what I am supposed to know but I am certain that I am not equipped with the right information to resume my work up in the space. So, there is that."

"What?" Jim repeated, brows furrowing deeper than Leonard has ever seen them do.

"There is another thing. I am ashamed to admit it but for the last couple of days, I had completely forgotten about Ron. I own that man a lot, my life even. I mean the man opened his house for me, stuck out his neck when I was about to be shipped back to America. If it weren't for him, I would have been lost, or even dead. I own him so much, and I am supposed to leave without leaving a trace behind? I can't! I can't just disappear on him."

"Bones, take it easy. Ron is a grown up. He'll get over it!"

"You don't know him like I do. He gets obsessed with these things, Jim. He fancies himself a detective. He'll search for me until the day he dies. I've got to leave a message at the very least. To let him know I am going away and thank him and... and... And then there is the matter with his kid. I was supposed to meet him and put him on a straight road. Help him out like Ron helped me out."

"Bones," Jim started but Leonard cut him off before he could get a say.

"And whatever we are? Are we a thing? I mean, did it start in the _space_? Why are we even working up there?"

"Bones, please, stop panicking!" Jim yelled, hoping to baffle Leonard into silence. It didn't work.

"Oh yeah, sure, scream at the man panicking to not to panic. That'll calm him down!" He bit back instead of shutting up, "Why do we have to leave tomorrow? I still need to put my things in order, I have long-term patients back in Liverpool. I can't drop out of the radar whenever I damn well please!"

Was he about to hyperventilate? Yes, he definitely was. He had to stop it before it escalated. Not that he could.

"It's not real!" Jim yelled again, doing the only think he obviously could think of and this time it worked like a charm on Leonard. Though, it didn't stop Jim from waving his arms around in exaggerating motions as he continued on, "Ron's son didn't write to Ron! We did! We copied his address and his handwriting and sent a heartfelt threat to papa, so that we'll get you out of that damned Liverpool and put you onto a ship. You were impossible to convince to set sail. You wouldn't think it would be that hard to make someone leave that place but well, here we are. And Ron? Oh, he is just like the actual deal. A perfect copy of the original man but he isn't authentic. Nothing here is! It's all a lie! This whole reality we are in? It's collapsing from the inside and there is nothing we can do about it, except getting out!"

"You are not making any sense, man" Leonard countered, "Stop making shit up!"

"I am not! Tell me what do you remember from this morning?"

"You sedated me and I woke up in this cabin"

"And before that?"

"I- There was something wrong with the lights, I mean the lamps and there was a storm?"

"You know that's not true. You remember our talk with Spock, don't you?"

"I don't know what I am remembering!" Leonard insisted and completely detached himself from Jim's hold "How can time skip existing? This only happens in dreams and not in reality. You told me it was as real as it gets!"

"Because, it is. In a way. Sort of. Our minds perceive this as reality and our subconscious is a part of this world. It's just that this world is not real. And getting out of here, that's what our lives depend on." Jim took a deep breath in. Leonard could see how eager he was to keep talking but also aware that if he pushed him, he would walk away. Leonard thought that, yes, he was two steps away from the door.

"Okay, time-out," Leonard said, "I think I get what you are trying to say. What with all the weird ass shit that keep flashing in front of my eyes but I repeat my main problem. I am not ready to leave. How about you give me some time, I'll stay in Boston, say my farewells and I digest all that you've said. I have a whole life in this world, a year spent with a dear friend and I've got promises to honour. Maybe once I'm with those, then, I'll be set to leave. For now, I retain my right to choose what I want to do with my life!"

The emotion he witnessed in Jim's eyes was borderline pity rather than sympathy. It annoyed him immeasurably. He wanted to wait for Jim's answer with crossed arms before he did anything but the urge to say something was too strong, so he let out a weak little sigh, "I don't even know when I put on this damn monkey suit, let alone be trusted to recall all that nonsense about shifting time and all."

"Well, that's not good" Jim replied, defeated. He approached Leonard cautiously and took a hold of his arm, fingers slowly sliding down to caress the bandaged skin of his hand, "Look, this wound happened because the ship was at risk from being erased from existence." His careful fingers reached out to grab Leonard's neck and to pull down the collar, "The graze here was a result of the same turbulence. You may not be your real, more proper self right know, Bones but even when you forgot everything else, you recalled being a doctor, a scientist. And these right here, these wounds are a proof of what transpired last night. It happened. It was real and you saw it. You can't deny that fact."

"I don't want to deny it, Jim" Leonard whined, low and tired, "I want to return along with you. I want to see and feel our home, once more. It's just that I am not ready to leave this one behind. Despite its flaws and weirdnesses, I've grown to like it here. It has become my home in a way."

"But it's not real" Jim narrowed his eyes in confusion, "How can you get attached to a place that is merely a figment of someone's imagination? To love a world that does not exist..."

"Because it is real for me" Leonard answered, "What it makes me feel is  _as real as it gets_."

Jim stood before him without moving a muscle; Eyes hard on Leonard, as if he was trying to decipher an impossible puzzle. It was endearing in a way. To have such a focused attention on him. But it wasn't for the right reasons, he was sure.

When Jim moved again, it was with an attempt to hug Leonard. Leonard was aware that if he let that happen, even though it was a simple, kind gesture, it would have meant that he changed his mind. Maybe it was his stubborn side rather than his logical one that believed that but he wasn't going to take any chances. He wanted to, no he needed to take that time-out. The next few hours of his life was expected to be one the defining moments of the rest of his life and he wasn't willing to pick his choices while blindfolded.

So, he stepped back and despite Jim's face crumbling down, he flashed an apologetic smile. "If you can't give me a few days, then at least let me have a few hours on my own, Jimmy"

"Is it that hard to trust me without a shadow of a doubt, Bones?"

 _When you sound like a long-term resident inmate from your local asylum, yes,_ Bones thought, but instead, he said "This was the weirdest yet still the most civilised conversation I've ever had with anyone. _You,_ with the exception of Spock (I mean what's up with that guy?), are the weirdest person I must have ever met. Perhaps, the maddest one, too."

"Probably, yeah" Jim agreed and it brought a smile on Leonard's face, "I sincerely hope that there is a _but_ coming right about now."

"I believe you," Leonard said, nodding, "Mostly because it's either that or we all belong in the loony bin. But,-"

"You need time to think things through?" Jim asked seriously before Leonard could get to it.

"Yes" he replied, aware that it was phrased as a question and not an answer.

"Okey, Bones" Jim relented after a moment. He ducked his head down and retrieved sideways, effectively removing himself from the doorway. "Meet me in two hours, on the bridge?"

"I can do that" Leonard agreed even though he wasn't sure it was going to be enough to get over his inner panic. "Here," he beckoned Jim and looped an arm around his neck. Jim lifted his head barely enough for Leonard to place a slow, warm kiss on his lips. He lingered until he felt Jim reciprocate and then he touched their foreheads together.

It was difficult for Leonard to ignore the shining tears welling up in the corners of Jim's eyes, but he moved away from him nevertheless. When he stepped out of the door, with his back to Jim, it felt more like walking into a prison than leaving one.

 *

He really hadn't meant to scare Bones off, but having heard of his insane decision to remain behind... Jim was only a man. Even he didn't have the strength to look the person he loved dearly in the eye and accept their agony filled, guilt-ridden resignation. He had wanted to reach out to him and hold him until Bones woke up from this nightmare.

He had once told Jim that a touch starved person could only be healed by acceptance and love. And in this world and era, Bones, a man who had more heart than any man Jim had known, a humanitarian who relished in the most basic act of care and affection was stripped of all contact for so long. Yet, he had chosen it over everything Jim could give to him; the love he nurtured for Leonard was like nothing he ever felt before and all of his heart was spread out naked for him. Only for him. Yet, Bones had preferred the lie. Knowing that, hurt.

Almost as if punishing himself, Bones had been left to touch starve over the past year. And, Jim only wanted to give him a warm, grounding touch to remained him of the good things awaiting them back home. It was meant to be a helping hand extending and holding him close by. A hand protecting him from further pain and hurt...

How had it turned out like this? He asked himself over and over again. How had he managed to scare him off?

"Captain?" A gentle voice called put to Jim and pulled him away from his dark musings. Uhura, with her kind eyes, stood before the small set of stairs, Jim had perched on. He was blocking the way into the bridge, he knew but he couldn't care less.

"It's been three hours, long since past high noon! Where is he?" he half yelled, half whined.

"You sound like you have gone native, Captain" Uhura replied and after nudging his knees to make room for her on the steps, she sat by his side.  

"I can't believe I drove him away. It was going so well and then suddenly he drops the bomb that he doesn't want to leave? Why?"

"If I were to haphazard a guess," Uhura began, her speech resembling that of Spock's, "He is overwhelmed and confused. He needs to find his footing before he can accept the truth."

"I notice that now. I did more harm than help him. At the worst possible time, I failed him again" he whispered, subconsciously leaning on Uhura.

"I am certain, Len will come to his senses and come back to us, Jim"

"You don't get it, Uhura. He kissed me goodbye."

"Jim," she started, running a hand over her face. Jim didn't know what he wanted her to respond with but it definitely wasn't exasperation. "You are a wonderful captain and a great friend, but-"

"Are you going to start with _buts_ , too? Far too many people have been doing that lately"

"Yes, I have to. Jim, Leonard is out there somewhere on this ship. He is hurt and in need of our help. His senses may not be fast enough to make him believe us but we don't exactly have time to spare on our hands. I know it's less than ideal to have to drag him out but if shove comes to push, then, that's what we'll do. He may not remember us properly, or even himself but that doesn't mean we are going to leave him to his faith. We are not going to abandon him."

"I am not planning to!" Jim said, and crossed his arms across his chest, "He needed some time. What else could I do and give that much to him? I messed up everything else. This was the one thing I could do for him and I backed off."

"Backed off? Since when does Captain James T. Kirk back off from anything?" Uhura scowled and despite being hip to hip on the stairs, she managed to angle her body to glare at Jim. "You are the human personification of being relentless and headstrong. Why are you acting against your nature when we, when Leonard needs you at your best?"

"Because he thinks he needs time!" Jim replied but was shut off quickly by Uhura's raised hand.

"He also thinks a single man and a woman shouldn't be seen talking alone under any circumstances or that smoking cigar in a library is a good idea. He isn't exactly in the right mind to be making life altering decisions alone."

"You kind of got a point there" Jim caved in.

"I know, so, get off your butt and go bring him back to us." Uhura practically shooed him away until he began walking away.

"Aye, aye, Captain Uhura" he yelled back from the end of the hallway.

"You know what, I actually like the sound of that"

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Uhura to the rescue!!


	19. Chapter 19

In hindsight, it had been a wonderful idea to spend time away from Jim and his madness, for about two hours. Then things had gone a bit haywire for Leonard. He didn't really understand how it came to this. Much like that time he woke up on the shore of Crosby, with an amnesia, confused and angry, he had found himself in the bowels of the steamship, face to face with the engine and its giant pipes, with no idea of how he got there.

Some inner thought suggested sleepwalking but he hadn't been sleeping at all, he was sure of that. By the heavy feeling in the back of his head, he could feel the exhaustion of being sleep deprived. The short nap he took in Jim's cabin was nowhere near enough to help him get through the day.

In addition to that, the blanks in between his memories were too large to ignore this time. It was a usual occurring back when he was still getting himself together in Liverpool, having recently been through a trauma. But now, after nearly a year and learning much about his forgotten past, it was a bad omen if nothing else.

Leonard heavily leaned on one of the walls, ignoring the steamy air slowly clogging his lungs. He was partially lost and to figure his way out backtracking his steps was the logical thing to do; He had left Jim's greater cabin, headed for the nice breezy deck, got down to his cabin and then left for the dining saloon. All the while thinking about the Enterprise, Jim, everything he had said about them and their departure. He hadn't reached the saloon so in between his cabin and the saloon, he must have suffered through an episode and lost his path as well as his memories.

That was as terrifying as last night's tripping event when he almost had been swallowed up by darkness. A chilling thought appeared in Leonard's mind; What if he was finally losing it? Maybe he was still on that shore, with the scent of sea and death surrounding him. And in his last moments of clarity, he had been seeing Jim and the rest of his merry little crew, providing a small comfort during his time of passing. It was a nice gesture from his mind, really, but deep down he knew that was not the reality of the situation.

He thought of Ron for a moment. He thought of all the lives he touched and all the people he helped in Liverpool. It had been a unique, if not a terrifying journey. He wanted to see Ron, still. Say goodbye and apologise for not holding his end of the bargain. He wondered if he would be disappointed to hear that his son hadn't been the one to bother writing to him, to try to reconcile with his family. He probably would, he decided but then Ron would sigh and murmur profanities at his son with affection, waiting patiently for that miraculous occurrence. Leonard would pat his shoulder and offer a drink to cheer him up. Ron would stick his nose in his favourite book or newspaper column of mysterious murders while Mrs Ross would scold them both for chasing after silly little murders instead of doing actual medical works like bandaging up neighbourhood's brat's hurt elbow.

Leonard could almost smell the dinner being cooked and the savoury scent of the roasted beef sneaking into the living room. He could almost hear the rain dropping on the windows and the cackling of the fireplace. The heat emanating from the burning wood was almost too real. He took a deep breath and felt the back of his throat itching, his lungs closing up when he tried to inhale for far too long. Tears welling up on the edges of his eyes were as unexpectant as his sudden dream had been.

With the force shaking his head, his headache increased with an exponential pain. He focused on Ron once more. He recalled their last encounter on the harbour and their final goodbye. A sad smile had teetered on his face as if he knew this was the end. He imagined them shaking hands one last time, stronger than before and with the finality of their fond year reaching to an end.

_From the ocean, I welcomed you my friend and for your journey into the ocean, I bid you farewell._

"Oh Ron, you were in on it, weren't you?" Leonard mumbled, realisation dawning upon him. He should have been mad at Ron and Jim, both, yet he couldn't bring himself to feel anger. He had already said his goodbyes and moved on. Now, it was his turn to do the same. Leonard's opinion on his needs hadn't changed but he was willing to admit that Jim had been right about one thing. He was ready to find his way back home.

He sighed tiredly and looked around for one of the petty officers or a shipman. He was hoping to find Mr Scott or at least someone who wouldn't accuse him of trespassing into an unauthorised area. He covered his ears and walked around the pipes, trying to block out the loud clicking sounds the cylinders and the metal parts were making. The room was covered in a dim blackness, interrupted by an occasional orange colour glinting from behind the pipes. It felt like the temperature of the room was increasing, the closer he got to the other side of the engine. It was only natural, he discovered as he rounded up towards the large furnaces connected to the engine. They gave off a bright red, almost orange glow which lit up that side of the room.

Leonard was now certain that he had seen almost every inch of this steamship, even more than what the captain would have. He wasn't exactly thrilled about it, especially not when he couldn't find the damned stairs to get out. It shouldn't have been that difficult but apparently, the ship didn't like him after all. Cursing his luck, he crossed a small bridge between lower pipes. He was certain that there were three different sets of boilers in the room and the engine itself extended for an eternity, deep towards the other end of the ship.

After five minutes, he began walking around with more anger than a commitment to getting out and soon, he began to realise that it was futile. The walls were closing in on him and the escaping steam from the furnaces was filling up his lungs with hot air, choking the ever loving breath out of him. He removed his cravat and unbuttoned his collar. He didn't care much for the clothing pieces he left behind as he tried to cool his body down. Even on his forehead and down his back, he could feel the sweat forming, somewhat caging him even further.

Leonard made a mistake then; having leaned on one of the metal pipes, the red hot metal scorched his arm. Burning away the cloth and injuring the side of his forearm. Leonard cursed and pulled back. He clutched his arm to his chest, heaving slightly from the elevated pain. All day long, he had been getting hurt and even though his earlier injuries didn't hurt anymore, it was clear to him that it was not his lucky day.

He blinked tiredly and found himself in a darker corner of the room. He looked around to see where he was. The boilers behind the large machinery in the room next door and the pipe he had touched was further down that corridor. He didn't recall it but somehow he had moved across two rooms in the blink of an eye. A sudden wave of nausea hit him as he dropped to his knees. It had happened again.

Leonard felt a tightness increase in his chest. His insides were twisting themselves beyond his control and he found it difficult to breathe. Hands shaking, chest heaving and vision darkening, he was losing his grasp on his consciousness. He heard footsteps, whispers... No, it was the thumping of his heart deep within his chest. Hard and painful beatings under his ribcage. He knew what this was, his doctor's instincts were very quick to supply him with the fact that he was on the verge of a panic attack. He attempted to keep it together but it was more difficult than he ever assumed. He had no choice, though. He was alone.

Weakly, he gripped the nearby pipes, not thinking whether they would be carrying the hot or the cold water. By luck, it turned out to be the latter, not that he noticed it right away. He closed his eyes, fingers splayed across his chest, feeling the madly thumping heart beneath the ribcage. He focused on that sound. As erratic as it was, that rhythm was still better than the deafening silence around him. Next, he tried to regulate his breathing, counting the seconds as he tried to inhale and exhale at a steady pace. For one glorious moment, he felt the calming beat and next, with the rush of blood to his head all Leonard could hear was the beating of his heart in his ears. In the next minute, his head fell forward as unconsciousness claimed him.

*

Before he even opened his eyes, Leonard knew he was going to wake up in another ungodly part of the ship. If not for the lack of heat, then the extremely loud sound of the birds and the waves, as well as the distinguishable scent of burning charcoal were enough of a proof for that thought. Albeit reluctantly, Leonard cracked open an eye and met with the sight of a starry night sky. He didn't know when it had gotten dark but he didn't care either. Millions of stars were shining brightly in the cloudless sky, with different intensities, displaying a spectacle likes which Leonard had never seen before and one he was not likely to forget.

He craned his neck sideways and noticed that, yes, he was high up on the crow's neck which resided on the third mast. That was _bingo_ he thought; he officially had been everywhere on the ship. The metal panel beneath him felt sturdy enough to not to drag him to the edge of an endless panic. Though, even looking at the simple double lined railings were enough to turn his stomach inside out, the fear rising from being too far up from the sea level after all was all too rational. Fixing his eyes upwards, Leonard decided to remain where he was, laid flat on his back, high above the upper deck.

A light shined from nearby, bothering him slightly. It was something he could ignore, though as with the movements of the ship, the light remained lower than the nest at times. There was a flag flapping around on the tip of the pole that continued upwards. Though it didn't block the view, the sounds it generated as the wind blew hard were distracting. Almost mesmerising enough to put him back to sleep. 

The itch on this forearm drew his attention. As he lifted his arm, he noticed the fresh burn had been reduced to an itchy redness. The skin was intact and mostly as smooth as it always been. Even the arm hairs were almost grown to full length.

Quickly he ripped apart the bandages on his other hand and witnessed the completely healed skin underneath his fingers. He touched the back of his head only to find the lump and the cut to be gone, leaving no evidence of any injury ever been sustained.

Every instinct in him yelled at the wrongness of the sudden healing of his skin. It was impossible unless... unless it was all a dream. _No!_ his logic screamed, the burn had hurt badly. He had smelled the scent of the burnt flesh and even passed out from the pain. It was real. As real as the rain showers of Liverpool. As real as the cold shores of Crosby. As real as the warmth emanating from Jim's body. It was not a hallucination, not a dream.

It was as real as it got. Truly. Honestly. Jim had been right.

He hadn't lied when he said he had believed in Jim, but it had been a gut feeling. First, he thought that the young captain's charm which did not necessarily work on Leonard had been a factor (Leonard smiled thinking of that). It was more than that; Now, he knew for sure. Hallucination or not, Leonard would rather follow Jim into the depths of a cold bottomless ocean than to wake up alone on another shore. The revelations of how much he trusted Jim was not news to him but it was at that time that everything clicked for Leonard. Their talk and finally coming clean with each, even to a degree, probably had something to do with it. Maybe, it was Scotty who triggered the whole thing and once his panicking mind slowed down and allowed him to breathe, then he was ready to move on.

The scrambled mess of his memories had been elusive and his own indecisiveness had caused nothing but mistrust towards those he needed to believe in the most. He should have realised it sooner and the more he thought about it, the clearer it got. His former crewmates had followed him into this almost real, yet somehow imaginary land for his sake. Jim, Scotty, Uhura and even Spock, even Christine had all put their lives at risk for him. And how had he repaid them? By running away from the one man who promised to make it all right... He was a proper mess.

He wondered briefly, if their endeavours, despite his newfound wishes, would be left fruitless. Leonard had witnessed their hushed talks and louder arguments. Hell, Jim hadn't even attempted to hide his last chat with Spock. And he knew, the crew, Scotty mostly, had been terrified of what was to come had they failed in their attempt to reach their destination. They had mentioned a time limit. They had been trying to reach a certain destination. And they had been unhappy with their progress.

His gaze bore into the sky as if expecting an answer out of the shining orbs billions of light years away; honestly, receiving an answer wouldn't surprise him at this point. _How long had I been out of it, he questioned the stars, How long had my stress and panic cost us? Did we lose too much time? Has my earlier wish to remain here became the truth? Did I become the reason that everyone got stuck in this non-reality?_

There were no answers. No blinks in the sky. No shooting stars. The sky and space beyond it remained silent as Lenard contemplated on what he had caused. Of what he had failed to do. But most of all Leonard feared that he might have ended up putting everyone in danger and not just himself, with his selfishness. 

And with his selfishness, he was left alone to gaze upon a starry sky.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Bones, I feel bad for tossing him around...


	20. Chapter 20

Jim was panicking. Uhura was panicking. Spock was relatively calm on the outside but Scotty suspected that from the way he squinted at the chronometer with a full focus that he was internally panicking. Being used to the chaotic environment of an ever crowded sick bay and having perfected the art of snap decision making, Chapel was the only rational and composed one of them all both externally and internally.

Scotty, on the other hand, felt an emptiness that no amount of Scotch could fill. His shoulders were slumped, his vision was blurred and his thoughts were everywhere. His good old ma who had the gentlest soul would be very scared for him if she ever saw his son in this state.

On an overall, everyone was a mess whether they showed it or not.

The crew or what's left of it was stuck on the bridge trying to figure a way around the temporal distortions that kept on happening. It turns out, the time did not always skip forward and at times, it actually moved backwards. Spock had explained that the reason for that was their constant movement with an increased speed where the machinery was no longer capable of tracking their coordinates due to heavy malfunctioning and was randomly spewing out the temporal adjustments at them. Most of those were Scotty's words translated from Spock's mostly incomprehensible explanation. What he really got from this was the lucky fact that at least the spatial corrections were still offline and they were able to remain en route.

Scotty would have been happy to hear that, had it been that sort of a day, but alas, it had begun a shite day and it was determined to end it the same way. He wasn't alone in hating the new development. The skipping random to times made it impossible to calculate an error margin for timing their remaining journey. Scotty suspected that it was Spock who had hated that particular matter the most.

The chronometer beside him showed twenty-three hundred. It didn't worry him much because only two minutes ago, it had been four in the afternoon and five minutes before that it had been noon. He no longer trusted the chronometers and opted to count the minutes best to his abilities. Even if he messed it up, he knew Spock was also in on it and he would help him get back on track.

The tension was high on the bridge as the clocks were ticking by menacingly back and forth and they were running out of time to reach the coordinates in time. Even if the chronometers of the machinery hadn't gotten the memo, they were still in a race against time and they were losing it.

Jim, of course, was furious about that. Well, not only that. There was the elephant in the room which no one had dared mention since their newfound hell race had begun; the delicate matter of McCoy. It had been a solid four hours since anyone had contacted the man, Jim being the last one to talk him. And it showed on his face. It really did. Jim's normally slack, but the arrogant face was furrowed in anger and concern. Scotty could count the number of white hairs that had grown on Jim's head as well as the worry lines that appeared between his eyebrows. The lad was in a bad shape and Scotty didn't want to blame McCoy but in truth, he inadvertently was the cause of it.

"How are we doing on our engine efficiency, Scotty?" Jim asked, startling the nervous man. He required a minute to compose himself, check the gauge for the correct readings and answer the captain's question.

"Everything's holding up, for now, Captain" Scotty reported while knocking on an irrationally stubborn gauge with a wildly spinning arrow to compose itself. It didn't work but it gave him a sense of importance over doing something other than panicking. "Barely..."

"Mr Scott, might I suggest heading down together to survey any potential damage done to the furnace after our improvements to the engine?" Spock interjected but Jim was quick to disperse the idea.

"No!" he almost yelled as he pulled open the Bridge door, "I'll do that. Spock, I need you to man the wheel in the wheelhouse. Or at least make sure that Jenkins is doing his job properly. The rest of you. Stay here and make sure everything works. We meet back in here in half an hour. By that, I mean the proper timeline of half an hour not whatever the hell these chronometers are showing."

"Aye, Captain"

"Jim," Spock called out before Jim could leave the room, "The relevant time is at twenty-three hundred. Even with my calculations, we have less than five hours to get the doctor back and escort him to the Bridge, assuming that there are no more time jumps in between. I suggest we find him as soon as possible."

"Thanks for the heads up, Spock. Uhura could you go and see if McCoy's in his cabin and or in the sickbay?"

"I will, Jim" she nodded and after sparing the rest of them a glance, together with Jim and Spock left the Bridge. That left Scotty and Chapel alone, in an awkward silence, making him realise that they never actually had had a conversation other than small talk. He cleared his throat in an attempt to ease the awkwardness but Chapel barely took notice, keeping her eyes glued to the dark sky outside.

"Ye alright, lassie?" he asked and she jolted out of her trance.

"Yes, Mr Scott. I'm sorry for my absentmindedness but I fear for Leonard. It's not like him to abandon his post, crew and his friends" She admitted. Scotty fully turned towards her, wanting to comfort the woman but his voice was stuck in his throat. He had no words. Last time he saw McCoy, Scotty had left without so much as a goodbye and now he regretted that, too. It seemed like it was becoming a common theme with them.

"You don't have to answer me" Chapel responded after a silent moment "I just wanted to say that I'm not comfortable waiting around. I am not really needed here and I wish to-"

"Whoa,  lassie. Ye thinking what I'm guessing? Ye can not go outside, no less alone. The Captain and Nyota are looking for him, best is to await their return"

"Well, I figured you'd say that but you aren't in a position to leave your post and follow after me. I am a nurse and I will go to where Leonard needs me even if he is too stubborn to admit it. Don't worry, I'll come back in half an hour"

"Nurse Chapel!" Scotty yelled after the fleeing woman as she yanked open the door and left him all alone in the Bridge.

He was about to start cussing when he noticed that one more of the gauge arrows went wild, spinning out of control before short-circuiting with sparks flying everywhere. The arrow settled down after the gauge died, switching off all of the buttons around it. Along with it, the other gauges started acting up and before he knew it, Scotty ended up with a handful of powered down displays groaning with dying screeches.

Oh, he really hated that day alright.

It took him the better half of the thirty minutes before he gave up on fixing the broken gauge and declared it dead. His diligent work provided no help in fixing the displays and with no access to any sort of computer, he had no means to sort this out. With everyone scattered to different parts of the ship, Scotty was stuck waiting in the Bridge by himself until someone returned.

*

After heading to a different hallway than Jim and Spock, Uhura took the stairs going to the passenger's deck and sprinted towards Leonard's cabin. She had a nagging feeling at the back of her head, something as usual per their voyage, was not adding up. She could never believe that Leonard would willingly and indefinitely run away from Jim. The captain had a streak of being overwhelming and demanding at times, his arrogance bordering on egomania and expecting everyone to accept and keep up with his antics. It was trying but they were the crew of Enterprise. They were the best and brightest. Jim believed in them to achieve whatever impossible odd he had picked up for them to fight, and he picked them accordingly.

Even most of the times the doctor and the captain failed to see eye to eye, especially when things got out of hand because of those choices, Leonard knew to trust Jim and backed him up more fiercely than anyone on the ship. From day one, the first time Uhura had witnessed the two walking hobos in that shuttle to share a drink, they had each other's back. They had grown together and even if Leonard hated to admit it, Jim helped him on that aspect as much as the other way around. For three years in the academy and then two more years living close quarters in their ship, Leonard and Jim had become something no one expected them to be. They were taking their time, but anyone on the Enterprise who was slightly observant would realise and agree to that.

Now, to see the pain behind Jim's crooked smile and the void of emotions behind Leonard's eyes were unbearable. Yet, despite when they tried to keep the captain away, it had been Leonard who had torn the place down to find Jim. No memories, no recollection of any his old crewmates and he had still reached out for Jim while pursuing an almost unattainable truth.

 _Admirable_ was the best word Uhura could use to describe Leonard. Like Jim, he got what he wanted too at the end. And to think that he was going to leave them, Jim and the Enterprise behind... no, it was not possible!

Something must have happened to Leonard and while Jim was busy trying to get everyone to safety, it was up to her to find the good doctor and unite the crew once more before it was too late.

*

Jim felt at ease somewhat with the solid presence of Spock behind him. There was no sign of life nor any motion on the ship except for the quakes created by the winds consistently getting aggravated and the waves throwing the ship around in accordance. He bumped into the walls and Spock more than once as they were thrown around but he didn't mind. It wasn't the worse situation he had been in since he made captain. Sinking alongside a ship in the middle of the ocean somehow sounded less dangerous and more acceptable than plunging down onto earth in a burning starship.

There was still the feeling of anger that resided within him which was directed at himself mostly. He wanted to find Bones and with that he hoped that the anger would dissipate along with it. Jim wanted to punch something and take his anger out on it until he cooled down and was able to think straight once more. Though he didn't think that was possible until they found Bones and ascertain that the ship was capable of getting them back home.

He didn't know whether Spock shared his opinions on the matter but his Vulcan friend seemed as shaken as he could ever be seen. With his brows frowning and lips pressed to a tight line, Jim speculated that Spock too was on the verge of tearing something down.

Fueled by frustration and impatience, the two of them reached the engine rooms fairly quickly. The heat which had accumulated in the main room was barely tolerable for Jim but Spock seemed unaffected mostly. Knowing his Vulcan physiology would allow Spock to move more freely in this environment, Jim allowed him to take the lead. As he followed Spock further into the belly of the engine room, the darkness and the increasing noise of the engine parts moving bothered Jim more than they should. Getting to the other side of the bright engine where the furnaces laid made it slightly better as his vision improved. The heat he could take. He was from Iowa, a little sun and a little heat were no match for him after all.

After Spock inspected the engine and the connection mechanism with Jim in tow, he came to a sudden halt, almost causing Jim to bump into his back. Jim quickly turned around to look at the metal cranes and figure out whatever problem that Spock had spotted to cause him to freeze so rapidly. To his surprise, the reason wasn't the engine nor the furnaces. Those were working in full force, with no damage at all. Although this confused Jim, he spared another moment checking the junctions of the machinery and squint his eyes at whatever the problem could be.

"Captain, please take a look at this" Spock called as he walked sideways and pointed downwards. There, on the ground laid a single cravat, too fancy to belong to anyone but to one of the guests and too lonely to belong to anyone but the only other person remaining on the ship.

*

The cabin was empty. So was the sickbay. The hallways, other cabins and even the dining room were all devoid of any existence of life. The whole ship was abandoned and all that there was an eerie silence. The ship functions remained normal, all lamps were lit and every cabin door was locked. As if this world continued on living without the people in it. As irrational as it was, she could sense the constricting grasp of a thing reaching out for her. It was the lack of life around, so unlike when she was on the Enterprise, that triggered her paranoia. Uhura tried not to let that get to her. Even if all the puppets of the simulation were gone, her dear Spock and her friends were still on board. There was still a chance to fight back.

There wasn't much she could do, she knew that. Finding Leonard proved to be a more difficult task than she had anticipated. Just moving her legs in the direction of her destination was a chore. There was too much emptiness around her, too much silence... She could almost hear the blood pumping in her veins. Every breath, every puff of air out of her lungs, distracted her but she kept reminding herself of Spock's determination and Jim's face in pain. It was enough to reignite her previous commitment to her mission and move forward.

Then she heard the echo of her footsteps. For one terrifying moment, she imagined an uninvited guest terrorising the hallways. In the split second that took her to reach the conclusion that such a case was not possible, she hoped that the footsteps belonged to Leonard. It turned out she was wrong on both accounts. As she rounded the corner and collided with Christine, Uhura realised a breath she had been holding in.

"Sorry, Nyota" Christine apologised as her hands roamed across Uhura's arms, checking for any wound or injury out of habit.

"I'm alright" she replied, "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for Leonard. I know I should have stayed back on the Bridge but I couldn't sit idly by doing nothing while he could be somewhere, hurt."

"I know the feeling, Christine" Uhura said with a tired sigh. The hair on the back of her head stood up as a shiver passed through her.

"Well, I checked this corner of the ship. He wasn't in the saloon, the game room or on the deck. Since he isn't with you I'm assuming you couldn't find him either?"

"No, I haven't. You know, something doesn't feel right. It's like there is something-"

"-amiss?" Christine finished her sentence "Like there is supposed to be a storm going on, yet we are not shaking at all?"

"Oh, that can't be good" Uhura replied "The silence before the storm?"

"I think it's happening again." she nodded in return "The time will skip forward once more!"

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *There was a bit going back and forth within timeline here which continues onwards to the next chapter, let me know if it's not clear enough!


	21. Chapter 21

"Did you hear that? It sounded like whimpering" Jim said as he practically ran towards the next room, only to find it empty of any life signs. He squeezed his fists, and unable to hold it in, he threw a strong punch to the side of the wall, his hand ineffectively bouncing off of the metal. "I was sure I heard someone just know!"

"Perhaps you have, Jim" Spock said calmer than before as he pushed past Jim and began surveying the area. Hearing the condescending tone in Spock's voice had never made Jim feel good but this time was an exception. While Jim was busy seeing red, he appreciated his friend and first commander to take charge and do the logical thing. As he approached the crouching man from behind, Jim could see the corner of a dark material which Spock was currently investigating. "Have you noticed, Jim? The storm has stopped."

"Yeah, so? It's not like this world is exactly stable"

"Please, gather your wits, Captain. You are letting your emotions cloud your perception."

"Spock, please just spit out whatever you are getting at..." Jim whispered while running a hand down his face. The heat and the steam weren't helping his annoyance.

"Does this belong to the doctor?" Spock asked lifting a dark grey blazer.

"Yes..." Jim whimpered and fell down on his knees. Spock didn't hesitate to hold out the clothing piece which Jim grabbed readily, cradling the blazer with a deadly force. "What the hell is going on, Spock?"

"I believe it is no longer only the temporal jumps we need to take into account, but also spatial displacements. As you have heard before, there was someone in here a moment ago. Having found both cravat and a blazer that belongs to Doctor McCoy, it is safe to assume that it was he who was here.

"We are looking at this optimistically and believing that Bones is teleporting inside the ship and not outside, yes?"

"Yes"

"He could be anywhere on the ship." The orange light from the furnaces flickered in the darkness, giving the shadows in the room a darker, scarier edge. The ship felt alive at that moment, despite being abandoned almost completely. He swallowed the saliva stuck in the back of his throat as Jim took a deep breath and lifted himself up from the ground. The blazer still smelled of Bones' sea-scented shampoo and cologne. He still hated that unfamiliar smell but somehow it was relaxing him. Reminding Jim of happier times they had had on this ship, giving him a hope where there shouldn't be any.

They were alone in the middle of the ocean, one man missing, with no ship in the vicinity and one chance of getting out alive and intact. Jim knew there was no time to whine, to cry nor to linger. They were going to get out of this loud ass engine room and find Bones.

"Let's go. We'll remeet everyone in the Bridge and spread out systematically from there onwards. Uhura is already taking care of the passenger deck. Even if Bones has reappeared there now, she'll find him. On our way back we'll check the upper deck"

"Yes, Captain"

*

The storm that began as suddenly as it had calmed worried Scotty to no extent. If the sky had picked out a mood and stuck to it, he would have been really grateful but alas the weather was a mean mistress. He hated being stuck inside with everyone searching for McCoy but he wasn't mad enough to tempt fate and step outside. Leaving the gauges alone was also no good as any minute the temporal disturbances could act up.

True to his words, it didn't take long for another storm to shake the ship, throwing Scotty across the Bridge and then calm down just as quickly. Caressing the bruised spot on his head, Scotty glanced at the madly spinning gauges and the randomly changing numbers of the chronometers, only to notice that the time now showed three am in the morning. This was no good. There was less than an hour left in this world's countdown for reaching their destination. He hoped that they were at least in the transmitter's radar and within its minimum diameter of teleportation.

Scotty trotted in the Bridge while worrying his lower lip, too busy being lost in thoughts that he didn't notice the sudden appearance of an additional shadow on the forecastle deck. He tapped on the indicators, some broken, some spinning wildly and only a handful of them working. The owner of the shadow changed position, casting down darkness in two split lines. It drew Scotty's attention then, as the two legs hanging down from the crow's nest moved up and down, stretching and narrowing the shadows. Sometimes disappearing completely as the ship continued to sail on wavy waters.

The crow's nest was located behind the bridge but there was enough light shining high around the ship that Scotty was able to locate that the origin of the shadows was there. From where he stood, that much could be seen. The chronometer in his head showed that the agreed thirty minutes had long since the past and no one had bothered to show up. He took a look around but there wasn't anything but the continuously moving black shapes outside.

Two possibilities popped up in Scotty's mind; either it was McCoy or it was one of the passengers. He wanted to hesitate and wait until someone returned to the Bridge but well, he had never been good with orders. It was also a direct violation of his orders from his captain but either way, he wasn't about to leave a person to his fate in this unpredictable weather. So, he gathered his coat and run out of the Bridge.

The blistering cold outside bit at his skin, but Scotty quickened his steps, running towards the nest. True enough, there was something up on the metal platform. It took the Scotsman a second to realise that there was a person on the nest and not a vengeful spirit of the sea who came to claim his soul. He couldn't see the who it was but he was certain that it was a human at least. He wondered when they had climbed up to the nest without him noticing. Then he remembered that they were not exactly in the real world.

"'ello?" he yelled towards the nest and caused the man to jump upwards, legs jerking. The rumpled hair on McCoy's head poked out first, followed by the rest of his face.

"Mr Scott?" McCoy called back and squinted his eyes at him. His fingers grasped the side of the nest, clearly, he was afraid of falling down but was doing his best to remain on his spot. He took one look downwards and noticed the high distance between him and the deck. Perhaps, in hopes to stabilise his balance, McCoy lifted his gaze towards the stars "It was dark when I found myself here but I gotta ask when the hell has it gotten dark?"

"'bout an hour or so ago, doctor"

"Makes sense" McCoy mumbled to which Scotty automatically responded.

"It does?"

"No, but what does make sense in this god damn world? So when it doesn't, it actually does. You get me?"

"No, doctor. I don't think I do" McCoy shrugged at him and returned to his star gazing. Scotty was amazed at how carefree he looked. It was as if he didn't...

"Hey, Scotty"

"Aye?"

"Are you real?" Scotty's breath got caught in his throat, a kind, an almost sad smile replacing his confused expression. There wasn't much he could do but to answer honestly.

"Aye, doctor"

"Good. Good... Because I don't think I can handle anything less tangible than that. You know-" McCoy began and his voice consistently cracked, unable to finish his sentence. From the suppressed sobs he was hearing, Scotty concluded that McCoy had finally reached his breaking point. Past the point of denial and anger, McCoy was finally accepting the reality or rather the unreality of the situation as heavy as it was.

"Ye wanna climb down, laddie? It cannot be too comfortable all the way up there." As much as he wanted to get the man's attention and convince him to come down before another storm hit the ship, Scotty was aware that it wasn't going to be an easy job. McCoy, very much like Kirk, was a man made out of stubbornness. As such he was expecting him to resist obliging him. What he wasn't prepared to hear was the question McCoy directed at him.

"Did I fuck it up, Scotty?" It baffled the Scotsman, unable to figure out where that line of thought came from. In his eyes, nothing that has happened could have been McCoy's fault. If anything the blame laid with him. The reason that man suffered was Scotty and he didn't even know it. In the absence of knowledge and a clear image of what had transpired, McCoy was left in the dark, and perhaps that's why all he could do was to blame himself. That was not fair. That couldn't be allowed to happen.

"A victim of incompetence 's what ye are, doctor. 'fraid it's my incompetence."

"How do you mean?" McCoy asked half-heartedly. He was peering down from the nest with his hands tightly gripping the sides and if Scotty wasn't about to apologise to the man for making his life into a living hell, he would have found the scene funny.

"A'm sorry, doctor; This whole mess is on me. I failed ye and the Enterprise" Scotty finally begin to confess in one fell swoop, words pouring out of his mouth and explaining everything that went wrong with McCoy's transportation and how it was all on him. He didn't take the time to regulate his breathing instead ending up ventilating by the time he had let it all out. He didn't realise the hot tears rolling down his cheeks until the harsh winds blew across the deck, the dried spots on his face feeling like needles being pricked on his skin. The extent of a heavy weight leaving his shoulders left Scotty drained and despite McCoy calling out for him he couldn't lift his head to meet the concerned gaze from up above.

At a silent moment, when even the sea waves decided to keep quite, McCoy's voice echoed on the deck "Did you mean to get me killed?"

"Of course not!" The Scotsman yelled back reflexively, "There is no way I'd do that!"

"Then why do you blame yourself?" McCoy was sitting on the platform now, his legs were hanging down once more and his arms were leaning on the railings. Scotty couldn't see his face because of the dark and the lack of movement from the higher lights but the man sounded serious as well as determined. "What's happened is done, Mr Scott, there is no need to apologise. I don't... No one here blames you but yourself."

"I caused so much trouble for my Lady and ye laddies. I'll resign if ye need me to do so, McCoy!" he whimpered, unable to bare even the lightened burden.

"Are you listening to me? I'm telling you, you're not to blame. Also, how could I be angry at someone who came all the way to a never-never land to save my ass? If anything I'm grateful, Scotty. I own you a bourbon or two!"

"If ye are so keen on that then ye'd know that ye aren't responsible either!" he said in return, finally lifting his gaze to meet McCoy's but to his surprise, the doctor was no longer there. Cutting himself short, he listened to the sound of hesitant footsteps climbing down the metallic steps through the back of the nest. As the flustered McCoy emerged from behind the large pole, he seemed grumpy with his face drawn to a pinch. Although he was moving out of the shadows like a damned ghost, he was still complaining about winds and unsteady walkways. It was a sight that Scotty welcomed with a warm, open heart.

 "That remains to be seen, no?" McCoy whispered,  "It depends on whether we can all leave in one piece" He stood before Scotty and boy, did he look like a proper mess; His hair spiking in every possible direction, eyes swollen, shoulders slouched, shirt covered in dirt, several bandages hanging from his wrist... He couldn't begin to ask how he could help to make it better.

And he wouldn't have time to that either. As the sky closed up with dark clouds covering it, the wind picked up and the waves started up to shake the ship. A loud thunder noise followed by a white lightening hitting the sea nearby, sent them crashing towards the railings, effectively scaring the shit out of them. They knew instinctively that they were almost out of time.

"Feel like deja vu?" McCoy asked huddling closer to Scotty, who in return gave his back to the pole and eyed the upcoming storm.

"Aye," he replied with more courage in his voice than there was in his bones, "and 'tis the part where we make a run for it!"

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Finally, they make up. That part took up longer than intended!


	22. Chapter 22

"Bones! Bones!!" Jim's screams echoed through the empty halls, remaining unanswered. Spock had gone to double check on the cabins residing in the front and left him alone to navigate the maze that was the hallways. Amidst the blackouts of the lamps and the quakes of the ship, which promptly reminded Jim of them running out of time rather quickly, Jim felt the approaching danger. He could sense it in his bones, as the rapidity of the blackouts increased and the ship nearly became a ghost ship with little to no passengers.

In the last few years, it had become a second nature to him to notice when things were going to go south and at times he could even tell how fast it was going to happen. This captain's intuition he had gained while serving on the Enterprise, had saved his ass many times before and now more than ever, he needed his instincts to kick in. He needed guidance for finding Bones and leading his remaining crew back to safety. Though asking for it was easy, there was no reply nor a sign. All around, all Jim could see was bad omens.

He released a deep sigh as he pushed open the glass doors of the dining saloon. His eyes unconsciously travelled towards their usual seats which resided in the middle and an unwarranted nostalgia found its way into his mind, embedding itself into his emotions. He heard the echo of a carefree laugh Bones had let out in his seat. He saw the tears of laughter on the corners of his beautiful hazel eyes. He felt the simple touch of their hands on the table.

It was all too much.

He threw himself out and closed the doors, leaning the back of his head against them. He wanted to, he needed to get away but he had a mission. A mission that was the most important one he had ever shouldered.

Uhura's encouraging resonated within him; He was James T. Kirk, the youngest captain ever to be appointed to a ship -the flagship, no less- and the man who was the human personification of being relentless and headstrong. Feeling be damned! It was high time he got his shit together and acted the ever bit of a captain that he was. If he couldn't muster up the strength to save his family as Jim, then he would do it as Captain Kirk.

Throwing open the doors a second time took more out of him but he ignored the pain in his heart. Even if Bones wasn't there, it wasn't the end of the road. It wasn't over.

He checked the saloon thoroughly, moving every table and looking around every corner. The storm outside increased in its intensity, shaking the ship nonstop and throwing chairs and light decorations around the saloon, making Jim's search both slightly easier and harder at the same time. With the dislodged tables and swinging curtains, he could clearly see the emptiness of the place, devoid of life, and ascertain that no one was there quickly. But every object which moved across the room tended to end up in his way, blocking his exit and threatening to bury him underneath it all.

With great care, he managed to navigate his way outside and into the strong wind. His body was being thrown around just as easily as the furniture, the heavy rain blurring his vision and handicapping him into slowing his motions. The chill he felt was because of the having been drenched in rain this time instead of the guilt that had been eating him from inside. Somehow that realisation encouraged him to move further into the deck, where the shake of higher ground lights created yet another obstacle in his search.

It was only when he walked out to the middle of the deck that he sensed a presence behind him. He braced himself for an attack that never came. Instead, a shriek rose and Jim held his heart, surprised at the sound.

"Captain!" yelled a secondary voice and Jim was jerked into action. He started running towards the sounds and just as he reached the end of the deck a massive wave appeared overhead. He only had a moment before he could grab a hold of the side of the mast and still himself against the strength of the wave washing over him. The ship swayed dangerously with the same force and Jim tumbled down until his back hit the railings sideways.

He couldn't open his eyes until the wave spilled back into the ocean and when it did, then Jim was able to feel the strong grasp around his wrist and shoulders. Uhura, pushed back against the railings like he was, was holding him on the tipping ship with all her might with Chapel hanging onto her and the railings, stabilising them both.

"Aren't you supposed to be at the Bridge by now?" Jim yelled, hoping to be heard in the storm.

"Sorry, Captain" Uhura replied "We took a detour"

"And Chapel?" He asked as he climbed to his feet once the ship straightened as much as it can amidst the crazed waves.

"I'll take full responsibility for doing as I wished, later, Captain" Chapel answered as she and Uhura followed Jim's actions and got up. "But I can't leave Leonard to his fate"

"We aren't going to, Nurse!" He shot them both a look and shook his head in the direction of the saloon, "Let's get back to the Bridge. We need to regroup." Jim had a feeling that, between the three of them, he was the most hopeful one. Bringing everyone together and debriefing every one of each other's actions was sure to put things in perspective. Make it easier to decide the next course of action.

"I'm afraid, we have more pressing matters, Captain!" Uhura said while pointing to the sky. Jim followed the line of sight but it was impossible to see what she was showing him from where he stood. So, he moved to her side and by the railings, he could clearly see the cracked first mast. It was hanging almost too loosely, not broken yet but bend in half enough to warrant fear.

"Isn't that thing made of metal? What the hell?"

"It's not the only one, Jim. The railings on the other side are just as weak and prone to bend with a simple touch. The matter in this world is being eaten away. Soon the whole ship will break apart!"

"It's the end of the line, so to speak" Chapel added in much to Jim's horror. He spared another glance at the mast, his body dangerously leaning over the railings. A loud thunder filled the air, followed by bright lightning hit the ocean.

"Wait!" He ordered, unfazed "There is someone there. I can see some weird shadows moving about. It could be Bones or even Spock! We have to check there first."

"Agreed"

"Right, new plan. You too go to the bridge and make sure we do not miss the coordinate points, I'll- "

"With all due respect, Captain" Uhura interjected him as she began walking, "It's a bad idea to split up right now. We can't go around alone if there is a risk of one of us falling behind due to the instability of the ship."

Once inside, Jim managed to frown at her and without having to yell he replied, "No, we get however many people we can to leave this place. Even if I get left behind, I'm not allowing you to suffer the same consequences. I made a choice to risk my life to find Bones. I won't ask you to do the same. Enterprise needs you."

"Leonard needs us, too." Chapel replied without looking back "You aren't the only one who cares for him, James. We all want our friend back."

"Also, we couldn't let our captain galavanting and throwing himself into the depths of the ocean without any backup"

"I can't guaranty your safety" Jim said, following his two officers through the hallway. When he saw no hesitation in their posture and no way to compromise, he relented, fully understanding their reasons for staying. "If we are doing this, then let's do it right and quick. No one gets left behind!"

"Aye, Captain!"

*

 It was easier said than done, Jim came to realise as he along with Uhura and Chapel ascended the stairs connecting to the deck and the wind of the storm hit them harder than before. He lost his balance with the unexpected strength of it and his feet slipped from under him. The waves hit the side of the ship relentlessly, the deck was filled with seawater and with each passing minute, all water that wasn't dripping down the sides accumulated in the middle. It would be a dangerous walk to cross the deck without any safety measures while the ship continued to shake and the waves kept on hitting the ship.

Jim couldn't even lift his head to look at the thunder clouds up above but he knew that they were pitch black and the rain was nowhere near close to easing up. Instead of up, he focused his gaze forward and to his surprise, Bones was there, hanging on to the railing while slouched over them. A sudden bolt of joy covered his chest and he could feel himself smiling.

"Bones!" he yelled towards the man who replied with half turning his head and shouting something back to Jim in return. Jim couldn't hear his voice nor see his face but he appeared determined to hang on to the railings with all his might. It was a smart decision everything considered.

"Be careful, Captain" Uhura called out "If you are not careful, you'll get whisked away with the force of the upcoming waves!" He couldn't argue with that.

"You two stay here. I'll make a run along the railings and help him walk back!"

"Captain, wait!" This time it was Chapel who stopped him and despite his annoyance, Jim halted his step to listen to her, "His posture is not right. I don't think he is the one holding on, but rather he is holding someone from falling down!"

Eyes as large as marbles, Jim quickly turned his head to where Bones was standing and saw that Chapel was right. Bones' legs were bent forward and his back was arching as if he was trying to lift someone. For a dreadful second, Jim hoped that it was another ghost of the ship, some leftover passenger who hadn't gotten erased but deep down he was aware that they wee never that lucky and the person Bones was so desperately latching onto was either Spock or Scotty. Either was a bad enough situation that Jim wasn't going to waste time fearing.

"Hold on, Bones. I am on my way!"

"I'm coming too!" Uhura said as she followed Jim. Together they threw themselves towards the railings and grabbed the metal. Both of them were already soaked, their coat doing very little to protect them from the harsh weather. The biting cold of the wind on their wet skin would have been enough to halt any person but neither Jim nor Uhura was overly concerned about it. They simply lacked the time to worry about themselves.

Holding onto the slick metal was a chore. It was slippery and too short for Jim's liking. On top of that, the waves rousing from both sides of the deck and when they splashed on them, it felt like they were being hit with buckets of ice water. It took them a while and by the time they reached half way, Jim could barely hear Chapel's voice from behind them. He spared a glance backwards, worried about her well-being and seeing Spock standing beside her was a weight off of his shoulders. At least he was safe and sound, although he was also soaked to the bone and shivering with the cold.

Jim nodded at the two of them and when Spock attempted to join them, he stopped him with a raised hand. Uhura had also turned around at that point and combined with the determined look on her face, Spock agreed to stay put. Jim then pointed to the Bridge, silently asking him to secure their transportation pathway and in a millisecond his first officer understood what he meant without uttering a single word.

There was no time to wait for confirming that Spock and Chapel had left for the Bridge, Jim knew that they would ensure that everyone who would be able to return. He reached out for the next part of the railings without any hesitation and in no time they managed to reach Bones.

"I've got you!" Jim yelled, half startling Bones and the man whose arm he was holding. It saddened Jim to see that it was Scotty who was stuck in this predicament but was also happy to know that they had made it in time to help them both.

Bones made a troubled face at Jim. He was grabbing Scotty beneath one armpit and through his waist, over a broken rod of the railing. The poor Scotsman was stuck between the last metal rod of the railing and the hull, barely in a position to move without the risk of falling into the ocean, the strong waves and the slippery metal coating of the ship forming a deadly combo. They would have to be extremely careful of not dropping him.

Jim circled around Bones, touching his tense back as a means to calm him down on his way to his other side. Uhura was quick to see through his plan and reached downwards, circling her arms around Scotty's waist and securing him in place while Scotty put one arm around her shoulders. Jim slowly eased Bones' grasp from Scotty's waist, giving Uhura a better access to hold him. The ship shook with a particularly strong wave and they were pushed into the corner of the hull. He heard someone gasping for air and they all had a collective heart attack when Scotty slipped further down. He quickly, guided Bones' free hand to his belt while he leapt forward to grab Scotty's legs. Bones let go of Scotty's armpit, in favour of stabilising Jim and with one uncomfortable movement, they pulled Scotty up, causing him to land face-first onto the hull, half on top Bones.

One of them let out a hearty laugh and Jim joined in, momentarily forgetting the storm. That would be rectified in a second but until then Jim allowed himself to be proud of the way they saved their friend and appreciate Bones' tired but pleased smile. Jim was not ready to move just yet so he remained on his knees, while Bones laid down on the hull, expectantly looking up at him with that slowly growing smile.

He had wanted to see it so much that when he actually witnessed it, Jim froze on spot, unresponsive to the storm ripping the sky apart and all his focus fully on the man who made his heart flutter in its cage. He reached out instinctively and was surprised to have Bones extend a hand out to him, fingers intertwined midway from each other.

"I'm glad you are okay, Bones" Jim whispered, unsure whether Bones would be able to hear it.

"You, too, Jim" he replied while his messy hair danced in the pool of water beneath his dark locks. Lazy smiles were exchanged and his sentiment was reciprocated. Jim felt invincible.

"Captain!" The sudden screams of Uhura and Scotty snapped both men out of their trance. He felt the shift under his feet and he tried pulling Bones to a stand, but it was too late. The ship tipped on one side, and instead of balancing itself, it kept on raising. It then changed direction, falling on one side, only to rise up the other side. Jim shot out a hand only to fail in grabbing the railing at the last second. As the ship angled upwards, they slid downwards.

Scotty managed to stop Uhura from going overboard when they reached the far end. They were closer to the exit than Bones and Jim who were on the ground near them but just out of an arm's reach.

"Get out!" he ordered them as he gathered himself up from the hull and hauled Bones up once more. The third wave hit them unexpectantly, heavily unbalancing the ship and throwing them towards the middle of the deck. He could feel the warmth of a hand behind his head for a moment before the biggest wave  Jim has ever seen up close rose above them, striking the hull and capsizing the ship with a single hit.

Jim never saw what had become of Uhura and Scotty, but what he did see clearly was Bones' panicked eyes and his extended hand reaching out to him as together, they sank to the bottom of the ocean.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, the mighty climax!! This was a delight to write.  
> Since the holidays are around the corner, my parents will be visiting me and I still gotta write a thesis so this will be my last update before the New year's day (or rather week). Hope you enjoyed the chapter!  
>   
> Happy Holidays, everyone!!


	23. Chapter 23

Throughout his life, James T. Kirk had been the centre of trouble. Sometimes he had created the trouble and sometimes he had been dumped right in the middle of it. Most likely than not the case had been the former rather than the latter since he had neither been a well-behaved kid nor a responsible young adult. People around him too tended to blame him when things went south and his erratic, at times damn near unstable behaviours were usually attributed to him growing up in the absence of a father and a negligent mother. He opted to believe that if his coming up was related to the people around him then the fault laid with his overbearing uncle who was more concerned with his reputation than his family and disappointment of a brother who had left despite a young James begging him not to. In the end, it didn't matter as he grew up and noticed that regardless of the cause, being troublesome or not, people tended to leave his side.

In time, he'd grown used to being abandoned. That, he could handle, being left behind without a care to his well-being. That, he had learned how to deal with at a young age.

It was in his later years when he met people who swore off the very thought of abandoning him that James understood what it meant to care for other as well as himself. His self-destructive personality calmed down a notch after he was given the Enterprise and a crew that was loyal to them both. He knew if any journalist or any Starfleet official asked he would tell them that the flagship of the federation had made a strong, reliable leader out of him even before he was the captain. He would explain how Pike, the first person to trust him not to destroy himself and everyone around him, the last person to die in his arms, had given him the confidence to evolve from his bullshitting bravado into self-worth and strength.

He would continue to explain further about his decision in regards to Spock's and how his mostly adverse but complementary acts and beliefs had allowed him to see new perspectives and grow in ways he had not considered before and would not being able to consider them in his absence.

Then, he would scream at the world that for the first time in his life, someone had sneaked into his life, altering his and the whole wide world's destiny by one measly decision. Despite not being obliged to, despite if found out, risking the penalty of discharge from the fleet, Leonard H. McCoy had refused to abandon him. Even when Pike was exasperated and Spock was dubious, Uhura was indifferent and Enterprise was someone else's Lady, it had been Bones who stopped mid-step in the hangar, grabbed his lonely hand and sneaked him abroad the ship while disregarding all regulations in the process. The first one to come back for him before even fully leaving him behind. The first one to lead him towards what will be their home, their future and their family.

With that simple act, James owed the world to Leonard and Jim knew that he would forever be in Bones' debt for seeing the afraid little boy in him and choosing him over everything the world had offered.

It was in the small things that showed the depth of their bond, Jim would later realise, as Bones fixed his injuries up and bickered with Spock without caring about ranks and focusing on the people wearing them. Even after he was made captain, he was still Jim, the trouble maker, pain-in-my-ass Kirk to Leonard. And he was 'Trust me on this! You'll thank me later, Bones' to Jim. 'Please, don't get mad at me' usually left unsaid but understood via silent glances they exchanged. Every time when Bones scoffed at him, Jim would know that regardless of the complaints he would end up suffering through, Bones would never leave his side. He would never abandon him in any condition. From the depths of his heart, he knew he would never leave Bones behind either, that was not even in question. Ever.

Jim trusted in that notion far too much and never considered the more unbelievable aspect of their lives coming to an end; with Leonard being the first one to die, without Jim having any means to help. Without him even realising that it had happened. Bones slipped through his finger before he even could notice it...

So, when it did happen, for real, it left his heart scarred. Fear embedding it's roots deep within his mind and clawing at his conscious while echoing the same sentence over and over again.

_It was your fault!_

The first minute, he had spent not believing a word coming out of Scotty's mouth. The next hour, he had gone over every possible explanation of how Bones could have disappeared without a trace. The first day was spent equal amounts of agonising over his disappearance and working himself to death without a break. After the first contact with the natives, he had been crushed and defeated by a force he never considered as dangerous and by the end of the first meeting with the admiralty on how to proceed, Jim was left a hollow shell of his former self. Lifeless and shallow.

He recalled the way his crew eyed his tired movements with wariness, on the third day. They had been considered enough to let him try his damnest while he still could and hang onto every last bit of hope he could muster up to have. They had given him the time and space to gather his thoughts at those precious few days when anything was possible. Sulu and Chekov had taken over the ship controls without him realising, Uhura contacted the natives in regards to helping them out, Spock had helped with negotiations and arranging the away team, making sure no one else was lost. Christine and M'Benga had taken the charge of the medbay and Scotty, the poor man whom Jim was only second to when it came to burdening the blame, had focused his efforts in checking the engines and the transportation device over and over again until M'Benga had ordered a bed rest co-signed by Jim himself. Soon after that Jim had shared the same fate having been sent to his quarters by mutual decision of the admiralty, Spock and the remaining doctor in charge.

Even desperation was better than indifference, he came to remember that after Uhura had scolded him the first time around about giving up but then it was too late and Bones was confirmed as dead by their remaining medical officers and the native scientists. By the time the first week had come to an end he was a mess who had been forced to leave the Bridge due to being emotionally compromised and unable to resume his duties in good conscious.

Jim hated remembering those days he had spent fruitlessly searching for Bones. He was faced with his own failures and made to recall all the times he had ended up as the centre of the trouble whether he intended or not. His shortcomings and failures came at him and overwhelmed his senses all at once when he was left alone in his unnecessary large and lonely cabin. The darkness playing tricks on his mind and dragging his already crawling self-esteem even lower. Hopeless, helplessness and anger mixing together to create a most fatal drug that he could never get rid of from his system alone. Dragging him into the pits of self-hatred with the assistance of a bottle while staring at the void that was space.

It had been a complete and utter waste of time, he had learned later on and of all the things to anger him, it had been his own selfish, lazy and despicable ass that had hindered the search for Bones for those pitiful days, that had frustrated him. He hated being helpless sure but what he despised more than that was the fact that he had given up on Bones and left him to his fate in the hands of a bunch of incompetent scientists.

It didn't take long for his self-directed anger to flare and attempt to crush the natives for keeping Bones locked up and away from him while they knew he had been removed from his duty. If it hadn't been for the good people that made up his crew, he would have trashed and hurt everyone in that so called facility, forcibly taking away what was left of Bones. Once Spock had interfered however, Jim was forced to calm down and look at it from that different perspective the Vulcan had been showing him since their first day on Enterprise. Remembering the encouraging words of Pike and the faith that Bones had in him, Jim had been able to let go of his more than understandable hatred and focus on what mattered. That was bringing Bones back; Bringing back the first person who held his hand with pure intentions and a heart full of compassion, love and care for Jim without minding the consequences that could befall him. The one person who never hesitated to dub Jim his friend and captain, calling him out on his bullshit, guiding him trough dark times and always lending him a helping hand.

Now, it was his turn to extend his hand and reach out. No matter what awaited them in their unknown future, Jim would never leave Bones' support without reciprocating the motions. In the quakes of the ship and the maddening splash of the waves, it was all he had left to give; his life on the line and a hand left hanging.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was a long time waiting after the cliffhanger! Sorry about the delay, and although it's a short chapter, enjoy.  
> Hope you had a good holiday as I did!  
> Not many chapters left so I'll be updating very soon.


	24. Chapter 24

Jim didn't feel the coldness of the waters of the ocean nor he saw the darkness closing in on him as he delved deeper into the blue. There was nothing to it really, no reason not to reach out and jump in after Bones. Even the normally piercing bite of the sudden cold meant nothing to him. The pressure rising in his head, the darkness creeping up from the sides of his eyes were meaningless in the grand scheme of things. It was because he saw him. His Bones. His Leonard. Sinking into the shadows of the ocean, leaving behind Jim and the surface with a treacherous speed.

His eyes were closed as Jim noted, his full focus was on Bones' dull, unresponsive face. A few air bubbles left Bones' mouth and then Jim did the same as he clapped his feet and propelled his body forward. Willing his full being to move faster, to be better than what he could currently provide for him.

The silence of the ocean was infuriating. It gave a sense of slowing time down and making Jim watch as his best friend died a second time, disappearing in the water instead of the air this time around. The edge of the black threatened to take over him as the weak light from the ship was left behind and the wave currents swept away Bones further from Jim's grasp.

Jim let out an accidental whine leading to a desperate gasp of air. More bubbles left his mouth as the breath in his lungs decreased dangerously. His eyes stung and watered, hurting with the salty waters and the burning in his chest. He was so far away from Bones, yet his body still dared to protest about reaching his limits. He knew he was better than this. Hell, even if he wasn't, he owed it to Bones to be better than this.

With a strong kick of his feet under water, he followed up the same current as Bones and felt tingling at his fingertips. He assumed it was the numbness setting in from asphyxiation but as he came to notice the white energy modules appearing around his arm, he noticed that he was way off. Instead of dying trying to save Bones, he was being whisked away right before he could reach his dearest.

During the panic of the moment he feared, he pushed his limits. The burning sensation spread to his legs and the built up pressure threatened to crush his skull. He didn't care, he had more important people to think about. Dismissing the fear settling deep in his gut and the cold enveloping him in his deadly grasp, Jim lurched forward one last time before the ocean won and Jim lost all his senses along with his consciousness.

*

Waking up was unpleasant on a good day for Jim. Waking up with a couple of strangers he had no intention of befriending further always lead to awkward yet manageable mornings. On the other hand, waking up in the sickbay or in a hospital, always promised a full scolding from both Spock and McCoy. Both, he tended to dread equally. Both, he adored to no end.

He wanted to crack open his eyes and ready himself for the upcoming scolding. He wanted to hear the footsteps stomping around and the lighthearted complaints muttered under breath. Yet, his wishes were not granted. Instead, the very first sound reaching his ears was the dreadful silence that begotting only sad beginnings. A machine bipped to his left. Another one let out a whine. His arm felt too much like a rock to lift and the bed underneath creaked loudly when he tried, almost as if it too was protesting against his awakening.

Gathering his bearings, he decided to oppose the bed. As he squinted his eyes and forced himself to take in his white, sterile surrounding, heavy with the scent of chemicals, a fear clasped its cold hands over his chest. This time his heart felt heavy with a whole other reasoning than what he usually expected out of his risky adventures. He turned his head hoping to catch a glimpse of a familiar posture, broad shoulders and brown head. Still, there was no one.

His eyes roamed over the room frantically as soon as he was able and a dread settled in as he found it empty save for his bedridden self. Ascertaining that was almost as bad as waking up.

The missing sensations returned in his left arm once his initial panic subsided. Despite being alone, there was no reason to fear the worst. No reason to think that they had failed. No reason to think that after everything they had gone through, after everything they tried, they still lost Bones. Left him in the bone-crushing depths of a fake ocean, drifting alone and in the dark. With no one to hold his hand, no one to guide him back ashore. No breath, no sight. Nothing but the deafening silence and the hellish cold.

Jim threw his body down the bed, using whichever muscle he could muster to control. The impact with the ground was cushioned by his left arm but an exploding pain in his chest blackened his vision. There was a distance sound of the machinery bipping with an out of control tune. Hurried footsteps followed soon after, joining the fray of loud noises. There were people crowding him, he could tell that much but he was unable to push away their grabby hands, unable to free himself from being dragged back onto the biobed and put under a heavy dose of sedatives.

It would take him another thirteen hours to wake up once more. This time around, he would not be alone.

*

Scotty took one look through the glass windows of the Intensive Care Unit and turned his head away, dragging his heavy feet and heavier heart along with him. What he saw in that white room was nowhere near the worst-case scenario he had feared for his friends but it was a far too close call. Having almost turned into a complete wreck of a situation. Thankfully averted, at the last second which he was not going to forget soon.

Scotty disliked the chemical scents of the sterile hospital like many people did and was sure that it was going to be bothering everyone who had came by to check up on their captain or any of the other occupants of the hospital -There were more of their people placed under the hospital care than he had hoped, landing team included. The scents were even stronger in what could have been the biggest ICU of any hospital he had personally been in. Its maze-like structure and tall ceiling causing people to feel dwarfed. Yet because of everything the hospital represented, a range of variants including Leonard's profession and Jim's rage echoing through its halls, Scotty felt like he was suffocating. No wonder Nyota had agreed to switch watch with him a few hours earlier without a fuzz.

The so-called doctors of the Tendala Colony passed him by, eyes averted as if they were afraid of Scotty's wrath they were sure to suffer, had they made eye contact. They probably wanted to tell him off and drive him from the ICU part of the hospital, claiming that he had no right to be there as a mere Engineer yet the fear of confrontation had tied their tongues for good. They had lived through Jim's unkempt fury, Spock's cold exasperation and Nyota's fiery determination. They might as well suffer in silence and in expectation of the Scotsman's rage. Not that Scotty was going to act on that thought, it would be highly undiplomatic at this point, but he enjoyed their cowardice immeasurably, nevertheless. One could hardly blame him at that point. Jim would even join him in making the doctor's lives harder, had he woken up.

Speaking of Jim, he hated the waiting most; out of commission and helpless. Even being questioned by the Federation council was preferable to aimlessly wondering about. It was odd that he was still believing that after his briefing which had happened earlier that day. The council hadn't been amused and Scotty didn't blame them. He didn't blame Sulu and Chekov either for their flustered sighs when they were told the rest of the events following their departure. It had been a trying week for them all in the real world and Scotty only wished for it to come to an end, happy or otherwise.

After the seventh corner he rounded, Scotty ran into Spock who had made himself a mission of circulating between the rooms of his crewmates with a relentless passion; Intently observing, carefully guiding and thoroughly annoying the medical staff while doing his rounds. He didn't give way for any excuses and didn't let anyone cut corners. If there was a complication, Starfleet was contacted immediately. If someone even glanced sideways, Spock gave them a piece of his mind, effectively shutting them up for good. Had he been involved with the medical track more, he was sure to chase away every last one of them and take charge himself. Scotty gained a whole new level of respect for the Vulcan.

Scotty took a moment to compose himself, straightening his spine and fixing his less than ideal haircut into looking slightly more presentable. The purpose was to appear less apologetic, less ragged and more determined. Spock's displeasure was made evident to all and Scotty didn't wish to aggravate it further.

"How are you feeling, Mr Scott?" Spock asked before Scotty could.

"Better than most people in this ward, Mr Spock" he answered, as his Vulcan friend separated his gaze from the deadly pale figure behind the glass and fixated him with a tired look.

"That is somehow difficult to agree to, seeing how you can barely lift your head up while you walk." Was his reply as they began walking forward, reaching to a newly built, crowded room.

"'least I can still walk around" Scotty turned his face towards the thick glass surface, looking at but not through the window opening up into a room filled with machinery he failed to recognise. Amongst the rubble of metal, a single biobed was laid with a bronze coloured cover atop it. The vitals were connected to and beneath the device, he assumed to the reanimation apparatus. What went on within that thing remained a mystery to Scotty more so than to Spock.

"Indeed, Mr Scott" Spock was silent for a moment as they awkwardly stood around. There was a question at the tip of his tongue, Scotty could tell but the engineer wasn't the person who could have provided the answer. The person for that question was lying seven corridors away, on the other edge of the floor. Scotty wouldn't try to act in his stead.

"How long more?" he asked to fill in the silence.

"I assume you meant, how long Dr McCoy would require to recover and join us?" Scotty nodded as Spock let out a poorly hidden sigh.

"Bones..." A low whine drew both their attention from the shadows. Scotty jumping out of his skin as Jim, accompanied by Nyota who was supporting him by his waist, leaned on the nearest wall. He was pale and out of breath, his white hospital gown and shoes making him look iller than he really was. Though not by much.

"Jim!" Scotty whooped, running up to the limping man and trapping him with a bear hug, effectively separating him from Nyota's arm. Jim whizzed slightly but kept his posture, unwillingly to show any weakness in front of his crew even though they were closer to him more so than family. Knowing this, feeling the rough hug back from his captain, Scotty let out a small laugh.

"Captain, 'm glad to see you up and about but should you be out of the bed? How're ye even walking around; yer legs'd be numb!"

"He wouldn't take no for an answer" Nyota chipped in, exhausted but somehow pleased with Jim's tendency to keep himself up.

"I'm fine, Scotty. How about-" He lifted his eyes to meet Spock's, seeking comfort and answers.

"Welcome back, Captain"

"Spock" Jim greeted, one arm around Scotty's shoulders, the other held closely by Nyota, "Bones; what's his condition? Did we, did he-"

"Fret not, Jim" Spock answered gently. A tone Scotty was not used to hearing from the Vulcan yet sounded sincere all the same. "Leonard is in good hands. In the twenty hours that you have been asleep, we have taken any and all precautions in order to ascertain his full recovery. I have read every document and file the Tendalans have provided. I have considered most aspects of what could interfere with the reanimation process or what could inhibit his recovery, yet I do not have a satisfactory answer to your question. Tedious as it may be, the procedure is an experimental method and as untested and novel as it is, the Tendalan and Starfleet scientists are... hopeful." 

"Feels more like they are working with a hit or miss method..." he muttered in response, rubbing his hands together and shaking his head. Trusting the local scientists was a difficult feat still. He grasped Scotty shoulder strongly, urging him to walk towards the window, "Is he really in there somewhere? It's impossible to tell within all that metal."

"His genetic material and brain waves were successfully synchronised. However, his condition is not yet stable. He must still be brought back from the simulation state. For now, he is in between phases, in a loop of dematerializing and rematerializing. "

"He is phasing in and out of existence!" Jim sighed "If that's true then, he has escaped from inside the simulation?"

"Quite right, Captain. All that is left is to wait" Spock approved and Scotty decided to intercept the conversation.

"He'll be back but it will require time, Jim. We must be patient."

"When have I not been patient?" Another silence followed his statement. By that point, Scotty had gotten used to the awkwardness of the situation. "Uhura told me that there are a few more of our people that have been hospitalised. What's their situation?"

"Stable. The primary landing team had suffered minor injuries due to the storm. The secondary team we had sent after Leonard were in a worse condition but there are no fatalities."

"I am glad they are alright" he responded "I should not have sent them in that weather. This is on me."

"Ye did what ye thought was right, laddie. Had the situation been different, acting any slower'd 've  been worse. All's worked out now, so rest assured that no one blames you."

"Thanks, Scotty" Jim said, leaning on him for support. The exhaustion was finally catching up to him.

"Perhaps, you should rest, Jim. The Council requested to interview you as soon as you were able. Sleeping before they call on you would be wise."

"Worried about me, Spock?" Jim teased but was too tired for the mischief in his words to reach his eyes.

"Leonard would want to see you well-rested, too" Nyota said as she laid a soothing hand on his back.

"Then get me a room in this corridor. Actually that one." he pointed towards the room with the large window across from Leonard's.

"I believe that is one of the rooms reserved for ICU patients in critical condition" Spock began yet was forced to change his tune after two sets of glares thrown his way. "But seeing how most of this floor is empty I am certain we can arrange something"

"'Course we can" Scotty chirped in, grabbing Jim's arm and guiding him towards the mentioned room "We put the fear of the devil in 'em! Ye just mind yer body and take it easy. Then the whole crew can feel at ease for the days to come, too."

"Then, when we get Bones back, we'll leave this damned place so fast that they'll eat our dust"

"Aye, Captain!"

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long overdue chapter to the cliffhanger. I hope you enjoy it!!


	25. Chapter 25

Drowning. It was the only sensation he could feel. He was drowning. Suspended in low gravity. Water everywhere. Salt getting through his every orifice. Surrounding his body, his senses and even his lungs. There was a distinctive lack of sounds. Almost enough to cause him to panic but then again, he wasn't sure he would sense it.

Thoughts muddled, mind ruptured. Head afloat. Blank.

No, not blank. Too much information. Sensory overload. Everything happening at once, while nothing really happened at all.

Itsy bitsy memories scattered all over. Abundant yet broken. Trying to connect the dots to make up a picture but there were simply too many of them. Like the stars in the night sky, everlasting to the human gaze. Brilliant in their own way yet indistinguishable from far away. Present but unseen.  

Feelings were attached to some of those memories; anger, misery, desolation, exasperation, happiness, love. Mostly sadness with joy seldom sprinkled between the moments. Giving him hope and a stronger reason to keep going towards the future.

A flash of a blond hair, bright blue eyes; a sight warming his insides... Feeling of something more tangible. Rather someone. Amongst the fading light, he had caught a glimpse of a hand stretched out. The hand fighting to reach him and to save him. A hand he would gladly take on his own, had he managed to extend it back on time. 

After the nothingness of the ocean, a static noise filled the silence. Then his ears were ringing like a bomb had gone off nearby. Why was he familiar with that notion? Why did he know what the brain shaking after-effects of an explosion felt like? Another scrap of a memory presented itself, now appearing with sound albeit being blurry. The high heat and the loud sound overwhelmed him but for a moment. Then the ringing stillness was once more.

 _Bones!!_ Echoed from beneath the accumulating memories. _Dr McCoy! Leonard!_

He recognised them, the names and the ones calling out to him, right down to the octaves they used. He opened his mouth to respond but only air bubbles left. He was still submerged, still drowning. The voices were insistent. Ravenous in their quest to reach him. Penetrating through the layers of water with a resolution he was not sure he was worthy of.

_Stay with me, Bones! Wake up, please... We're all waiting for you, Doc. You sure are taking your time, Leonard. We are awaiting your return, Doctor._

Words were coming back to him. Finally, with the help of those calling out to him, he was able to decipher the echoes. There was something more behind the voices, though. Dread and confusion accompanied a nasty feeling he failed to comprehend.

Failed... Botched... Futile... What was it? How had he come to circulate those words that all meant the same? Something he had done must have failed or was it something that was done to him? Maybe it was related to the voices and they had the answers he sought. He pricked up his ears to catch some more words. It was all silent now that he needed to hear them but he didn't hold it against them. His people had done more than enough for him already.

Failed... Botched... Futile... What had he failed? Many things, surely... For one, teleportation.

_I trust my Lady more than anyone else, she will not let us down! As soon as the storm gives it a break, ye'll be good to go._

Failed... Botched... Futile... Secondly, there were the matters of losing his memory and being unable to perform essential actions, weren't there?

_Oh, I didn't realise your amnesia was that bad. Well, what do you remember?_

Why, though? Why had he forgotten things and the most basics of his everyday activities? He had to read the signs and determine the reasons behind it.

_Your next subject is concerning the post-mortem anatomy of humans. For this lecture, I have invited my dear friend and an esteemed surgeon from America, Dr McCoy._

Failed... Botched... Futile... Memory loss or otherwise, he was a doctor. If anyone, it should be him who could diagnose the illness from the symptoms. He had cured many impossible diseases, even found a way to cheat death itself for a friend, once.

_What is death but the beginning of a whole new cycle for what's left of our flesh and bones? The carcass of our bodies being shaped by earth and air around us, no longer abiding by the rules of the living but instead decaying and becoming part of another world entirely._

Of course, he remembered then... He had failed to die. His body parts had been spread out all over the surface of Tendala and his atoms had scattered around with the force of the wild storms. He had died. He was indisputably and irreversibly dead. Yet, there he was. His consciousness was awake. What else was needed? Oh, yes. A heartbeat, a breath, a brain that functions. He had those, too. In the far away corners of his vast mind, amidst the echoes of the voices, the weight of his body made itself known as he recalled the little details about being alive. A tingling pain on his back arose as his shoulder tensed. The crushing pressure of the ocean was long since gone but it left behind a headache and numb limbs.

Unable to open his eyes, he tried tossing around in order to relieve the pain. He failed at something yet again. Just as he had given up on relinquishing the emptiness surrounding him, he breathed in floral and sweet scents resembling of the flower beds in Sulu's garden, colouring the dull blackness with a tinge of orange. Odd as it was, the scent calmed him. His impatience and distress died out.

He followed the scent of the flowers and soon the pull of the real world grew stronger and the darkness dissipated, a bright light taking its place. Waking up had never been so tedious, maybe except for that one morning after he and the rest of the crew had downed a cask of Saurian Brandy. Despite his body protesting, his eyes fluttered open with that pining weight following after without missing a beat. 

Leonard recognised the single hospital room his body was resting in. The reality kept up with his brain as it did with his body. He was very much alive and so very much in pain. He closed his eyes to gently breathe through his nose and reconnect with the world, adjusting his wildly spinning senses back into order. It was a tricky task. He was groggy. His eyes stung but mostly, his limbs were deadweight, lying on his sides and ignoring his commands.

His eyes were the only parts that listened to his will. His sight remembered how to focus and as haziness cleared, he glanced at the bedstand to observe a bouquet of orange, sphere shaped flowers. "It was a mum" he whispered to himself unaware of the sharp eyes directed towards his face, "Adorable..."

"To be more precise, it is the chrysanthemum flower which honours the cycle of life as it begins a new or one that ends gracefully. It symbolises loyalty and love from friends, support after facing impossible odds and surviving great ordeals."

"Very poetic meaning, Mr Spock." Leonard slurred. He felt like he was dead and he really wasn't that far off from the truth as words were forced out of his lungs with great difficulty, "But beyond that, very thoughtful of you to get me flowers."

"I will relay your regards to Mr Sulu who has kindly brought them over from his delicately grown batch in the ship gardens."

"Figures as much..."He let out a tired huff and rested his eyes for a bit, "Well, regardless of that, Spock, thank you"

"Whatever for-" the Vulcan began but cut himself short, the realisation dawning on him, "You are most welcome, Leonard. I am pleased to see you awake and alert."

"You are? Are you sure?" He teased and got caught in a coughing fit. It was not wise to tire out his throat so much, but he simply could not resist. After clearing his throat, he went against his doctoral instincts to not to force himself, "I'll remind you this comment in a near future, I'm sure"

"As you say, doctor" Spock mused or so Leonard taught from the small pull of his lips.

"So, I can speak... Shouldn't my throat be all clumped down and dry?"

"This is not your first time waking up, doctor. We had been informed that it was likely that you would suffer temporary amnesia upon waking up. Therefore, we had fully anticipated your confusion. You should also expect to suffer disorientation, loss of muscle strength and possible fatigue."

"I know what to expect coming out of a coma, Spock. I observed many patients in my time as a doctor"

"Yet, you had never been on the other side of a biobed, Leonard nor that any of your patients have suffered through what you have. I have observed that you, like the captain, have a tendency to undersell your own injuries in favour of other's sake. Therefore, under strict supervision, you will go through physiotherapy so that you may recover fully."

"That'll be a _lovely_ trial on its own" he complained, eyeing the rest of the clean room. There wasn't much to it besides the regular equipment he had used while in Tendala, before it all went to shit. The bed was as comfortable as it got in a hospital which caused him to sympathise with all his patients on a whole different level. "How's the rest of the crew?"

"Everyone has made full recovery. You need only have concern about your own health"

"Good to hear" he replied, focus still diverted between the contents of the room and Spock. His attention got stuck on a wide sofa. Its whiteness was barely visible beneath the standard black Starfleet blanket which had been haphazardly left over it. A small pillow was squished between the blanket and a short bedside table, half hiding behind the sofa. The sofa was clearly being used and Leonard could muster a guess as to whom.

"Is he around?" he asked, fully expecting Spock to provide him with a proper answer. Instead, the Vulcan chose to ignore him and expressed his observations further.

"I am also glad to see visual and auditory tracking have improved greatly since the last time. Having been reanimated from certain death had taken its toll on you, Doctor. Not to mention your compromised immunity system. You also had been malnutrition for far too long after the process was completed."

It surely had. Leonard had cheated certain death once again but at what cost? His humanity, his vows as a doctor or both? He had played at God twice now. He hadn't regretted saving his best friend. He didn't regret surviving either yet it didn't sit right with him. Too many bad memories associated with both times. He could have worded it better but the expression Spock had chosen to use was enough to distract Leonard from his previous question.

"How long have I been out?" He horsed out. This, Spock answered.

"The reanimation process was completed successfully five days after our return. You were kept in an induced coma for another week and woke up the day afterwards for the first time."

"Holy Hell! How long has it been since then?"

"Today marks the twentieth day." Leonard shook his head and regretted it instantly as sudden pain exploded behind his eyes. He couldn't believe that he had been unconscious for so long. The day Ron left him in the harbour as he boarded S.S. Catalonia felt like it happened just the day before. As did the year he spent in Liverpool or the week he spent on board the steamship. This was far too surreal to accept.

"Are you feeling quite alright, Doctor?"

"Yeah, no... I mean, I am not. Have we had this conversation before?"

"We have, but I am confident that this will be the last time. You were not able to hold a conversation this long in our previous attempts to inform you of your recovery status."

"That's expected-" As if on queue, his drowsiness elevated, causing his vision to blur. He was getting sleepy despite a headache settling in behind his head. Leonard mused that this had been a productive and necessary conversation. One that he was glad to have held with Spock rather than anyone else. He lifted his gaze to acknowledge that but the world felt too heavy to mind at that moment. Instead, he blinked slowly and allowed his head to roll sideways.

A hazy figure got into his line of sight, mostly bright yellow coloured with a hint of orange. A smile tugged his lips upwards as he recognised the man by the door. "Jim," he whispered or so he thought. The figure approached him after a moment's hesitation. Perhaps he had listened to what Spock had to say behind Leonard's back. Not that he was too worried about that.

"Right here, Bones" was all he heard as he tuned out Spock's gibberish words and gave all his attention to the man grasping his hand, warming it up by sheer contact.

He wanted to say something back in return to assure him that he heard him but all he managed was to squeeze his hand back lightly. A motion reciprocated by Jim.

"Sleep tight. I'll be right here when you next wake up, Bones" Leonard was definitely going to hold him to that.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking so long to bring you back, Bones!!


	26. Chapter 26

_One month earlier_

The doors of the conference room swooped open, too slow to match Jim's racing mind and his will to escape from the grasp of the Starfleet council he had left behind. He took a timid step forward and forced himself to slow his movements as he walked out of the room and into the well-lit corridor filled with his crewmates. It would do them no good if he lost his composure and gave them the wrong idea.

On the contrary to how he felt; defeated and exhausted, his meeting with the Starfleet's finest had gone better than expected. He must have made quite the impression of a victim in this scenario that most of the command had sided with his plead for a change and the crew of Enterprise were acquitted of any charges or consequences. That's not to say, the conference had gone on without a glitch or two. They had grilled him in regards to the Tendalan Colony's controversial reanimation device, their unethical methods of practice and unforgivable choice of experimental subjects, namely McCoy. They also hadn't like the way he had decided to jump into danger, dragging along a bunch of their best officers. Then they had learned that it wasn't entirely their fault that Enterprise hadn't made contact before attempting this because of the bad timing of the storm which had incapacitated all communication units. By the time the truth had come out from the colonists, all communications which Uhura attempted had failed due to the storm getting worse and Jim'd had no time to delay. That information combined with all his officers taking and bearing the blame as theirs had put the council in a bit of a dilemma. This was later dissolved when the Tendalan scientists came clean about their research, most likely thanks to Spock's and Uhura's interferences. Instead of having to crush their golden boy, the youngest captain that they had appointed not so long ago, blaming the Tendalan's had been the preferable choice.

And thankfully for Jim, they ended up deciding to condemn the Tendalan scientists for conducting unethical and unauthorised experiments on Starfleet personnel and go easy on Jim's partly unethical and unauthorised rescue attempts of missing Starfleet personnel. He could not lie and claim that he felt guilty over this. After everything they put them through, he really was not. Yet, he was sympathetic to them because of their actions which had saved Bones. He had owned them some sort of a second chance, so he had worked towards convincing the council to let them have some of their previous privileges and not be completely cut off from the federation's aid. Although reluctantly, they had agreed. It might not have been much but if nothing else, he would sleep with a lighter heart.

The whole procedure had been going on for far too long. Longer than even before they've been back, under the supervision of acting captain Sulu. In Jim's eyes, he had done a wonderful job of keeping everyone on their perspective sides and preventing any outside party from interfering with their plans inside the simulation. Jim was yet to learn the exact extent of Sulu's actions and sacrifices to protect them while the crew was still inside the simulation but if the purple bags under Sulu's eyes was any indication, that was a conversation he needed to have in the company of good friends and gallons of alcohol.

When he did join in on the interrogations of the Starfleet command, he had already spent a few days lying in a hospital bed. After he had regained his consciousness and carried his room to the other wing of the hospital, he had opted to observe the weird machinery that kept Bones alive, barely but still alive. Alive; A word Jim hung onto like a lifeline. The nights had been noisy with the whirling and pumping of the odd parts of the device. It almost had a rhythm to it and with each puffing sound that came every other second, Jim felt it vibrate in his chest eventually causing his heart follow the same rhythm. On the bright side with their syncronized thumpings, Jim could imagine it was Bones' heart hammering against his own, finally in beating unison. The thought was more than enough to calm his erratic thoughts and fears which rose in the dead of the night. The days had been only a ration better and that was because of the visits he got from his friends, their strong voices mostly drowning out the gritting sounds of the machine. Whether they were aware of this or not, Jim hadn't asked but he could guess that the answer was probably yes. With their help, he had found the strength in him to face the command after his full recovery. Now, it was time to return the favour.

He met the expectant eyes of his crew, smiling coyly and nodding at them positively. The relief on their faces was more than enough to justify him being delayed from his more urgent, self-appointed duty. As if they understood that without having it being spelled out, his crew parted in half and allowed him to pass through. He nodded once more, his feet speeding up with each step.

At the end of the corridor, Scotty jerked forward from where he leaned on the wall. He caught on to Jim's mood rather fast and instead of trying to stop him, he fell into the same tempo as his when he began following him.

"'Tis good that we are cleared, Captain" Scotty began and from his low tone, Jim expected some bad news. He was right. "Well, I've got good and bad things to tell ye. Which do ye wanna hear first?"

"Are they related to Bones? If not, how urgent are they?"

"Yes and not really" They rounded a corner and passed a few more people who saluted them.

"What happened?" Jim questioned. He was trying very hard to not grit his teeth. They were on a roll of good news, he rather kept to the streak than to jinx it but of course, he had to ask.

"Well, McCoy's reanimation's completed. They managed to finally bring him back to the land of the living."

"They have?" he turned to him excitedly, eyes glimmering with hope and relief, "Let's hurry to his room, then"

"For now" Scotty added and caused him to falter, "They put him in an induced coma but don't know when or if he'll make it at all."

"He will" Jim assured both Scotty and himself. He passed corridor after corridor, hall after hall in a blaze, all around him the scenery remaining as a fuzzy image in his mind. He didn't look twice at the windows nor at the endless forests that laid beyond it. He didn't notice the sun setting down, covering the green with a tinge of orange and gold and not a single cloud in sight. Had he gazed at them, he would think they were mocking him; Tendala's sunny skies shoving a bird up his face, aggravating him with what they almost took from him. Hard to believe that only a few weeks ago, they had been on the verge of losing everything because of the horrendous storms the weather had thrown at them. Harder to believe that they had survived almost intact.

Jim rounded the corner separating the ICU wings but was pulled backwards and dragged down another corridor by Scotty's strong grip. He narrowed his eyes at that, wondering why Scotty chose to silently steer him in a different direction and looked about ready to bolt at the first sign of trouble.

"What's up?" He whispered.

"While ye were in the conference room, McCoy's reanimation was completed and just as we were coming to get ye, some high ranking Starfleet folk came in and took charge of his recuperation process. Mr Spock says they are respectable science officers that can be trusted but he also thinks that they are after learning the tricks of how that blasted machine works."

"Of course, they are" Jim sighed, "And Bones? Did Starfleet send some doctors to take care of him?"

"Aye, and they are good people. Leonard's old friends from the Academy. So, he is in good hands."

"Okey... Then, why the secrecy?"

"Well, ye know how scientists can get. They wanna collect data and do some experimental recon on Leonard but the doctors are fierce and they won't have anyone interfering with his recovery. Needlessly to say, there was a bit of a commotion earlier and it ended up with dear Nyota chasing the scientists out of the room with a rather foul tongue for a lass. They were not happy with that. To ease the fuss Mr Spock directed them towards the reanimation machine and had Leonard moved to a far away room. Now, it'd be fair to say that the scientists are no longer fond of us and might end up trying to push you into agreeing to their terms. 'figured ye would not want to waste more time on dealing with 'em!"

"That all happened in the few hours I was preoccupied with the Command?" Jim exclaimed and lowered his voice as he spared a quick look around to see that the corridors were empty except for the two of them. He commended him with a nod, "Good job, Scotty. You've done well to keep their grabby hands away from Bones."

"'twas mostly Nyota, Captain. Ah, here we are"

Jim came to a sudden halt. Within the mostly light-filled corridor, there was only a single set of windows whose curtains had been drawn shut and Scotty was standing by its automated door which failed to open as he approached it. He noted a locked keypad by the door and directed a questioning glare towards Scotty.

"Under lockdown to keep the _vultures_ away" His chief engineer answered, "but mostly because he is put into a medically induced coma. The doctors don't want anyone near him while his immunity system is still badly compromised."

"Can I-" Jim began and took a deep breath and pointed at the windows, "May I at least see him?" He had to see for himself that Bones was alright, that his heart was beating and that he was alive. Even across a window, unable to touch or feel him, he had to know that he was back.

Scotty knocked on the door three times and slid back towards the window as he warned Jim of what was to come, "Of course, laddie. But keep in mind; he is not in the best of shapes"

Jim had expected that much. He didn't think anyone who had suffered what Bones had been through could be put together perfectly in such a short time. Though the scene which awaited was nowhere near what he could prepare himself for. As the curtains slowly ascended, a dread filled Jim. For the first few seconds that he could glance inside, he could see that the room, as it was, was larger and much more crowded than he had anticipated it to be. There were many metallic feet, holding up bulky machinery, less sophisticated than the reanimation device. Some of them he recognised from the long hours he had spent in the hospital as a patient. Others were more foreign to him, possibly unique to the Tendalan medical facilities. He wished to know what the functions of each of them were, to understand what kept his Bones alive. Yet, his wishes were cut short as the sterile room came more into his view with the curtains almost all the way up. He felt the world slowing down then and narrowing anything and everything that mattered down to the sight before him.

Bones laid amidst the rubble of devices, undernourished and worn-out, his once bulky body now thin enough to disappear beneath the two layers of sheets covering him. His boney structure stood out despite how little space he occupied on the large bed. His beard was shaved off clean and his hair was combed backwards, a few strands falling over the large oxygen mask which was put over the lower part of his face. Too fragile to even connect the IVs under his skin, that the drips were given to him through his chapped lips beneath the mask. The lining of the IVs covering him looked heavier than the man and he looked ready to collapse into himself, barely being held together by strings of the reality they fought so hard to return to.

A vision popped up in Jim's mind, Bones against the railings of the ship, the wind at his back and a gentle smile plastered on his face. Something pulled inside Jim's chest, forcing him to tear his eyes away from Bones' drained body. Compared to this sight, Bones' vivid and content character back in the simulation hurt to remember. For one brief moment, Jim considered the treacherous thought that had remained at the back of his mind all this time. He wondered maybe it would have been better for Bones to remain in the simulation if it meant that he wouldn't have to go through the healing process that were to come. It would hurt and it would be long. Even with the advances in the Starfleet's medical track, the whole process was going to be trying and was sure to wear him out even further.

Jim shook his head to focus on the body that was doing his most damn to keep on breathing. Bones was alive and he was still fighting. Instead of getting swallowed up in woe, to support him during the hard times was the least Jim could do. And, that was what he was going to do. Lift Bones up when he came to close to sinking down, hold his hand and remind him all that was worth living for... Jim would become the anchor Bones needed.

He lifted his gaze up with more determination and compassion. The frail body on the biobed appeared less like he was fading away this time around. Jim found himself leaning on the glass, forehead and right palm over the cool surface. They had survived the worst and now it was only going to get better with time. This, he repeated inwardly until the lights in the corridor dimmed and he was exhausted with the force of keeping himself awake.

*

A very slow week passed by and Jim barely left the windowsill he occupied. Doctors, some he recognised some who had to introduce themselves to Jim before he allowed them into Bones' room, checked up on Bones just as often. Everyone was at a loss at what to expect from a reanimated person under induced coma. They half anticipated Bones to be magically cured and half feared the day he completely vanished from where he laid. Jim garnered similar thoughts as he watched the doctors scribble notes on their patient's condition, shake their heads and whisper theories in intense conversation, all which Jim eavesdropped on very closely. He had very little to do after the command decided to give them leave until all interrogations were conducted and he spent his free time divided between visiting the vending machine two floors below, yawning on the chair he put by the display window and synching his breathing to Bones' weaker one. In that time, Uhura had made him shower twice and Scotty had managed to sent him to the bed in the next room by taking over the watch. Spock, unlike his colleagues, had simply stood by Jim's shoulder, joining him in as a silent companion instead of sending him off. Equally feeling and showing the burden he carried for once.

It was the last day of the week that Doctor M'Benga and Nurse Chapel informed him that they'd gradually cut down the sedatives and allow Bones to wake up in due time.They also, begrudgingly admitted that despite their tests, they didn't know whether Bones'd have any permanent brain damage. They were hopeful that he wouldn't and Jim hung onto that optimism.

Seeing Jim's desperation and remembering their days in the simulation, Chapel who was not in her best mindset yet still functioning so much better than anyone who has been in the simulation convinced the doctor to let Jim into the room. Dressed in the sterilised white garbs, including a cotton mask and gloves, Jim was more than eager to thank Chapel before practically jumping into the room.

His initial enthusiasm faded rather quickly as he walked closer to the bed. Bones hadn't lost further weight while he had been in the coma but he hadn't gained anything significant either. That was to be expected Jim mused darkly and reached forward to grasp a boney hand in his gloved ones. The weak pulse beneath his fingers and the tingling warmth emanating from the open palm reassured him that Bones was truly there. It was hard to believe before but now, with Leonard's fingers upon his, relief flooded over Jim. Finally, after the agonising month -if their days in the simulation counted- they were both alive and safe and amongst their friends.

"I missed you, Bones" he whispered and run a fleeting touch across his hairline where the strings of the mask curled behind the ear. His voice wavered, taking a brittle tone, "My God, man... I can't believe we made it. So little time has passed yet it felt like an eternity. If this is how you feel every time I went out and caused trouble, well I must be responsible for all the grey on your head. I wish I could promise you that I wouldn't jump into danger and lessen my recklessness -not that I am reckless- but then I wouldn't be me. I doubt you would like me that way either. But I can promise to try to keep you out of harm's way, just so you wake up. I won't fail you again... Not again." He buried his head in his hands and Bones' palm. Even unresponsive, it provided the emotional support he needed more than anything.

A rasping sound got lost within the noises of the machinery around them. Then a second one remained unheard amongst Jim's sobbing. "You never..." began a voice, raspy, broken. Barely able to make itself heard. Jim's head shot up to Bones' face, eyes glassy with unshed tears. "... never failed me" continued the throaty voice, clouding the oxygen mask with hot breath.

As if propelled forward, Jim got up from where he had kneeled without even noticing. He gloomed over the battered face, willing Bones to speak up again. Long minutes passed but Bones remained silent, his eyes shut and his hands motionless.

"Bones? Leonard, can you hear me?" He noticed an irregular spiking on the monitors but they too stilled as quickly as Bones. For one horrible moment he thought, he had imagined it, finally loosing what little sanity he had left. Then, he decided to prove himself wrong on that account and approached Bones' ear as much as the IV tubes allowed him. "You promised to stay with me, Bones. So you better get back to me. I am right here waiting for you. We all are." Another spiking followed as his words ringed through the room.

Jim held his breath, biting his lip. "Wake up, please." He begged. His gazed jumped between the beeping monitors and Bones' face. Although he noticed no miraculous motions from him, Jim believed that there had been an improvement. He told as much to Chapel and M'Benga when they called him outside and before moving inside to check up on Leonard. The hopeful glint he saw reflected in the nurse's eyes and the small smile on the doctor's lips awoke the best sort of feelings within him. Even when Jim was forced to wait outside for hours as the appointed medical staff conducted their examinations, his sanguine smile never faltered.

The sun went down twice as Jim waited patiently for once in his life and at the dawn of the second day, Chapel gave him permission to reenter the room at his will. She also advised him strongly to preserve his hygiene before visiting Leonard, for both aesthetic and medical purposes. Reddening slightly but determined to not cause any trouble, Jim left to soak in the shower leaving Spock to attend his empty chair and watch over Bones. The Vulcan seemed to accept the suggestion eagerly, lifting Jim's spirits even more. Upon his return, minus the mask and the gloves much to his delight, he found Spock reading a small fictional book to Leonard by his bedside.

"I have been told that reading is customary to help comatose patients regain their cognitive capabilities."

"You have been told correct" Jim beamed as he stepped in with his sterile garbs and took the chair across from Spock, reaching out to grasp Bones' hand without hesitation. "How is our patient?"

"Leonard's vitals have been improving with time." Spock answered, putting his book down, "There have been no relapses to a weakened state. The reanimation, as it seems, for now, was an absolute success."

"You sound impressed" Jim noted while caressing the dried skin under his palm.

"I am. As are many of our medical officers. I do not blame their enthusiasm over this progress. After all, Leonard will be the first known humanoid to have made full recovery after completely being disintegrated." Jim winced at Spock's words but managed to keep his composure. It'd not do well to succumb to dark thoughts once more. Not when Bones was sleeping between them, hand squeezing Jim's with a weak but apparent hold.

Suddenly hyper aware of every nerve endings in his hand, Jim whipped his neck downwards while clutching the hand with an unwise strength. His gaze travelled upwards in light speed, only to found the hazel eyes peeking through half lidded eyelids.

"Bones, you are awake!" Jim half screamed and half coughed as his throat closed at the exciting realisation, "I knew you were going to pull through. Oh, I've missed you so much!"

"Wha-?" was the response but even that was enough for Jim to laugh out hoarsely, finally, the weight in his chest lifting up properly.

"Welcome back, Leonard" Spock chimed in and finished his sentence with a thought, unable to express his joy like Jim did "It is good to see you conscious"

"How are you feeling? Besides like a truck run you over?"

"Where-?"

"Jim," Spock interjected "I don't believe, the doctor is in any condition to answer your questions with his full attention. His gaze is unfocused, he appears to be barely aware of his environments. The right course of action would be to contact Nurse Chapel first and ensure his-"

"Yes, fine. You do that" Jim cut him short, "I am not leaving his side, though, good?"

"Very well, Jim" Spock replied curtly and made his way to the call button by the side wall and pushed down the bottom. In less than half a minute Chapel's voice went from stoic to all business-like and to curious as Spock relayed on the new development. In the remaining thirty seconds, Chapel and M'Benga with a small group of doctors and scientists in tow appeared in front of the room.

Jim noted that Spock left the room in favour of not crowding the area further and acquired himself a spot right by the window along with the rest of the personnel who were not cleared to enter the room. He couldn't care less about who had been decided to take charge of Bones' recovery as long as it was a Starfleet official and was not surprise to find Chapel and M'Benga worm their way in through the ever growing crowd outside. To the dismay of many of their colleagues, M'Benga closed the curtains and smirked slyly. Jim simply nodded at them with gratitude and focused back on Leonard who had been silently stalking them with tired eyes.

Chapel and M'Benga greeted Leonard normally and proceeded with their examination. While the doctor noted his vitals from the monitors, the nurse voiced a few questions, hoping for Leonard to recognise and answer some of them. If they had been excited they were not showing it. Jim tuned them out after a short while, his focus was solely reserved for Bones and his mostly confused gaze.

The check up lasted shorter than they hoped, Leonard, falling asleep without a ceremony. Even though Jim frowned with worry, Chapel smiled fondly at the doctor's relaxed posture. "He looks so much younger when his brows are not crossed, so much more like the age, he actually is at."

"Yeah, that he does." Jim whispered and dragged his chair slightly away from the bed when M'Benga moved on to the physical check-up.

"His state of daze and confusion is typical of comatose patients, Captain. He may not understand what is happening right away but with time, I am positive that he'll be able to return to his sharp, grumpy self."

"I know he will" Jim added and shared a moment of relief with Chapel. Chapel and M'Benga departed hastily, probably to sate the many unyielding questions and remarks of the curious colleagues camping outside the door before they barged in. Jim was left alone to gaze upon Leonard's rhythmically rising and falling chest, feeling blessed and exhausted in equal parts. He allowed himself a tired sigh before laying down his head over Leonard's hip while still holding the bony hand with a deadly grasp.

"Love you so much, Bones" he yawned, fatigue catching up to him and eyes shutting down to a close. Before sleep claimed him, he thought that there were still many trials to overcome for a full recovery but today had been a perfect start.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In hopes to compensate for the delay, here is the chapter with 4000+ words, most of it written in one sitting. Enjoy!
> 
> And we go back a little as to dig into Jim's perspective. The timeline might get confusing but mainly, Bones' reanimation took five days and another nine days for the coma and waking up. It will continue with a sped up recovery within the next twenty days in the next chapter. Hopefully, I'll be updating it sooner than this one.


	27. Chapter 27

_One week earlier_

"Are you aware of where we are, doctor?" Spock asked Leonard a second time, unable keep his short-spanned attention on him for more than a few minutes.

"Hospital?" Leonard answered, unsure and confused.

"Correct, Leonard" Nyota smiled fondly at the man and was awarded a similar notion from him.

"Can you recall our previous conversation from yesterday?" Spock asked then and Leonard frowned in concentration, trying his best to earn another smile. The whole exchange had begun to be a usual morning routine for them. Spock and Nyota slipping in right after Leonard woke up and Jim had assured himself that the doctor was well and ready to handle guests. Jim then would leave to get breakfast in the hall with Scotty or Chekov, sometimes both and clean himself up before returning with his companion of the day and joining in the chat. While Jim was away, Spock had gained the insight to push Leonard's memory harder than Jim had agreed with them to do so. Nyota assumed that Jim demanded that sort of limitation out of fear of crippling Leonard self-esteem and driving him to darker thoughts. Yet, that did not stop Spock from continuing his prodding every morning and even if Jim was aware of what he was doing, he let it slip, deep down trusting Spock to do the right thing.

It was endearing really. The whole situation. Nyota never thought she would witness such delicate conversation between his boyfriend and the good doctor nor hear Spock's gentle voice cooing Leonard and coaxing simple answers from his hesitant lips. Even if Leonard failed to recall all the stuff they had talked about, Spock never got angry or disappointed. Neither did Nyota or anyone else for that matter, at least not when they were by Leonard's side. Small gestures and actions may give rise to insecurities, Spock had warned once and since then anyone who visited Leonard had acted with nothing but pure intentions and encouraging smiles.

"I don't... but-" Leonard began, his eyes swaying and following the motion of shade as the clouds moved in front of the sun, blocking a good chunk of light from entering the room. His gaze lifted up look outside of the window without finishing his sentence.

"But, Leonard?" Spock asked patiently.

"Ah, I remember no words but there was a bright man with sun-touched hair and sky coloured eyes"

"That's Jim, Len. James T. Kirk, Captain of USS Enterprise. The same spaceship you work for as a doctor." Nyota detailed.

"Jim" Leonard tested the name on his tongue and found it satisfactory, "Jimmy. He felt safe... I..."

As he took his time gathering his thoughts, Nyota opened her mouth to assist him but Spock raised his hand motioning her to allow Leonard the time he needed to get his wits together. He continued on his own soon enough "Jim... Where is he now?"

"Having breakfast with our crewmates. He will be here shortly"

"Good, good" Leonard sighed, gaze slipping from Nyota's form and settling on Spock. He took a deep breath, as if readying himself for a long speech, "We work together on a spaceship sailing across the vast space where darkness and danger go hand in hand. Sounds terrifying"

Nyota nodded in agreement out of courtesy, this wasn't the first time Leonard had reached this conclusion. Though his sentence was the longest one he voiced as of yet. Leonard sounded better each day, his speech improving along with his physical and mental attributes. He was taking small steps, as his recovery tended to relapse every few days but on his better days, Leonard was catching up to their conversation with an impressive speed. His genius showed through on those days, and even when his memory relapsed, his muscles and subconscious remembered his lessons. Today was one of those days it seems as Leonard came out of his daydreaming on his own a second time.

"A man, smaller in built was with him. Speaking odd, it was difficult to understand him" he said and Nyota wondered whether he meant Scotty or Chekov, "looked bright and was excited to see me. Like a duckling meeting his mum."

"That'll be Chekov" Nyota concluded smiling.

"Yeah, Pavel" Leonard mused "Charming kid. Made me joyous to be talking to him. Why?"

"He has that effect on people. Anyone else you remember?"

"You two were there as well. Spock sat by the window side and you by the door" Nyota shook her head slowly unwilling to break his spirit but she had to correct him for the sake of his own recovery.

"That was two days ago, Len but you remembering that far back is a good sign. Speaking of which, that day we spoke about your health, too."

"My health? Well, I am in a hospital so it must not be very good." Leonard's attempt at humour fell short and he opted to clear his throat during the silence that followed, "I have memory issues. I realise that much but I can't say I recall you telling me this. Maybe me not recalling that event altogether is what makes me think that."

"Either way, you would be correct" Spock chose to answer, unfazed by the mumblings coming out of Leonard.

"Good, good" Leonard repeated his earlier musings, a yawn interrupting whatever was at the tip of his tongue. "I am sleepy"

"You should rest, then, Leonard"

"I wanted to meet Jim" He whispered, eyelids already had fallen down and body going slack.

"He will be coming by soon, Len. Do not worry."

"Good" was the last thing he muttered before slipping into a deep state of sleep. Nyota let out a sigh then, certain that no amount of noise was going to wake Leonard up. They had tried to rouse him before and arrived at the conclusion that once the sleep took over, they had to wait until Leonard came around and nothing they said had stirred the man.

"He has been repeating that word for some time, now" Nyota noted and Spock hummed in agreement, "It must be a coping mechanism; Believing everything is good will make it so."

"Perhaps," As Spock readied himself to elaborate on other possibilities, the door slid open revealing Jim. He wore an expression of being fed-up and Nyota guessed the reason for that was the Starfleet Command. Jim's stature immediately changed upon laying his eyes on Leonard's peaceful form; shoulders relaxing and face slacking. He quickly dragged a chair over to his bed, intertwining his and Leonard's fingers, all the while sheepishly smiling at him. She was proved right as he began huffing.

"I swear, I am ready to murder Admiral Johanson and run for the hills." He said without heat but with tired resignation hidden behind his smiling face, "He keeps pushing for the demolishment of the Enterprise and her crew, blaming us for the whole incident."

"Take heart in the fact that, he is alone in his endeavours to undermine our work as well as our ship, Jim."

"He is a thorn in our side but he is powerless on this matter."

"I know, I know" Jim said covering his face with his free hand, "It's just tiresome. As if we don't have enough to deal with already. I wish Pike was still here. He would have known how to shut him up for good."

"You give yourself too little credit, Jim" came a gruff from Leonard who had cracked open an eye. The smile that blossomed on Jim's face every time Leonard recognised him was a sight for sore eyes. Nyota found herself wishing that it never withered away again.

"Hello, there" Jim greeted Len, his demeanour softening as he snuggled closer.

"Hi, Jim. Problems with the ship?"

"No, no problems at all, Bones" Jim bustled, running his fingers over Leonard's arm, now thicker and stronger with some muscle and body fat stored within. His body weight was still a far cry from what it used to be but they were getting there. It felt dry to the touch, urging Jim to get the moisturising cream from the bedside table and slowly applying it over the cracked skin. "Just some annoying people"

"Assholes, you mean" Len corrected him, turning his hand over for easier access to his dried tissue.

"One asshole, actually and what an asshole that he is!" They chuckled as Nyota smirked from the corner. She prodded between Spock's shoulder blades and motioned him towards the door; a clear indication of their timely departure from the room. They bid farewell in the most efficient and silent way possible before disappearing into the corridor.

"How are you feeling?" Jim asked as he continued his ministrations on Leonard's left hand and arm.

"Awake"

"Anything else?" He tried again, wanting an answer that was at least five words long.

"Tired but better now that you are here"

Jim blushed ever so slightly at his confession. The admission was so unlike his Bones yet it made Jim eternally happy. A thing that became a guilty pleasure of his. Bones had begun broaching on simple emotional subjects after he began forming full sentences; Calling him a safe port in a storm but one he wouldn't mind being anchored to for the rest of his life. Then, there was the time he called out to Jim because he felt cold and somehow Jim was the only one who could warm him up. By far, though, his most surprising but humbling moment had been when Leonard simply lifted Jim's hand, brushing his lips against calloused knuckles and saying 'I missed you, too'. The tears he shed were of happiness at that moment but come next morning and a bad relapse later, he was left hollowed at the empty gaze that greeted him. After that, Jim learned to bask in the moment and be patient with his expectancies.

The appointed doctors of Starfleet and Tendala had warned them of the relapses. Tendalans assured them that the brain was stitching itself up so to speak and it would take time for the dizziness to clear up. Jim, in his whole life, has never been the picture of patience but this whole situation made a saint out of him. If he didn't send some Tendalan scientist through a spaceport and into space, it was because of his forcibly mellowed down mood. Regardless, true to their words Bones' mind was healing and for that, he was grateful for choosing to remain calm and collected for most of his time in the colonies.

"Me, too, Bones" he admitted and moved over to the other side of the bed and applied ointment on his chapped skin. Leonard pushed his hips aside with a groan to make room for Jim to sit and he graciously accepted the offered place, knowing that moving -as little as that- was a strength consuming action for Leonard. With his hand over his lap, Jim messaged his wrist with small circular motions, enjoying the calm moment to its fullest.

"I recalled some things today" Bones said slowly raising on the bed and drawing Jim's attention. He tried not to show to much excitement but kept his interest obvious as to not downsize Bones' enthusiasm. "I looked up the sky and you popped into my mind. Though your name eluded me."

"Spock helped you out?"

"Yeah, and Nyota"

"Glad to hear it, Bones" Leonard hummed in return, an imitation of Spock's form of agreement, Jim noted. He wasn't just remembering things but relearning them from others, too. In addition to gaining Spock's annoying speech patterns, he had developed certain habits he was used to seeing from his crew; huffing like Nyota, clicking his pen on random surfaces like Scotty, picking his food like Chekov and even glaring like Sulu. He looked at Bones and sometimes all he could see was the shadow of another friend. It grated at him but also made him wonder what Leonard got from him.

"I am sick" he muttered and Jim's felt his stomach sink.

"You are recovering" he replied with a low voice. It sounded as dull and unconvincing as it could possibly be. Bones did not seem to notice it, though, his eyes were focused somewhere over Jim's shoulder.

"Am I getting better?"

"Yes, Bones" he reassured him and squeezed his hand. His mind already on the verge of getting lost in memories of better times.

"I am tired"

Jim blinked himself out of the stupor he was in, long enough to say, "Sleep, Bones. You'll feel refreshed after a good nap."

"Yeah, good" He repeated but made no move to slid down the bed to settle in. Jim wished he could read his mind and figure out an easier way to help ease whatever troubling thing he was thinking about. He didn't need to wonder for too long as Bones craned his neck to meet his eyes, his posture unmoving and a gaze so intense that as it was directed at him, Jim felt smaller. He beckoned him closer and Jim obeyed.

"What is it?" He asked, curious and somewhat wary. Bones freed his hand from Jim's and ran his fingers on the well-toned forearm. Jim felt hot just by that simple touch, a need rising in his chest, urging him to dive forward and claim Leonard's lips. Kiss him until he remembered everything that they were and they could be.

"I missed you" There it was. The simple confession that gave so much hope to Jim only to tear it apart right from him. He wouldn't fall for it again. He would nod and accept it as it was. Then, move on until Bones was ready to repeat it with all his breath.

"Me, too"

"Good" was his reply as he lifted Jim's hand and landed a chaste kiss on his fingers. Jim mirrored the motion, earning a happy chuckle from Bones. Boy, it sounded so off when it wasn't laced with dark humour or sarcasm and he appeared so young as his shoulders shook with the force of it. Jim swallowed and found his footing as he got up. He laid a warm hand over Bones' neck and pushed down his hands beneath the blanket, guiding the tired man to rest his head on the soft pillow. He took a minute to simply watch Bones settle in and uncaring of the consequences he leaned in to drop another kiss on his forehead. When he drew back slightly, Bones' eyes were on him, the intense gaze having returned. They flickered towards Jim's mouth, lips parting ever so little and glimmering so beautifully that even Jim found it too sinful. If there was to be a fallout after this because Bones wasn't ready in his fragile state, well, he was willing to risk it. He leaned his arm over the railing and steadied himself once last time. He knew, he had no other choice but to offer Bones that final leap he was willing to take for him as he closed the distance between them and tasted his lips after so long and at the same time, for the first time ever.

It left the same flaming need in his flushed body as it had done back in the simulation. This time, it was real and Jim melted into the kiss with that thought slowly disappearing from his mind. He savoured the excited response from Bones. Possessive hands grasped his shirt, too weak to pull him in but making up with their willingness to be closer to him. He placed his palm over the side of Bones' face, gently caressing his cheek and moving them so that he felt every breath he gasped out. He nibbled at his lower lip, eliciting a moan that triggered the resurfacing of his senses and albeit reluctantly, Jim lifted himself up, ending the as gently as he could. Bones arched from beneath him and Jim lost a debate against his consciousness, barely.

"I'll-" he couldn't continue for a second and tried to regain his senses with pushing his overly heated body away from Leonard, "I'll be here. Why don't you try to get some sleep, hmm?" Bones' flushed, extremely tempting face nodded slowly and he made a noncommittal sound which Jim deciphered as agreement. If he felt disappointed, it didn't show in his stoic expression.

Jim gathered his wits slowly before tucking the man in and caressing his messy hair. In no time, Bones fell asleep, a light snore filling the otherwise silent room. Jim tried to remember exactly how these were supposed to be the hard days to be forgotten as the years passed by and be left in deepest parts of their memories. The darkest hours were over for sure but from where he stood, it felt like it had been years since this whole mess began and that it had no intention of coming to an end. He had, however, decided long ago to never fail Bones again and he would prove himself worthy by remaining dependable and attentive regardless of how long he was going to have to stay by his side in that chemical stench filled place.

But first, he was going to have a large sofa brought over to the room.

* * *


	28. Chapter 28

_Present day_

Leonard woke up with blurry sight and a dull headache brewing in the back of his head. He felt drowsy and slightly out of it when he tried and failed miserably to realise his surroundings at first glance. There were dark spots flying around his vision and the air was too thin to breathe comfortably. He gave himself a moment as he willed his headache away, before opening his eyes and facing the hospital room once more.

The room hadn't changed much since the last time he had woken up and chatted with Spock. The heart monitor above the biobed and IV drips in his bony arm were still present and if his hearing was any good, then his vital indicators were all within acceptable limits. The one out of place sound he detected was the light, muffled snores rising from the edge of his bed where the white sofa was located and seeing the source of the sound only made his lips to curl into a gentle smile.

 _Sleep tight. I'll be right here when you next wake up, Bones._ That was what Leonard remembered Jim had said and true to his word, Jim was there with him. He had kept his word.

As the bed creaked under Leonard's weight when he moved sideways to get a better look, Jim stirred uncomfortably on the small sofa. His back was to Leonard and all he could see was his blond locks sticking out from the junction of the pillow and the black cover. His blanket, as well as his legs which were dangling on the other side with an odd angle that made even Leonard flinch when he imagined how cramped he would feel upon getting up. All in all, it was an endearing scene that made Leonard's heart clench. Though, the sensation could have been the result of an undesirable side-effect of his poor health condition.  

Once he felt contented with watching Jim settle into a deeper sleep, Leonard leant forward ever so slightly to check the damage on his body. The suddenly added pressure to his hips sent a flash of pain through his whole body, making his hands tremble and drop him back on the bed. He let out a long, distressed sigh, sounding more like a whimper than an exhale of breath. There was no strength to be found in his arms and little feeling in his lower body. He felt fatigued. Hell, he looked the part as well. He ran a hand down his neck and torso, feeling the strong lining of his larynx and then his predominant ribs. His skin felt stretched out over his bones, there was little to no fat on his scrawny limbs and in the lack of the facial and bodily hair; he was a damn infant.

Regardless of how incompetent he felt, he was determined to find out the extent of his injuries and upon turning his head to the side, he spied a tablet on his bedside table. He assumed it was the tablet that must have contained his health report and progress. He lifted a tired arm and reached out as far as he could without moving too much. The disturbing sound of bone scraping bone and the cracking of his joints made him grit his teeth. He pressed on, weak fingers grasping the corner of the tablet and with a final push, he pulled the report fully onto his lap. The burn that spread within his torso and the tingling pain in the tips of his fingers made his vision darken for a few minutes, the exertion the movement took depleting all his poor oxygen reserves in a millisecond.

After the sensations have passed, Leonard lifted the tablet only to be rendered dumb as he looked through its contents and realise that it contained none of the information he required and only the digital books he vaguely recalled Spock reading him. He regretted having performed such a painful motion for nothing with such vehemence that he threw the tablet down the floor as strong as he could -which wasn't much but the thump was loud enough to wake Jim up with a start. The regret of the movement quickly turned into a regret of losing temper and panicking Jim for no reason at all.

A perturbed Jim jumped from the sofa and wildly looked around to determine the cause of the cracking sound only to discover that it had been Bones who caused the ruckus. The panic dissolved from his features once he detected the electronic remnants scattered over the floor. His posture relaxed and he cracked a tired smile at Leonard who responded with furrowed eyebrows. A quiet Jim was an odd sight after all.

"Sorry" Leonard whispered, his angry face melting into a docile one. He averted his eyes, unsure of what to focus on; the glimmering pieces of the screen on the floor or the purple bags under Jim's eyes. Neither was especially intriguing.

He saw Jim shaking his head fondly when he lifted his eyes, "Don't worry about it, Bones. Good morning." His eyes were soft and understanding. Leonard couldn't help but feel out of place under that gaze.

"Morning" he parroted back. Jim hovered by the couch, unwilling to step forward. His shirt was ruffled and looked worn out, his hair a mess and his shoulders slouched.There was a fakeness to the smile plastered over Jim's face and an awkwardness to their interaction. He hadn't said ten words to him, yet Leonard could tell that he was putting up a front for his sake; Beneath the layers of indulgence and gentleness, there laid a genuine exhaustion.

It wasn't supposed to be weird, he thought to himself and beckoned him near. Jim hesitated. He honest to God hesitated and Leonard huffed out angrily. The crude noise snapped Jim out of whatever silly thoughts he was having and he trotted towards Leonard's bed, head held high but barely.

"How are you feeling?" he asked and instantly Leonard got a sense of Deja vu; he had heard that same sentence so many times before in the last few weeks. He couldn't recall each and every instant but then probably not even someone with a normal head could do that.

"Better" he answered curtly, lost in his own mind and almost missed the disappointed way Jim sighed. Almost. "What?"

"It's going to be that kind of a day, I suppose," Jim remarked at Leonard's confusion, "Single words and short answers... Well, it's better than no answers at all, I guess"

"Right," Leonard replied, his mind and memories on a fast track to recall all it can from their shared experiences, keeping him from fully comprehending Jim's cryptic talks. A wave of nausea hit him hard as a sudden ache bloomed in his head, a pain so intense that he couldn't even determine which part of his brain was trying to kill him this time around. He hunched over, face hidden behind hands and knees bend to his chest. The beginning of ringing in his ears and darkening of his vision overwhelmed his senses, blocking out the outside world and locking him in a personal hell. Heat rushed to his head, and a cold wave of numbness followed right after.

The intensity of feeling like he was being pulled under water, passed away slower than it occurred. The wash of the cold dissipated as hands over his back and around his neck rubbed away the chill. His headache subsided and the dark edges of his vision cleared. His breathing returned to normal. The knuckles he had fisted tightly, relaxed and he opened his cold palms, and then his blurry eyes. He was being engulfed in a tight hug, he realised. A warm breath was exhaled on his shoulder and the friction of the stray strands of hair caused itching on his neck.

"Jim" he called, still dizzy and the captain removed himself from Leonard, his face a proper epitome of agony as his facade of light-heartedness was completely shattered in mere seconds.

"You good?" Jim asked, with concern etched to his facial expression, "You suddenly went rigid and then convulsed"

"It hurt, a bit" Leonard downplayed it because seeing him in pain hurt him, too and he wasn't ready to shoulder more of that kind of pain on top his physical ones, "I am fine, now"

"Good to hear" Jim sighed and pressed his lips to his temple as a gentle kiss while he got his fingers tangled in between Leonard's hair. Leonard tensed momentarily but then the simple touch reminded him of a few days prior when Jim had taken the initiative and kissed him senseless. The moment was a bit of a blur in his mind and he found it difficult to recall all the details despite his returning memories. Had it been a dream? No, it had ignited too much of a need in him to be a mere dream.

"You kissed me before, too" Leonard accused Jim with a fond undertone, "No fair, Jim. I wanted to make it special."

"I didn't think you would remember" Jim blushed a charming colour of pink. He pressed his cheek to Leonard's inhaling deeply and humming happily, "And it was special in a way, wasn't it? As I always imagined it to be. You, Bones, are far too precious for anything less than that. I simply can't stop myself from touching you... Sometimes it's like we wasted a good chunk of our time of friendship tiptoeing around each other simply because we were too afraid of being honest. But we haven't, have we? Otherwise, I doubt I would want your companionship this much. You've supported me all this time like no one else has and when knowing that I haven't and won't lose that gives me strength to carry on. Funny how even when you have a hundred friends, it's that one person in the whole world that can carry your whole weight without a moment's hesitation and trust you enough to carry theirs"

"You are being terribly honest" Leonard chuckled, happy to indulge him with more little touches and traced his fingers over Jim's cheekbone. Then a realisation struck him, "You don't believe I'll remember this either, do you? Sorry to disappoint but I think my recollection of bungled up memories are finally catching up with the day to day events"

"Wait, what?" Jim shook out of his reverie with a high pitched exclamation, he stood up, unbelieving eyes glistening with joy and shock, "For real? Since when?"

"Since last time I woke up, I believe. Spock can attest to that, too."

"He never said anything about it... That-"

"Ruthless hobgoblin?" Leonard provided, being unhelpful but cheery about the whole situation, "Now that I think about it, this isn't the first time you said something similar either, is it? I vaguely remember another confession or something"

"Oh God, that is so embarrassing. I practically poured all my sappy heart out in a stingy hospital room." he replied, suddenly mortified, "This is not how I imagined this to go down!"

"So, you have been imagining this for a while, then?" Leonard laughed despite an ache acting up in his head, "I could imagine this going a lot smoother outside of a hospital, too."

"I really want to trust that there won't be anymore relapses but you've been having a lot of cognitive problems" Jim said after Leonard's laughing subsided and Jim's blush fainted to a dull pink. His hands found Leonard's above the covers and Leonard squeezed them back reassuringly. "It's not just amnesia but also basic stuff, too. You had suffered major head trauma and neurological damage. You had to go through God knows what when in that machine and once you came out and had regained consciousness, there were the other basics to consider; Relearning a lot of essentials like holding a spoon or other things I rather not talk about at all. You kept on remembering random stuff and forgetting about them later on, too. Chapel assured us it would get better but I wasn't sure when or if you would ever be, well... you"

"I was dead, Jim" Leonard spat out, harsher than intended and softened his voice when he saw Jim flinch, "I was disintegrated and then I was brought back which does not sound like a real event to me at all."

"Trust me, it was real. I have been sitting by your side while you recovered from a fatigued state. In the first few days, you were in an induced coma in ICU and we had to take extra precautions to avoid infections. Then, you went to another emergency wing of the hospital and you have only been moved to regular room awhile ago. Before that, only sanitary equipment and personnel were allowed in. If I wanted to visit you, they put me through a ten-minute long sanitization procedure."

"Smart folk. Well, smarter than what I had assumed so far at least." Leonard said. It was his attempt to lighten up their mood that surprisingly worked.

"I really wouldn't say that." Jim smiled as he gave their joined hands a good squeeze, "They were through only when Spock made sure and you know how he gets when it's about his rules and procedures."

"Hey, don't say things that'll make me like that hobgoblin. I still want to retain my sanity"

"So, Bones" Jim started and the air around them thickened once more, "In the hopes of not making an ass of myself furthermore, how much do you really recall?"

 _I remember wanting to kiss you back_ , Leonard thought wistfully,  _silhouettes_ _talking to me, joking with me albeit the blurry sights and the muddled feelings... Our friends crowding my bed and calling out to me to come back..._

_I remember the harsh cold water drowning me and the only light being you, too far away and out of reach to be saved... The sound of the waves hitting a ship as we cut through the open ocean towards a new world and the scent of the books and cigars in a library. The rain as it tore through the sky. The clinging of the whisky filled glasses, the laughter and the lingering taste of the well cooked marine food._

_A strong coffee warming his hands and his tummy early in the morning; A warmer smile accompanying the coffee and thinking that he couldn't dare wish for a better presence than him. Strong stances, heartfelt apologies, a confident and caring crew always guiding me and grounding me._

_A dimly lit conference room with bright-eyed students watching my every move like hawks watching their prey. A scalpel in my hand. A brightly lit room with vast spaces in between biobeds, beeping monitors, brightly smiling colleagues. A regenerator in my hand._

_The silence of a peaceful day. You and me sipping our drinks and gazing at the stars passing us by through a single window separating us from the vast emptiness. The uproar of a troublesome day. You and me running through forests of gold and white, with whipping sounds of spears grazing us by with a single jump between us and the blue sea below us._

_I remember a ship filled with fine people sailing up above the sky. A voyage taken across the stars with hope as our only anchor and a crew as our family. I remember feeling that I belonged and that I was finally at home, millions of light years away from where I was born and yet, I never felt out of place._

Leonard didn't notice he had begun talking before a familiar weight was by crushing him with a hug, sending him falling backwards until his head hit the pillow. Jim nuzzled against his collarbone with most of his torso laying on top of Leonard's and an arm bent on the side to lessen the weight he exerted on him. He had been circled from all directions and there was no room left to move. He didn't mind it all that much until a wrecked sob escaped Jim's otherwise tightly shut mouth and Leonard felt wetness seep into his hospital shirt.

"Jimmy," he mumbled, weak hands seeking purchase on the other man's sleeves but failing to grab a hold of him. The blond head that was in his line of sight shook, messy strands rubbing against his chin. He turned his face towards Jim's hair, inhaling the unique, personal scent and relaxing under the possessive hold "It's alright. Everything's alright, now"

He heard the sharp intake of a breath, felt the trembling body and Jim's tears pooling on his shoulder. "Welcome back, Bones" he let out as a broken whisper, a sob accompanying each syllable.

"Yeah, it's good to be back, Jim" Leonard smiled and kissed the part of the head he could reach. His dearest captain needed a bit more encouragement before he finally pulled away from Leonard. The blue eyes that Leonard enjoyed gazing into were more predominant now that they were covered with the reddened and puffy skin. However, the affection with which he stared at Leonard eased him into smiling with the same intensity of fondness. He lifted a shaky hand which Jim grabbed without delay and guided to his tear-stained face, kissing the inside of his wrist and allowing Leonard to wipe away the remaining tears. There was something intimate about the way he was allowed to see Jim's vulnerable side after he made captain and Leonard's heart swelled with the knowledge that Jim was sharing this side of his willingly once more and not because he had to.

Leonard's fingers caressed Jim's cheek and traced the soft skin before stilling over his lower lip. He enjoyed the warm breath at the tip of his finger as he noticed that the nerve endings in his hands were healed well enough to feel the softness of the air's tender graze. His eyes flickered between Jim's lips and his intense gaze while pulling the hand holding his and the chin above his palm, requesting a simple confirmation of every overwhelming thing they felt for each other.

Without having to exchange words, Jim understood and leaned down until a breadth of hair separated their noses. A final question of certainty laid with the intention behind Jim's hesitation and Leonard was more than happy to answer with a kiss. Teeth clacking and moist lips sliding against each other roughly, it was a more aggressive kiss than he had intended but not one he disliked. Jim slowed them down, tipping Bones' head back and taking control. He left soft touches while massaging Leonard's neck as he parted his lips and sucked in a needy breath. His mouth worked around the smooth skin of Leonard's jaw and kissed it tenderly. He was savouring the moment and Leonard too remembered to enjoy the moment that was sure to have a repeat in the near future.

Jim pulled back after giving a final, playful bite to his chin, his face covered with the redness of the blush this time around and licked his lips much to Leonard's delight, "Hmm" he mused thoughtfully, "I think, I'll miss the beard."

Leonard laughed heartily to that, knowing that there was no way he would grow his beard so unkempt ever again. He nodded with conviction as he replied, "Yes! Yes, you will!"

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *And then, Disco!Bones happened. It may be a part of the TOS-verse but just imagining Karl Urban in that getup is far too amazing to pass up. Funny enough that he has been seen wearing worse stuff.  
> P.S. Honestly, I can finish the fic in the next chapter, but I wanted to spread some love and fluff after all the angst I've written. There was simply too much pain and not enough happiness. So, the story continues...


	29. Chapter 29

Early in the morning after their silent but mutual agreement of starting a relationship of sorts, Leonard felt giddy with joy that he never thought he would feel after his divorce. He knew there were the kinks of their newly blossoming relationship to deal with after what they had gone through in the simulation but he figured that if anyone can muster up the courage to face the scary unknown so to speak, it would Jim Kirk. Leonard kind of found strength in that line of thought as he laid awake and expectant.

Jim entered his room after Scotty had left to grab them both hot, proper cups of coffee to drink from a nearby cafe instead of the atrocious beverage they had the gall to serve in the hospital. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't allow his patients in his condition to drink anything other than water but damn it, he had been cooped up in the same room for far too long with the atrocious meals they insisted he ate day and night.

"Hey, there" Jim greeted and Leonard responded in kind, a smile tugging the corners of his lips. The bed dipped as he found a comfortable spot by Leonard's right side and he was about to continue before the door swooped open to reveal Scotty with two cups. He reentered the room unaware of Jim sitting on the bed. A momentarily panic showed on his face as he looked between them and the cups he was holding.

Jim smiled predatorily, pointing at one of the cups, "How thoughtful of you, Scotty. I was just craving for something like that."

"Ah, it's for..." he began but Leonard shook his head vehemently behind Jim's back.

"Not for Bones, is it? I mean, because it was not healthy enough, while I was in the hospital he never let me have anything I wanted, not even a nice, steaming cup of coffee!"

"'course not, Captain. There you go!" he replied charmingly, ever the reluctant spinner of half-truths. Leonard groaned from where he sat against the board as Jim smelled the rich aroma through the crack of the lid and smirked smugly at Leonard. All Leonard could do was to roll his eyes at him and Scotty.

"Well, I shall leave the two of ye to it, then" Scotty replied to no one in particular before virtually running out of the room.

"I wonder what that was about" Jim murmured innocently, causing Leonard to snort disbelievingly. Jim removed the lid and blew off the excess steam arising from the cup, uncaring that Leonard was watching him like a pissed off hawk. "So, M'Benga and Chapel mentioned that you will be getting on with a slightly heavier routine during your physiotherapy tomorrow. Are you feeling up to it?"

"Well, I don't get much of a choice if my intended physician has decided it to be the right course of action" he said pointedly and Jim had the cheekiness to broaden his smirk. "Unbelievable!"

Jim laughed out before drinking a generous amount of his coffee and exhaling with a contented sigh. As if to challenge Leonard, he left the cup on his bedside table, mere inches from his nose. Leonard, unfazed with the temptation inhaled a deep breath but made no attempts to reach out for it. He rolled his eyes as Jim scooted closer, still smirking. He really needed to do something about that smugness.

"Come'ere" Leonard slurred as he grabbed Jim's shirt and pulled him forwards. The kiss tasted like rich coffee and he moaned appreciatively. A whimper rose from Jim's throat at that sound. Leonard, having won the round, smirked into the kiss in return and licked the remaining taste from Jim's lips, parting them in the process.

"Bones!" Jim breathed out before obliging and meeting Leonard's tongue halfway. The richness of the bitter taste welcomed Leonard once more and he tilted his head ever so slightly to deepen the kiss, reaching the inner warmth of Jim's mouth. Once he felt too light headed to resume, he pulled away after placing a gentle kiss on the swollen lips. "No fair," Jim complained half-heartedly as Leonard ran a bony finger over his parted mouth.

"You stole my coffee. I just reclaimed it back" he countered and Jim's face lit up with expectations he dared not voice.

"Let's continue, then!" he suggested but Leonard felt his strength drain away far too quickly. Instead of voicing this and worrying Jim, he opted to play it up mischievously.

"Nah, I think I've tasted it enough..."

"You seem far too sleepy to have had enough!"

"That may appear so but-" Leonard yawned, cutting short his sentence as the pull of sweet sleep was just around the corner. He rubbed at his eyes, ready to fall into a deep slumber but he halted as he witnessed Jim's hungry, wolfish gaze mellowed down a notch.

"Rest, then" Jim ordered with his captainly voice and Leonard's lips twitched up as he settled into his bed.

"You know, after all the time we spent together. After everything we shared and experienced, I never thought going to sleep with you around would be so hard."

"Why is it so hard?" Jim asked curiously and a little afraid.

"Because I don't want to..." Hearing Jim's laugh was well worth the embarrassment of such a small confession and Leonard felt all the lighter after hearing it.

"Sleep tight, Bones. Once you are up on your feet, we'll be all the better."

"God, I've missed that carefree smile of yours. I hadn't even appreciated its easiness until you were no longer there. It's been far too long." Jim froze at his words, his body going stiff where he sat and face closing off as if Leonard had just admitted to insulting his whole family.

"I know. Me, too" was the monotonous respond. Leonard didn't understand it at first. The sadness that had suddenly taken its place behind Jim's gaze seemed unwarranted. There was no reason to receive such a dishearted reaction. Had he relapsed and lost a few days, again? Had he said something to Jim and forgotten it? A side glance to the chronometer proved his theories wrong, he recalled everything they had shared yesterday until the time he went to sleep and later when he woke up. Leonard frowned.

The sad smile reminded him of another time when he had repeated these words and Leonard suddenly reached an excruciating realisation as he quickly sobered up, acknowledging how painful it must have been for Jim to stand idly by his side, unable to help anyone, unable to hold him and full of doubts. He could not let it stand.

With a push of his limits, Leonard grasped Jim's shoulder, squeezing tightly until Jim turned to face him even with his discouraged gaze. Leonard steeled his mind as he fought his sleep off and wrinkled his brow.

"You are not hearing me, Jim," he started and that got Jim's attention. His ears perked up and he held Leonard's tired but insistent stare. That gave Leonard enough courage and will to continue, "I've been away from you for a year, with a gaping hole in my heart that I didn't understand the reason for and no memory to keep me company in my lonesome nights. I have been taken away from you for a whole year and then some more. Been played like a doll ready to be tossed aside, acting the part of a play I did not know about and being punished for no reason other than being at the wrong place, at the wrong time. When I say I missed you, I mean that I want to punch every goddamn alien in the face with a strength worthy of satisfying the twelve months I suffered and the additional months you suffered because of me. But you know what, we survived. We made it through the pain once more, alone and without the strength, we could have provided for each! We are alive and I remember everything and I missed you, so god damn much, you son of a bitch!" With a rediscovered strength, he pulled at Jim's shoulder and gripped him in the strongest hug Jim had ever received, his biceps being crushed, chest unable to take in a single breath...

"I feared I had lost you again, Bones" he sighed, "The relapses happened so sudden and unexpectantly that it was nearly impossible to see them coming, so when you said... Sorry, I didn't realise it for it really was."

"I get it, in a way. I can't presume to understand all your pain but I know for a fact that you shouldn't fear me losing my memories again. I'm here, Jim"

"As long as we are both alive and well, regardless of such a thing happening to us, we can always create new memories, right?"

"Exactly!" Leonard agreed and then let out a deep sigh. Now that he recalled almost everything, albeit, in a confusing order, they had been through, Leonard knew that the inevitability of a talk loomed on the horizon and it was bound to be an awkward conversation at best. His sleepiness was already gone anyway, "We have a lot to discuss, you and I..."

"Since we are on a roll..." Jim began, sort of exasperated, "Do you want to get on with it, now?"

"When you ask it like that, it sounds so weird" Leonard noted but then their last coherent talk in Jim's great cabin abroad the S.S. Catalonia flashed before his eyes and he nodded dejectedly, "Might as well we sort through this mess now that we can."

"Right," Jim concurred but made no move to start speaking. He found the helm of his sleeve instead and twisted it between his fingers in an attempt to divert his thoughts.

"I.." Leonard started taking it upon himself to begin, but a sudden nervousness hit him and his left hand twitched to touch the ring that he never tended to take off on his little finger. He itched the top of his little finger instead, sorrowing at the absence of his ring. Jim's eyes followed the notion and he grimaced sympathetically.

"Sorry, Bones. There was no way they could rematerialize the ring. It's unfortunately lost forever."

"So, the ring you on in the simulation was a-"

"A replica I had made after... your passing," Jim confessed.

A sadness swept through his heart but Leonard shook his head, clearing his thoughts "Considering that it could have been my life that was lost, I think I shouldn't dwell on it much."

"Hey, it may not be the real deal but we'll get you the replica as soon as we can if you want it?"

"No, Jim. It won't be the same but thanks for offering. I'll just have to get used to it" Jim hummed in thought and slipped his fingers through Leonard's almost as if compensating for his loss.

"Here, I'll lend you my hand to lessen the loss" Jim smirked and Leonard snorted delightfully.

"Smooth sailing there, Captain"

"As always, Bones"

Leonard's smile dimmed yet the silence they dove into was more comfortable than the last one. The hesitation dissipated as Jim's free fingers that had been lingering atop his lap moved over Leonard's thighs and rested on the other side of the bed. Jim scooted closer with the motion, collecting one of his legs on the bed and beneath him while the other one kept dangling off of it. Leonard let his head loll backwards. As he was practically sandwiched between Jim and the headboard, he opted to relax and let his emotions speak up.

"It feels silly now that I think back on it. To resist escaping from certain death..." He began with a soft voice.

"It wasn't silly, Bones" Jim offered, "You were right. I hadn't taken into consideration of the feelings you came to have in the simulation. You had good friends, trustworthy associates and a life you had gotten adjusted to. What you felt was and is still real."

"Thank you for saying that. It means a lot to be accredited" he said before continuing with a new line of thought, "I was ready to leave, you know" That confused Jim for a minute until he explained what he meant, "After our talk in your quarters and I left you standing for a few hours afterwards. Well, I was zapped around the ship to a few places, like the engine room and so until I was stuck atop the crows nest. By then the night had fallen and darkness had covered the whole ocean. The stars were bright and all I could think of was that how much I wanted to return back home... with you. I was ready. Just waiting for you to show up."

"I was searching for you everywhere, Bones, including the engine room" Jim laughed a bit aggrieved, "It seems I was always one step behind you. It's a pity that it had been Scotty who beat me to the punch. Still, I found you at the end, didn't I?"

"That you did and good thing, too. Otherwise, both me and Scotty would be swimming at the bottom of the ocean. It's a scary place I tell you."

"Yeah, agreed" Jim replied and halted for a second before continuing, "So, overall, do you mean that you were glad I opened up to you in the great cabin?"

"Do you even need to ask?" Bones questioned, surprised to hear Jim's doubts over that particular subject, "What I said in your cabin before it all went to hell... I didn't... I was confused and bewildered and lost... I'm sorry for being so harsh to you. I-"

"Bones... Bones you don't need to explain. It's okay." Jim tutted "Really!"

"No, it's not and you know it. Whatever you need to say to me because of my dick move, you should just say it. Don't let it fester in your mind. Just let me hear it. Heaven's know, I deserve it"

"You don't, Bones" Despite his words, Leonard sensed a hesitation which was soon followed by "Alright I'll admit I was disappointed that you were leaving me for good."

"That it?" he asked, not believing it to be the only thing.

"And afraid that you'd chose them over me, us. That you didn't trust me with all your heart and gut feelings. You picked a world and people who were made up instead of your crew, your family. Amnesia or not, I couldn't accept that. It was not fair. I felt cheated and powerless... You were slipping through my fingers and I hadn't the strength to hold you close."

Leonard sucked in a breath at his words, feeling worse than he ever imagined. Seeing his own regrets reflected back on Jim's face was like a slap in the face. He had done more than to upset him and went out of his way to make Jim question himself. "What took you so long to find me..." he whispered pained, although he knew the fault half laid with him.

"I am sorry" Jim apologies, voice drowning in agony.

Leonard considered saying that he was sorry but there was a response better suited for this confession. So he whispered, "Thank you"

"What for?" Jim asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"For coming to take me back home, in spite of everything you felt" was the honest reply, "For not leaving me behind, for not giving up on me. Thank you, for coming for me"

"Always, Bones. Always. I would never leave you behind. Even if it meant I had to spend the rest of my life there, I'd do that gladly so that I can be beside you."

"Jim," Leonard started, unable to find his voice. Jim hushed him, lifting a hand to grasp his arm.

"I don't want to overwhelm you further than I already did but fuck it. I need to say it, now that you are here and I know it as a matter of fact. I love you, Bones" Jim confessed, a heavy weight lifting from his chest, "You don't have to reply back or even say anything. It wouldn't be fair of me to ask that of you right now. I just wanted you... I needed you to know. That's all."

"I- I am..." Leonard stuttered. That was a lot more than what he expected to hear. He didn't recoil at a confession as he had done in the simulation but he didn't instantly reply back either. Overwhelmed was an appropriate word for what he felt.

Jim's determined gaze faltered at his hesitation and Leonard's chest constricted. "When did that happen?" he asked light-heartedly, "Did I skip another memory?"

"I doubt it" Jim said reluctantly in return. Leonard realised that he had no clue on how to respond to that. He knew in his heart the truth and what he needed to say thereof but he still took a minute to try and put every memory in order; his and Jim's alone moments; their conversation on the starry deck; the bickering and the friendship that had become constant to them. He considered the Enterprise and how life on the ship was both lonely and fascinating. Terrifying and exhilarating. The endless darkness that accompanied him everywhere he went, the stars failing to light their way. Unable to escape from the pull of the suffocating universe as well as the bottomless bottle. He wondered briefly, which would have claimed his life if not for the only lifeline he had that could ground him. Keep him focused and alive. Cherish and accompany him on the cold, lonely observation deck with a drink in his hand and a sweet story on his lips.

Who else would be by his side since the day he first put a step in the shuttle. He else would look him in the eye, ignore past the shell of a man he was and see the potential that lay within. Who else would accept the only thing he had left to give, and remind him that he wasn't the only one with blood on his shirt and a new start ahead of him.

Who else but James T. Kirk... It made so much sense yet was able to surprise him at the same time.

After extending a hand in apology and witnessing the relief on Jim's face, he ended his sentence with a simple "Okay." Maybe it wasn't what Jim wanting to hear, maybe he had been expecting a warmer response. But it was all Leonard could offer. It was a good start and maybe in time, it would get the chance to develop into something new and exciting.

"Okay, good" Jim parroted back, chest heaving and nervous hands climbing up Leonard's arms only to stop on his biceps. Leonard was similarly relieved, glad to have Jim back in his relaxed, happy mood. "Today has been a productive day, I daresay"

"I'm inclined to agree" Leonard replied, "Anything else you need to get off of your chest?"

"Nothing for now" Jim shook his head, smirking with his usual cheery self and Leonard felt blessed to witness that unfettered smile expanding on his face, once again.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This setting felt a bit like a repetition of the last chapter but there were a lot of things to discuss and I honestly couldn't find a believable excuse for carrying them into a different setting. It feels so long that they had been interacting in the same room. Then again, it fits in with the narrative in a way.  
> Now, I kind of did so next chapter, we are out of the hospital room, hopefully. And, on to happier thoughts...


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally I had planned this as a three part finale but this whole month has been terrible for me. I lost my nan, my supervisor sent my thesis back and I've been bedridden for the last few days because of illness. It took a lot out of me to get it done.  
> This also was not an easy ending to write but I am happy with it. Looking back, I am glad that I started it and finally I get to finish it. The first part I sort of abandoned and cut off short but the rest is finished as intended. Also, 30 is such a nice number for closure.  
>   
> So, here are 8K+ words in one go. I hope it brings a smile to your face and brightens your day.

Jim cast a glare across the vast space between him and the entrance way where various doctors, Tendalan and Starfleet both, and other nosy personnel stood around, awkwardly pretending not to stare at him and Bones. It had been a week since they started the physiotherapy and they still remained on their trail, refusing to let them have a moment of peace. Sometime along the way, they had gotten used to Spock's pacifistic angry glares and were no longer affected by him, unfortunately. That and through Bones' finely progressing recovery and no longer risking to worsen his condition, have gained them the nerve to act as they please much to his dismay.

He exhaled angrily at their insensitiveness and strode across to close the door of the physiotherapy room in order to keep any and all prying eyes out. The clutter of ceased a great deal after the door slammed close and he was allowed the silence to calm his nerved down.

Bones, on the other hand, looked about ready to bolt at the first sign of distress. He sat anxiously in his wheelchair with his fists were clenched so tight that even from where he was, Jim could see the white of his knuckles. He inwardly cursed at the people who had followed them from Bones' hospital to there for being tactless assholes before making his way over to Bones and laying a comforting hand on the back of his neck.

"Sorry about that. We are alone for now so you can relax until the instructor arrives!"

"I don't need an instructor," Bones objected yet a third time that morning, "I am a God damn doctor, Jim; I know how to do this!" He had already learned the entire warm up sets and the procedures to follow from his instructor during their training. Hence, he had an unreasonable demand to continue on his own. Jim had attended most of his sessions -except one time for the sake of joining a council meeting to stick it to the Admiral Johanson- and picked up bits and pieces of the training regime, too as well as a sense it was too early to decide that themselves. 

"As I am sure you don't, Bones but it's always a good idea to get the opinion from a fresh set of eyes concerning your own condition?" Jim said while touching his lips to his temple as he got down to the same level as Bones. He placed a fleeting kiss on the corner of his mouth and then one on his lips.

"I don't-" Bones begin to interject again but silenced himself in favour of leaning into the kiss and enjoying it eyes closed, "You can't always sway me with random smooches, you know. One day, I might become unaffected by them."

"No, you won't" Jim smirked. In retaliation, Bones grabbed his neck, pulling him in and parting his lips. Jim whined as he balanced himself over the wheelchair with both hands dropping on the side handles. As he broke the kiss and straightened his back, he felt hot and dreamy, "Alright, alright... We'll start with small steps."

Bones smiled with a triumph snort. On the record of every habit he gained from his crewmates it seems _playing dirty_ was what Bones had learned from Jim.

Jim surveyed the room and amongst the various tools and some dumped weights in the corner, he observed a walking path with metal railing on both sides. It wasn't to the standards of Starfleet or Earth hospitals but it was all they had at the moment. So, he decided to wheel him towards the railings in hopes to get Bones some warm up before the next stage. He didn't know much about the procedures, to be honest, but he trusted Bones enough to guide him through the necessary parts.

Once the chair was suited by the wall, Jim rounded the wheelchair and kneeled before Bones, secretly wishing that there was another reason for that particular action. Bones was already attempting to get up but Jim restricted his hasty movements with a hand placed on both his thighs. He was unhappy to realise that even after gaining a few pounds, Bones' legs felt too thin to touch as if a hold too harsh would snap the bones in half. He grasped at the hem of the trousers, other hand hovering over the knee and hesitating.

"I am not some porcelain doll that would shatter at first touch, darlin'" Bones said and Jim's face reddened with embarrassment. He hid his face behind a hand before getting his bearings. Bones in the meantime, dropped a foot on the ground, forcing Jim to pay attention once more. He had already stretched when he got up per the instructions given so he had no reserves to push himself from the get go. Jim, ever the enabler of bad patient behaviour despite his common sense, readily offered his assistance.

"Come on, then, Bones. You have done this all before" Jim encouraged as he watched Bones lower the other leg and then he threw Bones' arms around his shoulder.  

"I know" Bones' eyebrows frowned in concentration, "I think I would recall getting up and moving about with what that immense pain following right after each step."

"It won't hurt that much, not this time around" Jim replied with a lump in his throat. Last time, Bones had had a hard time but hadn't mentioned being in excessive ache, instead, he had got on with the program and followed his instructor's orders fully. Learning that Bones had been hiding his pain from him turned Jim's stomach upside down, both hating and appreciating Bones' reserved thoughts and intentions to shield him from further heartache where it should have been Jim protecting him.

Without warning -or maybe there was some warning Jim had failed to notice during his musings, Bones lifted his body up with all his vigour, unbalancing Jim in the process. They swayed dangerously for a second as Jim's reflexes kicked in and he clinched to Bones who grabbed his biceps with the same ferocity. A hiss left Bones lips and Jim held on tighter. He buried his face in the crook of Bones' neck, simply breathing in and willing his panting to quiet down, his breathing to calm down. Soon, it did and Jim huffed out happily, content on holding onto Bones even if it was no longer necessary. Having found his balance, Bones indulged him and didn't move until his arms began to shake with tiredness.

"Sorry," Jim whispered while guiding Bones to the railings, one step at a time.

"No worries, darlin'" Bones responded and he followed Jim's directions without a complaint. One shaky leg at a time. One shaky breath at a time.

"Here we go, Bones. The first step is always the hardest to take"

"It hurts" Leonard whimpered, he had meant to say that he was fine. Yet, he felt the ache in every bone he could name and his thoughts were too muddled up to stop his thoughts from finding a voice.

A sympathetic look past over Jim's gaze, "I know," he said gently, "I know"

Jim was as gentle as he could have been as he passed Bones' hands over to the railings. He let go once he was certain Bones could hold himself up and backed a foot away, standing just out of reach, gaze focused on his movements and hands at the ready just in case. For Jim, the railings felt like they were a mile long by the time they made halfway through the walking path, Bones surpassing a grunt with each step but resuming his course with determination regardless. He couldn't imagine what it must have felt like for Bones. Yet, he pressed on even as beads of sweat formed on his temple and limbs shook with eagerly exerted energy. His resolve never wavered. If Jim wasn't head over heels for him by then, he would have fallen in love with Bones all over again.

*

Jim handed a water bottle to Leonard before taking his seat on the floor beside him. The training had been tiring and even though Jim didn't feel the burn like Leonard did, he could still sympathise from himself having been dead before. Getting used to being alive again and expected to ran around like nothing happened was not an easy task.

"If you prefer, the Starfleet medical officers will take over your recovery process fully from the Tendalan scientist once they clear you of any remaining side-effects, then we can move back to the Enterprise." He offered. They have been going over the possibilities of piecing everything back together like it was before but there were many details to consider, like the Starfleet command, before they could reach a solution. He had sent his best negotiators to take over his position and discuss Bones' future with the doctor's and alike while he provided emotional and physical support that he needed.

"Will it be okay? For me to resume my duties as a doctor?" Leonard asked him. The question weighed heavily on them both but Jim didn't have a crystal-clear answer. Though anyone who knew he, even my name, guessed that he would end up fighting to get Bones back into his position with everything he got. He planned to do that, too but it hadn't come down to that kind of desperation yet.

"I can answer that for you," Uhura chimed in from the entrance, making him snap his head towards her as she walked in. Sulu came into view right after her. The both of them had the aura of someone pleased and proud of themselves for having achieved an impossible task. Jim thought he saw himself in that pose and commanded Uhura and Sulu for perfecting his bravado act. Like a proud mother, he smirked in their direction, silently asking them to explain further, "We have already contacted the command on that regard, Leonard. It seems they were most displeased with losing one of their best surgeon this side of the galaxy. Without needing to convince them or such, provided that you are fit physically and mentally, they willingly offered to re-educate you back in the academy. That is should you choose to remain."

"We also asked what happens if all went well and you didn't require any education," Sulu took over where Uhura left off, "They would have a team of our people examine you and once that is over, they will test you on medical subjects to make sure your memories are straightened out enough to remain a doctor. Either way, they'll keep an eye on you for a while. Both for educational and health reasons. I guess, they still want to figure out the mystery behind the reanimation device, too but are trying to be covert to not let it be known."

"It still means they are willing to help out. That's great news, on its own right!" Jim rejoiced.

"Are you sure no one objected? That doesn't sound likely" Leonard squinted his eyes at Uhura with doubt and a small smile tugged at her lips.

"There were slight complications. One Admiral Johanson and a few of his students were against the idea we proposed but we _convinced_ them that this was for the best for both the Starfleet and you. Eventually, they compromised but that means they require you to come before the council to give your testimony for procedural reasons."

"Convinced them how?" Leonard asked exasperated, mostly because he had to and Jim smirked.

"That would be telling, doctor" Sulu interjected and shared a knowing look with Uhura. Jim found himself rolling his eyes at them and saw that Leonard had imitated his motions as well. "That being said and out of the way, how are you feeling, doctor?"

"Certainly better now that one of the issues have been resolved, thanks to y'all but I am no less tired than before. So you mentioned a testimony?"

"Oh, I am sure-" Uhura started.

"It's only to shut Johanson up" Sulu interjected her, earning a giggle in return.

"No need to worry, Bones. They took their anger out of me already. By now they are mostly bored and wishing this case closed as soon as possible."

"Before you know it, the Enterprise will be back in the space and ready to rumble." With the ease they spoke of the matter gave something resembling hope to Leonard. He could do nothing but put on a brave face and trust them to be right.

*

The pinkish hue of the dawn rose over the horizon, bringing about the deep silence of the hospital only experienced in the after hours of an eventful night. The scraping sounds of those who were stuck with the night shift dragging their feet, the distant snores coming from a storage closet, a glove hitting the bottom of a bin, a flapping scarf forgotten by the window, and a general lack of yelling as all the patients were finally put to sleep; It was all familiar to Leonard. It took him back to his college years when he was full of hope and the world seemed too big to explore.

Now, he stood by a windowsill overlooking the grand, capital city of Tendala shadowed by a measly rising sun. It was almost too funny, to witness... to be able to watch the sunrise over this silly little planet but he didn't move and he didn't laugh. He dismissed the doctor in his head telling him to resume his bed rest. For the moment he let himself be hollowed out, no responsibilities, no expectations... Just him and the dawn.

The cold of the floor seeped into his naked feet. The chill of the morning stood all the hairs in his arms but he still enjoyed his trivial rebellion for as long as he could. The break of the dawn took its time but it was eventually interrupted by the reflection of a familiar face on the window.

"Christine"

"Hello, Leonard. It is nice to see you up"

"Thank you. I rather agree with that sentiment" he chuckled despite his nurse sending him a knowing glare from his back, "I should return to bed, right?"

"You don't have to" Chapel said to his surprise, "Just, put on a pair of shoes for your sake. It would be troublesome if you got a cold after all that recovery you went through"

"I wanted to... to feel the chill in my bones; to remind me I lived through all that."

"You _survived_ " Chapel emphasised, "Do you sometimes believe you are back in the simulation?"

Unintentionally or not, she was fishing for discrepancies in his mind, a sign to show he was not yet recovered, a reason to delay their departure from Tendala and resume his therapy sessions with the _experts_ of the land. Leonard understood the reason for it but wasn't willing to be happy about it.

"No!" Leonard huffed out, chest heaving. It wasn't the simulation he disliked but people coddling him like he wasn't capable of rational acts or thoughts. After weeks of both mental and physiotherapy, it irked him to receive the same treated as before. "I was having such a nice morning."

"I'm sorry, Leonard" Chapel said, "but it is for your-"

"My own good. I know... but I also know I want to leave this damned place a few light years behind me if you don't mind."

"Very well, Leonard" was the curt reply before Chapel left his side. Along with her, the tenderness of the morning vanished, the dawn breaking fully and the horizon coming out of the shadows.

Leonard dragged his feet back into his room, one sluggish step at a time. His muscles didn't hurt anymore and his body felt full with the weight he had gained. His joints no longer grated when coming in contact with each other but drowsiness followed him for a while after waking up. He was more groggy than hurt. His mind was filled with concerns over his profession instead of his health. His nose had been buried in a book every time he got the chance and he didn't need to spend his whole time on breathing right. More importantly, at times he woke up with strong arms around him and a warm breath on his shoulder. And he remembered who that octopus-like person was; What they had gone through to reach their almost happy ending; how grateful he was for finding each other in time.

A small smile blossomed on his lips as Leonard approached Jim who laid perfectly still on his own bed across from the biobed. A little too still, Leonard noted. Mischievously, he lifted the side of the cover and dabbed his cold fingers down Jim's neck. The hissing and cursing that followed were well worth it.

"Rise and shine, o'captain of mine"

"No" Jim said as he squirmed away from Leonard's hand and burrowed further into the covers until only his glaring eyes left above the sheets.

Perhaps it was time to resort to more drastic methods. Over the covers, he dropped down on the bed, effectively squishing Jim who let out an undignified scream. His screaming and squirming were rendered useless as Leonard threw an arm around and pinned him down.

"Boones!" Jim whined without actually moving around too rashly; Afraid of throwing Leonard down on the cold, hard floor and hurting him. He didn't have to say it explicitly. Leonard already figured it out from his reserved touches and light conversations, never venturing into that one subject.His consolidation was they were getting better. Day by day, his kisses turned from fleeting into possessive. Day by day, Jim's hand on his shoulder or on his neck gained a strength that reassured Leonard that they were healing. Day by day was a slow but certain way of doing just that.

"Up and about, Jimmy. It's going to be a long day!" He ruffled the blond hair sticking out to every direction and earned a contented sigh in return, "Come on, darlin'. I want to leave this place in the dust before the sun sets"

"It's the crack of dawn. Come back in a few hours. And, since when do you get up so joyous in the morning?"

"Only because we are leaving. Honestly speaking I couldn't sleep all night."

"Are you that happy to be back in space?" Jim asked, peeking from beneath the covers once more and it took everything in Leonard not to correct him and reply with, _happy to be back home_.

"More like I can't wait to leave this ghastly circus. If one more of my esteemed colleagues ask to perform tests on me, I am gonna do something to truly get me court-martialed."

"If we hear one more of those stupid proposals, I'll help!" Jim said as Leonard pulled the side of the blanket to reveal most of his smug face.

"Then, the council will forcefully get us retire a tropical planet with a beach house and endless oceans. A neverending holiday..."

"You know, I can see myself chasing the waves and the babes- Ouch- Okay, no babes. One babe. I mean you by that just so that we are clear. We'll get surfboards from somewhere and have a constant supply of neon coloured cocktails with little hats on them. Have you ever tried riding a wave while holding sipping a drink? It sounds like something I should try."

"It's a sure way of drowning I can tell you that much." Leonard laughed at that absurd scene flashing before his eyes.

"But do you really want to retire to a beachside hut? Would you be happy like that?"

"For a total of two days. Then, our retirement is more likely to end abruptly as we'll end up spending our days counting the sand grains and finally die of either heat stroke or boredom."

"Maybe we can just go on a real vacation. I bet the bridge crew would appreciate that the most. They've really earned it"

"I don't know, a permanent vacation also sounds tempting"

"Oh, all ready to retire, then?" This one, although it was hidden as an innocent question it really was not and Leonard recognised the vulnerable tone in which Jim tried to hide it with his bravado.

"Nah, I am not done with the Enterprise. If I leave you all infants alone, you'll die within the month. I already fear what might have become of my poor sickbay."

"That's all?" Jim pried and Leonard cast his eyes upwards, pressing his lips in a contemplative gesture. It was just too difficult to continue acting when a pair of blue puppy eyes were looking at him with full focus.

"I am not done with you either, Jim. So, don't start going after some random _babes_ , darlin'" Leonard snarled as he crawled fully on top Jim making him further squirm unsuccessfully. He left just enough space between their faces to fluster Jim and did nothing to close the distance.

"I wouldn't dare, Bones!" Jim said, finding an opening to sneak his hand from the side of the sheet and grabbing by the neck, catching him by surprise, "You are cold. Why don't you join me under covers and let me warm you up?"

"You are making awfully tempting offers today, Captain. Keep it up and I am bound to take you up on one of them."

"No time like now to start, Bones" He leered, lifting his head to reach up while dragging Leonard down, kissing him senseless and deep. Open hearted and vulnerable. Like having touched an exposed nerve, it made Leonard shudder and his heart seized a little with the vehemency of it all.

The blanket between them kept him from utterly getting lost in the moment. He lifted himself on knees and tore the blanket away from Jim's clutch who reached out for it for a second before his sleepy head caught up and he grabbed Leonard's shirt instead, pulling him down softly. The blanket hit the floor as they melted into each other, fitting together like puzzle pieces. Leonard allowed himself a moment to breathe as he nuzzled Jim's neck. The momentarily break easing the mood into something more serene than heated. Under Jim's touch, it seems his emotions could not make up their mind whether to go haywire madly or calm down entirely. It was as absurd as it was new.

"Tired?" Jim asked as he caressed the small of his back and the side of his neck.

"I don't recall a time when I wasn't" Leonard closed his eyes and angled his body so he wasn't crushing him with his weight. It was a tight fit in the make-shift bed but neither of them complained.

"That's like half of your character traits; grumpy and tired with flares of sarcastic"

"Lies and slander. I am charming"

"When you are drunk, yes" Jim said, earning an eye roll behind closed eyes.

"Says the hyperactive ray of _sunshine_ who broods himself into drunkness. Or was it the other way around?" Leonard retorted while jabbing Jim's side with a blindly aimed finger.

"Shut up, you love it when I make an ass of myself"

"I believe I love you regardless of that" Leonard admitted, unconsciously. The arms tightening around his body and Jim's hitched breath caused a small scale panic in Leonard's stomach. He swallowed harshly, thinking of a reason to undo the words he whispered but the more he thought about it, the less he regretted them; The more they felt right. A bit untimely but not wrong.

"I didn't expect to hear that just yet" Jim confessed in return and kissed the side of his temple, "Glad to hear it though"

"I didn't expect to say it just yet, either" Leonard said, huffing out, "We are making a mess of this"

Jim stilled below him, "We are?"

"Yes, it's this hospital. It's making me sappy. These kind of confessions should be made under stars or during romantic escapades. Not in the damned room I was tube fed by nurses!"

Jim let out a stuttering, relieved laugh, "You are too much of a romantic for me to handle, Bones!"

"I am a proper southern gentleman, you ass. I wanna make it right"

"Then, Bones, you are doing just fine. I wouldn't have you any other way."

Leonard raised himself once more on his elbows, looking Jim dead in the eye and marvelling at the way he was smiling with pure glee, all because of him. Jim in return ran his hand up his sides and then his chest while the other remained on his neck. His fingers intertwined on the back of Leonard's head, pulling him back down.

"Come on, let's get some more sleep. Someone is bound to wake us up soon enough."

"Alright" Leonard said, settling in against the warmth once more and leaving the blanket where it laid. He didn't need it as long as Jim was there.

Old memories pulled him to sleep; The unforgettable sway of the ship as the waves splashed on its side; the thunders crashing and the rain pouring during the storms; the rich tangy smell of coffee by the railing overlooking the bluest of all of the oceans; a song sang like a lullaby, its rhythm made to match clumsy dance steps. A frightening voyage taken for a purpose yet, without a definitive destination. A location reached he never thought to search for in over a year until he met Jim...

Of all the things they had experienced, one silly thing, in particular, bugged Leonard so much that he opened his eyes in confusion, "How come I never heard your real singing before?" 

"Wha-?" Jim responded drowsily, "Dunno. Didn't had the occasion?"

"Bullshit. You get drunk often enough and sing sounding like a cat screeching. On the ship, that was something else."

"Everyone's got to have an ace up their sleeve," Jim said turning slightly towards him, "How else could I woo a grumpy southern gentleman?"

"I was not wooed..."

"Nah, you were swept off your feet"

"One-time thing, won't happen again!"

"How about a short poem? That should be enough to entice your romantic heart. Here it goes," Jim began and cleared his throat as Leonard smiled cheekily beside him, "Your skin like dawn, mine like musk. One paints the beginning of a certain end. The other, the end of a sure beginning."

"Not bad but you should stick to singing, darling. It suits you better"

"That wounds me, Bones" Following their sniggerings, a comfortable silence settled in. It lasted long enough for Jim to doze off until Leonard's deep sigh rouse him, "Something on your mind?"

"Yeah, I was reminded of Ron for a second there."

"How so?"

"Ron was a romantic at heart, besides his obsessions with murders and mysteries, he also loved writing poems. Some of them even got published and he was very proud of them, too." Leonard began with a voice suggestion he too was proud of them, "He used to read me his lesser known poems, too, you know. The short ones that were both terrible and delightful and verily kept out of everyone else's earshot, expect for mine. He called them his little-deformed jewels because of how corny or how inappropriate they were. There were no in betweens for him. It either fitted in with the society so much so that they hailed him a great poet or his writings were never meant to see the surface, they were that improper. And I got to hear them all. A privilege, not even his wife had shared. That's why to hear that he was a simple simulation was difficult for me. His poems were real. He was real. How else would I..."

"Would you like to visit him?"

"What?"

"I don't mean an actual visit but where he is buried, in England" Jim said cautiously and Leonard could only raise an eyebrow in confusion, "While you were comatose, I had time to dwell on many things and Ron was one of them. Tendalan had taken his persona right out of our history databanks so I knew he was real. So, I did some digging in case you wanted to know more. Everything is saved in my personal tablet and well, I was going to give it to you before but I never found the right moment."

"Jim..."

"This is going to ruin the mood but I can tell you that he is buried in Putney Vale Cemetery. There is a memorial wall and all that. It apparently survived three world wars and is still standing in the heart of London."

"Not the ideal vacation spot"

"No, but if it helps put your mind at ease, then why not?" It was at times like these that Leonard was reminded of how selfless Jim could be, making promises regardless of what might be required of him and planning a trip only to please someone else. He was selfless because Leonard knew that Jim would move heaven and earth to keep his promises. Remembering all his juvenile behaviour since they met, at times Leonard forgot that Jim had grown in the span of a few short years mostly inflicted upon by the harsh turn of events. Perhaps his friends and crew had helped him on his path to becoming a sensible adult above all else or maybe being thoughtful and kind was always in his blood. Leonard didn't have enough knowledge of his past to determine this but he could never deny that in the short time he had known Jim, he had matured more than anyone else. That thought alone was both true and ridiculous in equal measure.

A snort escaped Leonard's mouth turning into a profound laugh making the bed creak and shake which must have surprised Jim as he narrowed his eyes at him and parted his lips in confusion.

"It will help me a great deal, Jim" he answered once his laugh subsided.

"In our next visit to Earth, let's do that, then" Jim said though his brows were still frowning.

"Aye aye, Captain"

*

McCoy and Jim were sleeping tangled up on the small bed when Scotty entered the hospital room to escort the good doctor to the conference room. They seemed safe and secure in their little bubble so much that it broke Scotty's heart a little to interlude and bring them back into the cold harsh world.

There must have been an easy way of doing this. There was an option of putting on an alarm on his tablet and let it ring until they woke up or call a nurse to rouse them, disturb their seldom found peace. Maybe he could wait until woke up on their own and greeted him, wouldn't that be ideal... Alas, things that could not be delayed further; they had a council to meet, a ship to prepare for flight and lots of work to do. At the end, he awkwardly stood around and coughed lightly hoping to wake them up without it being more well, awkward.

The captain cracked open an eye first and spotted Scotty by the door. He motioned him to come closer as he shook McCoy out of his reverie who grunted unhappily in response. They slowly gathered their bearing as Scotty handed over his tablet to Jim.

"Sorry to bother ye both but it's almost time for the council to meet"

"Oh, shit! We are late" Jim said turning the tablet in his hands and shaking McCoy harder by the shoulder.

"Right, stop it, you infant. I'll get there in time"

"Ye got about twenty minutes to do so"

"Damn it!" It was McCoy's turn to curse as he leapt from the bed, "I told you we should have gotten up earlier. Where is my uniform?"

"In the second cupboard on the left" Jim supplied, "You were sleeping right next to me, Bones. Hmm, this reminds me of our academy days. You were always late to some place and blamed me for it, too!"

"Get dressed instead of talking, Jim!" Leonard said from under a half put on a shirt, "Also, you were always the one crashing in my room with a bottle of whisky."

"I don't recall forcing you to drink it all, Bones"

"My mama didn't raise me to waste fine drinks"

"If it's any consolation, Mr Spock blames ye both" Scotty interjected their bickering, "Apparently, ye dismissed him an hour ago with the promise of getting ready in time"

"That _wasn't_ a dream? Oops..."

"We'll make it up to him later."

They got dressed in silence after that which Scotty was grateful for. McCoy seemed unbothered by the upcoming meeting but his stomach surged at the prospect of it. The council had always been judgemental of him, disrupting his experiments, sending him off to forgotten ice-lands and getting between him and his food. In his eyes, they weren't the most subtle or even considerate lot.

Despite his distrust in them, he believed in Uhura and Sulu and trusted them to be right. Hopefully, McCoy would be cleared as they had foreseen it and the whole thing would blow over with no further issues what-so-ever.

"Scotty! You hear me?"

"Wha- Captain?"

"Yes, we are ready. Now, I'll lead the way for Bones to the conference room. You go find Spock and help him out with the ship requirements for departure, alright?"

"Aye, Captain. Is there anything else either of ye needs?"

"We are good, Mr Scott. Thank you"

"Then, good luck, doctor. Ye'r gonna need it"

*

Standing before the council, Leonard felt sweat beads form on his forehead. His knees trembled ever so slightly, and even his vision blurred at times from trying to stare too hard and focused at the councilman who was speaking feverishly without taking a break. He deeply regretted his earlier enthusiasm to be awake. Of the many thoughts that threatened break his concentration, the contradictions within his own mind were the strongest candidate to actually do just that. On one side, he wanted the man to shut up to save his bleeding ears but on the other hand, silence meant a step away from the verdict and he found himself wishing a timely teleportation out of there...

Oh, hang on! No teleportation, nope! Nothing resembling that at all was welcomed. His heart wouldn't take that just yet... So, a speeding shuttle crashing on their head would have to do. If only he were that lucky.

Eventually, Johanson or what's his name- brought the rest of speech to an end, the meeting was adjourned and Leonard was sent outside to wait for their final response. It was ridiculous honestly. To think the victim of the situation to be put under scrutiny and has to go through a hearing. He hoped Uhura was right about the purpose of this meeting and that it was all bureaucratic bullshit he needn't have to fret over.

Seeing Jim outside the swooshing doors, made his heart feel a little lighter and his shoulders a little less tense. He yearned for a proper welcoming with strong arms and warm hugs but all he received was a small, tense nod and pursed lips. His tension must have seeped out before he left the man because Jim didn't look any better than what he felt. For a change, it was up to him to lighten up the mood so he did just that. "So, this is what it feels like to be you; a daredevil cheating death and certain death, waking up in agonising pain under the scrutiny of the whole Command and frowns off your crews. I must admit I have not grown overly fond of it." It felt good to openly joke about the subject without Jim retreating into his dark thoughts. A smile instead of a brooding frown was always a sight for the sore eyes, after all.

"Then, you better leave being the daredevil to me and keep your ass safe, hm?"

"Oh, no mister. After this, I am never even going to bother taking a breath in between my grumblings to keep _you_ aboard the ship."

"I second that opinion, doctor" raised a voice behind him and Leonard greeted the stoic face of Spock with a scorn.

"Give me a heart attack why dontcha, you green goblin?"

"My apologies, doctor" Spock said in his usual serious demeanour but Bones could see the small twitch of his lips.

"What did they say, Bones?"

"You know, the usual. For the first half; Well to paraphrase, that this was an unfortunate event and they should be the bigger people as Starfleet and forgive their mistakes -for an adequate price I'm guessing-, that I was lucky to be alive and shouldn't hold grudges against them, show them the brighter side of humanity etc..."

"Oh, that hadn't occurred to me" Jim said slowly, laying a comforting hand on his back, "Do you still hold grudges against them?"

As gentle as it sounded, Leonard noticed the heavy undertones laced with that simple questions; the indication that Jim would burn them all to the ground if Leonard wished so. It was awfully romantic and somewhat gratifying. Terrifying too in a way; Starfleet's golden boy suggesting aggression while they preached peace and forgiveness but knowing that Jim would get away with it anyway.

"No, I don't! Leave them be, Jim. Starfleet's gonna sort them out anyway" he warned with a scold.

"Alright, whatever you say" was his _humble_ reply, "What of the second part of the lecture?"

Leonard let out a deep breath. That was right before Johanson had taken ahold of the stand, "Basically, they quizzed me on medicine. They actually had the gall to question my integrity and capabilities, as if any of them understood any of the medical work we do. Damned command line... No offence"

"None taken, Bones. You passed, I reckon"

"I did of course. Not that they understood it accurately but they said they had to play it by the book."

"They indeed have to, doctor. These are unusual times and they made due with what they could" Spock said, "The best of our available doctors already approved of your recovery and you continuing of your duty as a Starfleet officer. This is merely another tick in the progression book."

"Their question was  about common cold!"

"Oh, the horror!"

"Anyone could have answered that! What's wrong with them? Acting like I am fresh out of the med school..." Leonard complained, "I'm a doctor and not a damned rookie"

"One of the best on this side of the galaxy, Bones"

"I concur with that sentiment, doctor. We are lucky to have you back"

"You keep saying that, Spock. I wonder how long it's going to take to change your mind?" Leonard said playfully, "So what news are on your front?"

"We have set up a temporary teleportation apparatus and our crew have begun returning to the ship. Most of them would have gotten the Enterprise ready for departure once you are finished, doctor"

"Good to know that there won't be any further delays"

They passed the time discussing the improving status of the crew and the Enterprise. It helped Leonard focus and keep his self in check for a time. By fifteen minutes, though, all bets were off. Leonard ran a hand over his sweaty brows, he was giving himself a headache worrying about a thing where clearly it need not. The uniform felt suffocating as his temperature rose at the sight of an official beckoning him to reenter the conference room. The only rational thought left in his mind was supplied by the solid presences of Jim and Spock who remained composed and repeated the much-required encouragements he needed to hear.

"Hey, Bones. Relax. It's going to be alright" Jim said while straightening out the collar of his uniform. His heart calmed down with the small gesture and he nodded, feeling the soft touches of Jim's fingertips by his neck. He smiled in return, leaning in to steal a kiss for luck. They got this. They were fine and safe and out of trouble. Now all he had to do was to hear the council say it.

*

Upon emerging out, Leonard found Jim exactly where he left him but this time he was busy with going over engineering issues with Scotty. The both of them lifted their heads up once they heard him approaching and Leonard nodded positively. He was officially and indefinitely off the hook.

He walked over to them with head held high, despite the uncomfortable stretch in his stomach, the remnants of his injuries lingered but the weight on his shoulders was lifted. All that remained was to keep his act up until he felt wholly like his old self again, if not a better version of that person. It would take time he realized - he was a doctor, after all, but once he was back home and back in the heart of the matters, after familiarizing himself with his sickbay and eventually with leaving this unholy planet in the dust, so to speak, he would have the time and the help to get healed fully. Seeing Jim's knowing grin and Scotty's hopeful smile was a proof of that if nothing else.

"How did it go?" Scotty asked, out of politeness Leonard assumed.

"Johanson was surprisingly missing from the room during the verdict declaration and I believe I saw some of the admirals smirk looking at his seat. The others didn't even seem to care about that, much at all. I guess he really was a stick in the mud and got pulled out for our sakes. I'll have to remember to send darlin' Uhura a fruit basket as thanks."

"Oh sure, send her all of the gifts. Not like no one else did anything." Jim said, crossing his arms and Leonard felt a petty satisfaction out of that response.

"Of course, my bad" Leonard admitted, "I'll get Sulu a pretty plant and Scotty, here a fine Scotch to crack open once I am cleared to have alcohol. What do you say, man?"

"When ye're ready, I'll get the Scotch, doctor. Ye just let me know!"

"You two are oozing with _charm_ today" Jim's complaint was cut short with their easy laughter and soon he joined in, too. His hands itched to grab Leonard, just like his own, but with the hallway getting crowded by the second, mostly with scientists aiming to get a final look at Leonard's miraculous recovery, they steadied their urges. There would be time for more proper celebrations later.

"So, where's the hobgoblin?" he asked, walking away from the conference room and dragging his friends along with him.

"He is being the responsible acting captain in my stead and looking over the remaining concerns with the Tendalan diplomats."

"Someone's got to be" Leonard teased before sobering up, "So, joking aside... They got assurance from both sides that I am fit to resume my duties... which includes they want me to be as I was but... that just occurs to me that I'll have to use teleportation to get back onto the ship. Because that Johanson will be watching and waiting to prove us wrong."

"Oh" Jim responded, pinpointing the problem with lightning speed, "We'll figure out a way around it"

Scotty was quicker with a suggestion, "Doctor, would ye have me ready a shuttle for going back to the Enterprise?" McCoy hesitated with making a face in utmost terror. Scotty immediately lamented over uttering a single word about the subject.

"That might give off wrong signals to the council, Scotty" Jim interjected, grabbing and squeezing the doctor's hand as they entered a remotely empty corridor, "But prepare a cargo shuttle for two pilots and ah... some delicate cargo that can't be teleported, just in case."

Scotty caught up with his captain's double meaning quickly and nodded. Through his tablet, he requested a shuttle accordingly while trying desperately to avoid the deep kiss McCoy had stopped to plant on his eager lips. Thankful or not, the whole scene was too obscene for him.

"Ahem," Scotty cleared his throat and passed his tablet back to Jim who had his hair ruffled a bit too roughly but seemed way too smug with it, "The shuttle's arranged by Chekov. He says it can leave any time given but we've got to reach shuttle bay C without being detected."

"Which is where exactly?"

"A bit outside the hospital, it's close to the teleportation room we set up. The place's used for emergencies mostly. Oh, and they filled the shuttle with some medical supplies so that's yer cover."

"Okay, but more importantly, how are we gonna pull this off without being seen?" Leonard asked from behind, peeking at the screen.

"Here's the plan; I am piloting with Bones and the make-shift cargo. I'll drop them off and return the shuttle here and get teleported back to the ship. We'll say Bones got teleported earlier to avoid a commotion with the intrusive Tendalan scientists. I'll send someone to take care of our clothes and stuff after I got onto the ship. The whole plan is a bit complicated but I can't run away from the council's inquiring eye. I, at the very least, have to be seen in the teleportation room."

"The crew's already being called back to the ship. The teleportation room will be buzzing with folk soon" Scotty supplied and frowned making a face between distressed and confused.

"Better hurry, then"

They quickened their steps as Scotty directed them towards the lower corridors of the building, "So, the road going to the shuttle bay is down this way"

Leonard nodded, but he wasn't convinced. The shuttle wasn't any safer than the other device. They were both death traps in their own right. Considering every detail of the plan, he also didn't like the idea of overworking Jim. It was his fear to face, not Jim's to suffer through, too. They couldn't assist him in ignore it either. He would have to face it some day. Might as well make it _today_.

"Hey, Jim. Let's use teleportation" Leonard put on a brave face suggesting that but, boy he wasn't feeling it.

Jim did a double take to make sure he heard him right, "You sure, Bones? Scotty arranged the shuttle discreetly. It'll be fine to take it instead."

"Aye, doctor. Ye don't have to push yerself."

"I actually do. I can't outrun this and what better time than now to prove those assholes that I am fine and dandy. I have overcome it when I first arrived at Starfleet. I'll bear it and do it, again. And, I'm only going to complain about it as per usual."

"So the whole time, then" Scotty and Jim said in unison. Leonard raised a bemused eyebrow at them and crossed his arms.

"Sorry, doctor" Scotty sniggered and steered them towards the teleportation room, "Chekov is overseeing the teleportation stats. We'll get ye both home safely. I promise"

"I'll trust you, Scotty" Leonard said with confidence.

"Always, doctor"

The road to the room passed in silence mostly. It took a bit out of Leonard to keep up with them while they descended further down the hospital. He found the strength to carry on each time Jim noticed him falling behind and ushered him forward, with either a simple push from behind or a single word of encouragement.

They passed through the underground passage with ease and Leonard saw the actual size of the hospital, much bigger and sophisticated than he had imagined it to be. No wonder it had its own shuttle bay and operators. While they walked in a corridor covered with windows on each side, the clear sky was seen clearly. There were no storms outside and that alone made it a bit better for Leonard. The chatter of the people around him who were walking towards the same direction also helped ease his mind.

The commotion increased, the closer they got to the room which turned out to be a large hangar with connections emerging from the walls to the teleportation platform with large cables and other mechanical parts Leonard could not identify. Scotty had been right and the place was crawling with regulation reds, blues and golds. The sea of people parted at the sight of their captain, some giving of salutes, most greeting them more casually. The chatter grew again as they made their way to the controls and joined in with the bridge crew.

The clicking of the feet climbing up the steps to the teleportation device ceased for a few seconds as Scotty took over Chekov. The young man beamed at their timely arrival, bringing a smile to Leonard's face as well. Facing their people and proving them all was well. Showing the world that they still had one more fight in him... This was the right decision after all.

The teleportation resumed and one by one, the crew of Enterprise returned to their ship. After the majority of the people were gone, Chapel approached him and whispered encouraging words to him before leaving the hospital alongside other science officers. Then, Sulu and Chekov smiled at him kindly as they passed him by and took their places, returning before the rest of the alpha bridge crew. These were all tiny, insignificant touches and gestures but they confirmed their compassion for him. And they all readied him for the journey ahead.

"I'm proud of you, Bones" Jim said as he put an arm around his shoulders and leaned in, "This right here, taking this step forward may look like the easiest thing in the world to most people but I know how difficult it is for you; How much courage it must take to even suggest going through this whole ordeal." 

"Thanks, Jim. It helps that you all are here"

Another ten minutes and the last of the groups left and the room was finally cleared of all crew members except for the remaining bridge crew. Uhura gave him a hug and Spock nodded awkwardly as they climbed the stairs to the platform. Scotty waved at them, urging them to join the two on the platform.

Jim turned to Leonard with a small, shy smile, "Shall we go, together?"

"I am not ready but I doubt I'll ever be... So, let's go!" Leonard said, waiting for Jim to lead the way. His legs shook a little and his feet froze by the edge of the platform. Jim, on the other hand, had already climbed up the steps and took his place on the designated pod.  Uhura and Spock took their positions, too, leaving the pod left of Jim vacant for Leonard's sake. He smiled coyly at them, thankful for their patience with him.

"All ready to energise, Captain" Scotty said from behind him and Jim made a comment of agreement before extending a hand from where he stood, in all his charm, radiating an aura of trust and reliability.

 "Come on, Bones. One last step" With that final push, Leonard cleared the last of his insecurities from his head. Their hands found each other in no time, fingers intertwining without a second thought. He didn't know who had leaned close first but the feeling of relief was imminent the moment he felt Jim's warmth beneath his palm and his breath on his cheek. The way his chest swelled with love and pride both was an acclamation of his trust in him no matter the danger; No matter which situation they might end up finding themselves in next.

"And then it'll be like it used to be?"

"No, this time it'll be better. We'll make it better"

"Good. Together, we'll do just that" Leonard replied with a certainty that brought a smile to Jim's face. No more hesitation. No more fear. Leonard shook off the remnants of the nightmare and took a chance, allowing Jim to pull him up halfway and then, climbing the rest of the steps leading to the teleporter that would bring them home, back to the Enterprise.

Fate had not been kind to him over the years between then and now, except for a few things that made him into the person he was. After all that he lost, he was given a chance at a new beginning out there, in the space, in that spaceship he got to call home with the people he loved like family. He was ready to return to them with his real self and continue on where they had left off. The universe was still too big and his steps were too small but he had gained the courage to explore it as long as he was with his family and he was full of hope once more.

 

_Fin_

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * The short poem Jim recites is Passing Time by Maya Angelou 
> 
> What better way to wrap this up with ending it the way it began along with a flourish of something anew; an ending but one not necessarily saddening. On a more serious note, I had really needed to write a happy ending and not just read about one. Feeling that satisfactory glee of reaching a resolution that took a long time in making... I wish all ending rose such positive emotions in us but we'll take what we can get.  
>   
> Thank you for reading and all the comments you left. It helped me reach to the very end. And thank you all for sticking with me and helping me through it all.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own neither these characters nor the Enterprise
> 
> Come and visit my new tumblr at thesilverconstellation.tumblr.com


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